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6000 Feet Until Deplanement

by PKMichelle


This is a project I have to do for school. I have to "craft a scene". I was just hoping I could get some sort of feedback before I turn it in because I've never done something like this before.

(The stage is riddled with unidentifiable debris, with two men crouched over by it with injuries.)

FELIX (frantically): Oliver! Oliver! Wake up, man? Are you okay?

OLIVER (in a voice weak and quivering from pain): What has happened?

FELIX: She went down. You ran her into the dirt. What were you thinking? I mean, you could’ve killed us both. (with growing anger) You almost did wipe yourself off the census. Look at you now.

OLIVER: I have no idea what you speak of.

FELIX (now with contempt): Look around us, you fool.

(The light goes down on the two men and comes up on an anonymous person sitting in the back-center of the stage. This is the narrator, who speaks only to provide the approximate time.)

NARRATOR (in a rough, gentle voice): Three hours earlier.

(The men move downstage where there are two chairs facing toward the audience, mimicking the cockpit of a small, private airplane.)

(The two men stand near the chairs having conversation when a third party enters.)

OLIVER: It’s a beautiful day to take it to the sky.

FELIX: It sure is. Few clouds, no storms. It’s truly a gift. We can only hope the birds will stay out of the way.

ELEANOR (enthusiastically): Good morning, gentleman! I hear you’re taking the Model A to the sky. It’s a stunning aircraft, if I do say so myself, so I figured I’d bring you a hot cup of Joe to keep you both alert up there. You don’t want anything going wrong 6,000 feet off the ground.

(She hands the men the cups and begins to recede into the background.)

FELIX: Thank you, Eleanor. I don’t drink coffee, but your thoughtfulness is always appreciated.

ELEANOR: Anytime! Bye now, boys.

FELIX and OLIVER (in unison): Goodbye.

NARRATOR (echoingly): Present time.

(The stage is changed back to the debris ridden arrangement with the men in pain.)

FELIX (loud and scornfully): What were you thinking? Just falling asleep at the wheel now, are we? Who cares what happens to the rest of us?

OLIVER (tremblingly): I can’t feel my legs. And I didn’t fall asleep. You punched me, you dope. I saw it before I blacked out.

FELIX (with a voice fueled by rage): Seriously now? This is your story? How could I have even punched you? You were 6 feet away from me. I would have needed to walk over to you, which I couldn’t have because we were both buckled up.

OLIVER (growing frustrated with Felix): This wasn’t my fault. I didn’t fall asleep. (reluctantly) Did you call a doctor?

FELIX: I was able to get to them over the radio. But how can you seriously deny what I saw with my own eyes?

OLIVER: I didn’t fall asleep.

NARRATOR (reminiscently): Two hours earlier.

(The stage is reset with the chairs at the front acting as the cockpit. The two men are sitting in them, reaching forward as if they’re grabbing a steering wheel.)

OLIVER (dragging and slow): My hands are numb.

FELIX (yelling): WHAT? You’ll have to speak up; I can’t hear you over the wind.

(Silence.)

FELIX: Oliver, what’d you say?

(Still silence.)

(Felix is growing concerned for his companion when Oliver’s head begins to drop.)

FELIX (yelling frantically): What are you doing, man? You’re the captain of this plane; I’ve only got a few controls.

(Speakers on the stage begin projecting loud beeping sounds as the chairs begin to shake.)

FELIX (practically screaming): WAKE UP! WE’RE GOING TO HIT THE GROUND!

(With no response from Oliver, Felix rushes urgently, fighting the shaking plane to try and grab the wheel before they hit the ground. He fails and the stage drops dark and the beeping stops.)

NARRATOR (the voice reverberates in the room): Present moment.

OLIVER: I swear it wasn’t me, gent. It felt like something punched me—like I was drugged.

FELIX: Your excuses are insane. Who would’ve drugged you? We’ve been together all day, done all the same things, and eaten all the same food. Who was it? Did you drug yourself?

OLIVER: Eleanor.

FELIX: What do you mean, “Eleanor”?

(A pause from both men.)

FELIX and OLIVER (a whisper of surprise, in unison): The coffee.

END SCENE.


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26 Reviews

Points: 900
Reviews: 26

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Mon Nov 13, 2023 1:39 am
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foxtails wrote a review...



i wouldnt say i love plays, but i think they are very interesting.

your script has a compelling setup with a clear structure, moving back & forth in time to reveal the events leading up to the plane crash. that is your foundation. every play should have a concise set-up like that. your format appears well-structured & the actions surrounding it are mostly clear.

however, i think there are some points that could use more clarification. for example, the transitions between past & present are clear, but you might want to consider making the transitions smoother. perhaps you can use lighting cues or music to help signify the shift in time more distinctly.

i know this is meant to be succinct since its for school, but possibly you could delay some of the big plot twists. the revelation about eleanor drugging oliver could benefit from a bit more foreshadowing. that would make it feel more integral to the story. i think it could be a mysterious element introduced earlier that gains significance as the narrative unfolds, which would be more exciting to read.

this is a good script though i must say. i dont know much about the specifics of scriptwriting, but this has a very solid foundation to it.

envy




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Sun Nov 12, 2023 6:44 am
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Broady771 wrote a review...



Is this for a play? Because I think it's pretty good :D

Although I think maybe you can add a line where Felix says "if it wasn't for me, then we would both be dead" since the plane crashed and they're both alive. Maybe Felix was about to wrest controls from Oliver or something. Overall a pretty good play, hope ya get the grade you want!




PKMichelle says...


Thank you very much! It is a play, and I'll definitely think about adding that in there. Thanks for the review and the kind words!



Broady771 says...


No problem, and have fun! :D




ask not what u can do for ur bones but of what ur bones can do for u
— Carina