Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
PROLOGUE
Darkness, it was the last thing I saw as my suits' oxygen ran low as I simply floated away from the remains on my ship, hopefully the rest of my team made it to the escape pods. I can see the remains of my ship, some parts on fire, some not, but despite the fact I see the fiery metal that I've spent years of my life working for, the same ship I was trained to control.
I feel a sense of dread and calmness, despite the fact I'm about to die in space, I feel the pressure of my helmet's glass against the pressure of space. But I feel calm, years I've spent working in space, makes sense I would die in the void of stars and planets, but I feel dread because…could I have predicted or stopped or even helped more to my ship, not the people who have lost their lives? Could I have done something different?
But that doesn't matter now, does it? I'm gonna die soon anyway.
The pressure of space is too much to bear, but even then, the shattering of your helmet rings in your ears as you feel an absence of breath, then darkness.
TO BE CONTINUED.
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139,411 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Hey, here for a quick stop on this Happy Review Month. Welcome to YWS! I hope if you come back this encourages you to keep writing and enjoying your time here.
A couple of things here, mostly grammatically. The apostrophe on "suits" should be between the T and S. You need to replace the last xomma with a period, other wise it becomes a comma splice/run‐on sentence. Lastly, you use the phrase "as I" and "as my" in one sentence. It's good to keep variety in your sentence to help with flow and thythm, and avoid repetition.
I would cut the "some not" since its implied that some parts are burning therefore some parts arent burning. This also isnt technically a sentence. "Despite the fact I see the fiery metal"...what? We need a resolution to that in the sentence.
You juat said you feel calmness the sentence before, so this feels repetitive.
There were more comma splices and a good grammar run on this is needed, but let's talk about the story itself.
I would emphasize that you are in space not the sea, a little earlier. You use the terms float and ship which can be used in space and sea, but honestly my mind went to the ocean first because of the fire since space doesn't have oxygen.
You also switch tenses between past and present. It would be good to pick one and stick with it. You also switch between first person to then a directive "you" at the end. I would delete that and replace with I.
I hope this helps!
~Messy
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the mutated S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Captain Irene Shield is floating throughout space after a mishap. For the most part, she’s calm about dying, but still, dread nags her in the back of her skull, screaming panic into her ears.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think you could describe more of space if you wanted to, but this is a prologue, so I understand if you would want to keep this short.
Chocolate Bar - I like how the captain, Irene Shield, seems to accept the fact that she’s dying but also feels bad for the rest of her team in the ship. She clearly cares about them and wonders if she could have done something more for them. I like that “darkness” is the first word in the prologue, because it shows that darkness was all that she had ever seen in her time in space and it’ll be the very last thing that she’ll ever see.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely prologue for an intriguing science fiction story! If you ever plan on uploading more on this story, I’ll be sure to read the next chapters and comment my thoughts! I’ve enjoyed this and…
I wish you an awesome day/night! ^v^
Really gripping prologue. It hooks you instantly! I enjoyed reading it, even though it was short. It leaves a lot of questions in your mind, compelling you to read further. I'm not sure if I have something to add, it's a great piece.
Really gripping prologue. It hooks you instantly! I enjoyed reading it, even though it was short. It leaves a lot of questions in your mind, compelling you to read further. I also really liked the creativity, and how you punctuate the vastness of space. How death can be scary, but also peaceful.
The fact that the main character thinks about his/her crew also tells us that he/she is probably a kind person, one to put others' needs before their own, which already sets up a strong character.
Love it!