Hey, Messenger here to review this since it looks like it's been in the green room a long time. Typically what I do is just read through the chapter and point out things bit by bit, but in this case, I'm going to speak in broad terms because...well we need to talk.
1. If you don't proof-read at all before posting you are bound to have some errors, whether with spelling, grammar, or punctuation. In this chapter, you've got all of those. I would show you specific examples, but really just pick any paragraph and you can find an error or two. Some examples would be "Feel" instead of fell, "meant instead of met", as well as various comma splices and run-on sentences.
I would advise reading through and editing your chapters before posting them. Just cleaning up some of those issues (which we all make typos and grammar mistakes, that's just part of being a writer) would really make the reading experience easier. That would, in turn, allow us to really focus on the content of your chapter instead of the technicalities. Let's talk about that.
2. Due to the confusing wording, the intro had me lost on who was talking at first, and who was where. It seemed that our MC was in a room and had the door locked, but then he throws the desk and suddenly his mother is in the room? And then they are talking and the transition into the courtyard was rushed. It took me a second to understand that we had transitioned from room to outside. At that point, you mention that it smells like roses and apples, yet you don't mention any bushes or trees so that seems odd.
Then there is the girl, and it was at this point that I noticed you had all sorts of people smiling and laughing multiple times, and yet nothing that has been brought up or discussed/done, such as hurling fire, arguing etc. has seemed like something that would produce a smile. I would make the exception where the girl says that she is a Diruku princess. because there seems to be some irony or internal humor.
3. The middle part was just strange. The entrance of the mist happened very suddenly and didn't give me time to understand what was going on from the transition of the conversation with the princess. But I thought hey, BOOM teleportation straight into a new place to kick off the plot, buuuut... no it was just another mage? And the mist can be thrown around? I must say that I struggled to envision what was going on, and some of that goes back to my #1 point with the technical errors of the writing.
4. The last bit seemed somewhat interesting. A mission where the MC is required for the teleportation sounds interesting, although why, if they need fifty people can he not just teleport then in 5 groups of 10 instead of all at once? And why does he need to do the teleporting if he was just himself teleported to a forest? Then the last bit sounded like our MC owns a slave maybe?
Overall: I think the best thing to do would be to re-write this by fixing the technical errors, of which there are many. From there you can see what you are trying to write and begin to flesh it out. Take your time to describe the settings and explain the actions that are being performed by the characters. Don't expect us to have a clue what is going on from the beginning, but don't treat us like we can't infer anything. Just take your time to flesh out this first scene. I hope this helps and I don't come across as a jerk because I don't want to. I want you to improve your writing and hopefully, these comments help. If yo uare confused or need anything clarifed please don't hesitate to ask.
~Messy
Points: 11727
Reviews: 667
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