Ramses had been traveling for days at the orders of the sages. Her only job was to go through the forests of Vol and kill a Draconian. She thought it was foolish very little had seen a Draconian since the war ended. The only plus to this mission is that Ramses’ horns felt good in the cold wind of Vol while riding her prized horse Lamby.
Ramses stepped off her horse accepting that she was at the point in her mission where she had to kill someone. She made sure she was carrying her pistol and her knife. The only stated rules for this mission was to kill all Draconians at the location. She walked up to the door of the cabin that she believed the Draconians were in. She knocked on the door expecting nothing.
“Hello?” A young woman with black horns a black tail and claws opened the door.
“Oh hello, I was just seeing if I could get something to eat. I’m a merchant and I am traveling to Sevik for the winter. I've recently run out of supplies. If I could rest here and then go into town later that would be great.” Ramses asked, hiding her weapons.
“What is your name Flarite?” The woman said opening the door a little wider
“Ramses you may call me Ram. Your name?” Ram questioned.
“Kathia. My husband will be home soon and he is much less kinder to strangers than I am.” The woman let Ram into the small but nice looking home.
“If you are a traveling merchant what is it that you sell?” The woman said while grabbing some stew.
“Oh uhh sheep.” Ram said awkwardly, grabbing the bowl from Kathia.
“Where’s your herd?”
“Died from some raiders a while back. Now I just wanna get back home to my family.”
“Family?” Kathia asked, a little shocked.
“A spouse. Sweet person at this point I just wanna lie in their arms. With losing the sheep I don't even know if we’ll be okay.” Ram’s voice choked up a bit.
Kathia sighed, “I wish you luck but I cannot help you.”
“Fair enough. So shall I leave?”
“I don’t know, will you?” Kathia snarled.
“You figured it out huh? Smart woman.”
“Or maybe you’re just a bad liar.” Kathia stepped back almost tripping. Ram stepped forward laughing.
“I’m a shit liar but a damn good shot.” Ram pulled out her pistol from its holster.
Kathia continued backing up, eventually falling to the floor. “Why do you do this? Your people know first hand what this is like.” Kathia shouted.
Ram’s eyes widened, “This is my job if I don't do it my brother he…I just have to do this.”
“Would you sacrifice someone else’s family for your own?” Kathia sounded a little disgusted.
“And you wouldn’t? The truth is it’s a whole lot easier to kill a stranger than to let your brother die.” Ram stood up, “It doesn’t have to be like this, you can just take imprisonment instead.”
“And rot in that filthy prison? I would rather you shoot me.” Kathia said flatly.
“So be it.” Ram took out her pistol and aimed right for Kathia’s chest. For a moment Ram hesitated. She slowly pulled the trigger and a loud boom and the smell of smoke and blood filled the room.
Ram looked away from the corpse as she heard the cries of a child. She followed the cries to a small nursery at the back of the house. Ram consoled the baby as if she had not just killed its mother.
The baby looked similar to its mother even having the same horns and tail. It had brown skin and curly hair most likely from its father. The baby wrapped its small fingers around Ram’s pinky.
Ram picked up the child and walked out the door. She had killed so many people but a child is where the line was crossed. She knew this would come back to bite her but this child was her priority.
She carefully rode off holding the child. She didn't know where she would go but she knew it would have to be far. Farther than far.
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What I liked
I think certain details purposely being left unexplained like of the Draconians, presumably until the next chapter, does give me space to ponder about what could happen next; in other words you have got my interest!
What could be improved?
Another user mentioned this already, but there definitely could be more descriptions of the environment, figurative language (ex. metaphors or simile) and other literary devices, especially in replacement of some of that dialogue. It could create a stronger sense of (what I believe) is suspense for the reader.
I hope this helps!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the mortifying S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Ramses is on a mission to kill a Draconian. She quite likes making the journey but not so much the killing part. Oh well, at least she’s helping her brother by doing it.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I feel like Kathia switching up on Ramses moves pretty quickly and I do wonder why Ramses took the baby if the Dad is coming home, but those are just my thoughts.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Ramses hesitates to kill Kathia and doesn’t want to kill children or babies, it shows that she doesn’t really like what she does and wants to do what’s right. But what’s right isn’t always clear and perhaps sometimes, people have to be villains in order to survive.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely intro to this story! I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read more of this story if you wish to add more. I’m excited to see what will happen with Ramses and the child and now…
I wish you a dazzling day/night! ^v^
thanks for the review it is much appreciated I hope you enjoy the later installments of the story of Ram and her new stolen baby
Yw!
Oh, hello! Welcome to YWS!
So! Oh wow, this story... what a controversial beginning!
Anyway, I have a ton of questions, so I'm just going to ask them.
Okay, so I have sooooo many questions! Why did the sages order her to travel with the mission of killing a Draconian? What is a Draconian? What are her thoughts of this mission? By thoughts, I mean... she thinks it's foolish because she hasn't seen a Draconian. But what else? Does she want to kill a Draconian? Is she annoyed by the sages' orders? Is she bored because she doesn't feel like she's killed enough? Why does she have horns? What does she think about her horse? Is she enjoying the ride, at least, or is she only focusing on the wind because otherwise the whole thing would be annoying?
WAIT. How does she know that she has to kill anyone? How is she feeling in the moment? Excited? Scared? Tense? What does she expect when she opens the door? Is there anyone who she expects? Why does she think the Draconians are inside? What clues?
Basically, I want to know what she's thinking and how her thoughts are going so I get a better idea of who this character is!
Ahhhhh I want more descriptions! Like, Ramses hides her weapons. But what is she physically doing as she lies to this woman's face? Does she smile bashfully? Does she stride in assertively? She is clearly lying to this woman, but I want to know hooooow she is pulling off this con! That way, we can have more dramatic tension!
Also! I want to know more about Kathia. Does she suspect anything? Like, later it's revealed that she DOES suspect something, but what's her reaction initially? Does she suspect anything now? Why does she let Ramses into the house... especially a house which has her baby? Why doesn't she turn her away?
Also, why does Ramses seem so confident about entering the house? Is she mentally preparing for contingency plans, if Kathia refuses? Is she relieved when Kathia lets her in with a fuss?
...okay. For the sake of simplicity, I am going to comment on the rest of the story without quoting the piece.
I am not sure why Kathia basically allows herself to be shot? Like, she knows there's a baby in the other room, so why doesn't she like... try to save herself a bit more, especially when she sees Ramses hesitate? The basic lack of self preservation is just... a lot.
And why does Ramses take the baby away, especially when she knows the father is coming soon? In fact... why wouldn't she just wait in the house a little bit till the father comes home and then shoot him too? Or was the mother the specific target? If she only intends on killing the mother, but not the father, doesn't it make sense to leave the child at the home, since the father will likely take care of it? Or does she think the husband is not going home?
Anyway! It is a VERY dramatic chapter! I am not sure if I like Ramses... she seems a bit unhinged, honestly. But I am curious as to the direction of the story.
Hope this review helps! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
thanks for the review a lot of the mistakes were made because I was being dumb and doing this super late when I wasn't thinking to hard this is definitely unfinished I only posted it to get some opinions I'll go back and edit it and hopefully it'll be more polished lolz I do hope you enjoy later installments as I continue to make it friend once again thank you for the review
Lol, no worries! And don't worry too much about it making sense... the first draft is for the story to exist whole the second draft is so the story makes sense.