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Young Writers Society



Life is a Cardboard Box:A Short Story of Thoughts and Dreams

by POTAFan1973


The girl sat in front of the computer while looking out the nearby window wishing she was like the people she saw outside. She looked the same as everyone else did. She acted like everyone else did. Yet there was something so different about her. She lived for the day. Daydreaming of great things. A successful career, many awards for her great writings, and a lover that accepted her for who she was. She loved odd and unusual things. Lived a normal but unusual life. While other kids got their joys from listening to the latest teen singer, this girl got her joys from listening to singers from long ago. People found her odd because of this. Along with many other things. Including her strong love of the things that people can only find in Sci-Fi movies.

For years she tried to make herself one of them. For years she hated herself for being different. Even today she hates herself for being different. She hates herself for coloring outside the lines. She wasn’t always like this. At age three its hard to determine if a kid’s going to be an outsider but by age five it slowly becomes noticeable. She knows this because this is how she was. Even in kindergarten she stood out. As she grew she became more and more weird. Today she looks very much like John Lennon in a way. Sounds like a man and in the cyber world she can be easily mistaken for a man. She doesn’t mind this. But in a way she does because most places she puts female instead of male.

At age thirteen she faced another road block. Coming to terms with her sexuality. While other teenage girls found Zac Efron hot, she preferred stars that were much older than her. Female stars. First she labeled herself bisexual because she was very much insecure and angry with herself for this thing. Her parents would accept her no matter what gender she found attractive. Still she found herself hard to live with. Her image on life grew darker. She felt alone. She battled depression and still does to some extent. She is an oddball. A pimple on the face of society is how she views herself.

She looks at the words in front of her. Still ashamed with herself. Why couldn’t she be normal? She asks herself. She may never know. Some days she wants to be normal, other days she is proud of her uniqueness. Proud to be different. The feeling of being proud quickly leaves her body like a cold.

She sighs and begins to type the final words of her short story. These words mean so much to her even if they are only in font 12. She laughs a sad, lonely laugh. Like the sense of being proud, her laugh quickly passes through her system. She wishes she could put this laugh in a jar to save for lonely days. Laughs come to the girl so rarely. And when they do they sound so dry and like paper.

Her story comes to a close. She smiles at her paragraphs and types the five words that appear in her title. Life is a cardboard box.

Thank you for your time


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Sun Apr 05, 2009 7:23 am
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



Welcome to non-fiction. This is where real stories are told. They are real stories, because they involve people or persons which are real, and accurately cover actual events.

Immediately, we run into a problem, because you don't actually tell us anything about what you are writing about. If you are writing about your history, then write your history. Include people, events, and experiences which are relevant to you.

The moment you go from describing yourself to describing a "girl" then you are stepping from non-fiction to fiction. The jump is an artistic one, since by keeping the girl anonymous, you allow the person to think that the girl can be any girl.

It's the difference between writing reality and writing events based on reality.

Something else you should ask yourself is how your story is different from other stories out there, why would someone else want to read this?

I think you should shelve this. At age 13, you're still in the process of growing up. The time to write about growing up is when you finish growing up. If you turn eighteen and you still think it is worth writing about, then try it then.




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Sun Apr 05, 2009 4:44 am
Saphirra wrote a review...



The girl sat in front of the computer while looking out the nearby window wishing she was like the people she saw outside.

If i were you I would add a comma between window and wishing. It flows better.

She loved odd and unusual things. Lived a normal but unusual life.

Change this to: She loved odd things, and she lived an unusual life.
Or something like that. Odd and unusual are redundant, and normal and unusual are antonyms, so it doesn't make that much sense. Also, the second sentence was a fragment.

While other kids got their joys from listening to the latest teen singer, this girl got her joys from listening to singers from long ago

first of all, you switch from third to second person in this sentence. The way its phrased is awkward as well. Try; while most kids listened to the latest music, the girl loved old singers.
Speaking of which, if i were you, i would give the girl a name. it makes her more real to the readers, and probably more real to you as well.

Basically, your other problems are the same. You switch tenses from past to present, and point of views from third to second. Other then that, I like your story. Its interesting to me, and i think its cool! feel free to read and review my stories, shattered mirrors and hidden evil :D




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Sun Apr 05, 2009 3:29 am
POTAFan1973 says...



Hey thanks for the review. I'll have to remember that part about using 'issue' instead of 'thing'. I overuse 'thing' in my writing.

Also thank you for pointing out the part about 'Whether it was male or female', made me realize how odd and pointless the line is for the piece of writing. Your review pointed a lot of things that I do a lot in my writings. Thank you.

I think with the 'Sci-Fi' part I was trying too hard to let my story flow. Length is also something I worry about. When should I get the climax? Am I padding my work? You know questions like that. You don't have to answer those questions.

Sorry for my endless nervous rambling. Thanks for the review. :)




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Sun Apr 05, 2009 3:17 am
pla303 wrote a review...



Hiya! I really like this piece, it's nice and circular and brings you back to the beginning. I like your short syntax, but sometimes this makes you grammatically incorrect.

For example:

People found her odd because of this. Along with many other things. Including her strong love of the things that people can only find in Sci-Fi movies.

Should be:
People found her odd because of this, along with many other things, including her strong love of the things that people can only find in Sci-Fi movies.

I also think the second part of the sentence could be less awkward if it were something like: "Including her fascination with things that only exist in science fiction."


At age thirteen, she faced another road block: coming to terms with her sexuality.


Female stars. First she labeled herself bisexual because she was very much insecure and angry with herself for this thing. Her parents would accept her no matter what gender she found attractive. Whether it was male, or female.


Firstly, You almost never want to use "thing". Use "issue" or something like that. Secondly, "whether it was male or female" is a bit superfluous. You could probably leave it off.


Otherwise, it's great. keep writing!





Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
— Christopher Darlington Morley