Welcome to YWS I think Angel covered most of the salient points, but there are a couple of things I’d like to point out as well.
Firstly, in your fifth stanza, your grammar gets rather confused – try “It calms me and relaxes me when life gets too insane” or something similar.
Secondly, you go off beat in a few places, so you might want to tidy it up a bit. A good way to check if your poem is sticking to the designated rhythm is to read it aloud and tap out the syllables on a desk or something with a pen; that way you can see where you go off track. Remember, if you’re going to write in couplets like this, as Angel said, try to make sure that each stanza rhymes properly and keeps time.
Otherwise, I just have some general things about showing vs. telling. You’ve probably heard it before, but it applies in poetry as much as to prose. This is a nice little poem, but the fact is you could probably find something similar in a greeting card in any country around the world. It’s not unique; it’s not personal. Next time, perhaps try to expand on a single concept instead of itemizing everything you love about this person – I suggest the first line “I love the way you look at me when I can’t look at myself.” There are so many unanswered questions – plus, the reader is not involved at all. This is what we sometimes call “navel-gazing” poetry because its full meaning is only accessible to the writer, and it is all about the poet; it doesn’t share.
Maybe next time you could try experimenting with some literary devices – metaphors, similes, analogies – to express how you, personally feel about this person (assuming, of course, it’s autobiographical). Play on the reader’s senses to get them to feel with you, rather than read your poem the way they would a shopping list of love.
If you need any help or want me to explain anything, feel free to PM me. Happy writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles
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