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The Orazat chapter 1

by Oxara

“Infano” My voice was a mere whisper in my room, as a fire curled around my fingers. I shaped the fire into a long curling snake then into claws. I stared as my fire let gew into a roaring infernal feeding off my energy regardless if I want it to or not. I let the fire turn into a thin blade and slashed it across the wood wall leaving an ash trail and burned wall.

A knock came from the door. I murmed under my breath “Infete” and the metal began to change to a nice orange red, to which a curse came from the other room. I snickered slightly however, a cool mist entered my room as the metal once again returned to its speck-less sliver seen. I quickly glanced around my room, the domes ceiling too high to be of any use to me. The marble wall too sturdy to be used quickly. A smile graced as my eyes landed my wooden desk. “Levatia le tupio, es ca fu.” A simple blur was all I saw until it slammed to a halt in an instant, however over the shoulder of my mother as a owl might.

“Do you plan to fight me forever?” Her voice was gentle, a mother’s voice.

“This curse, this gift, whatever you call it, cie ti faitu” It’s your fault .

“Child, life is hard for the gifted.” She said her voice firm yet I could hear kindness in it.

“My other gifted don’t see to be so hard” I glanced at my desk still hovering by the door and how plain it was.

She took a deep breath letting the exhale out in a long puff “You are unique.”

“Cie mu dirucku” I am monster

My mother let out a loud giggle. It was odd to see her royal features in such a ungraceful joyous form. Her normal elegant chin point seemed so at odd with slightly hunched shoulder which cause rippled waves of golden hair down her back.

“Well then show those fools how much of a monster you are.”

I looked around at the single window in the left corner of the room, the stone road and houses visible even at this angle. I moved my head to inspect the bed, the curtains flowing around me, the sword with a hilt of a dragon engraved in each curtain. My mother moved to make me face her.

“Dirucku Inferno.” Flames sprung around my knuckles curling next to fingers in long claws, I moved a hand to where she sat. She let out a disappointed sigh but I saw a small smile as she moved for the door. She closed the door and my desk dropped as she let her magic fade. I moved for the courtyard, moving through the marble arch ways on silent feet.

The familiar smell of ripe apples and roses hit me, the fountain gleaned a nice dull silver. The fencing overlooked the large mansions of the nobles. A let my veins buzz with my power and murmured “Litho” and upon my word a light breeze moved across the sky. It was only after my relishing of the familiar did I see a girl, she couldn’t be but a year maybe more older than. Her raven hair conflicted with the light blue of her dress. Two seals of the dragon sword were pinned to her dress at her shoulder, the royal princess. I gave a courtesy bow to her, to which she only leaned against a tree.

“I apologize if my breeze disturbed you.” I said somehow keeping my voice firm.

“I apologize if my people disturb you.” My shock and confusion must have been evident on my face. “The day my people shun language is the mark of…” she trailed off finishing only under her breath.

“So you know me then?”

“No one in courts or in the fields does not know of the cursed mage.”

“I much prefer the Dirucku mage.”

Her face flushed with confusion which made this princess look more like a little girl than anything else “Dirucku?”

“Monster in my native tongue.”

A giggle erupted out of her at that, to which I only stood my back straight burning form my daily training. As her laughter settled she smiled at me “In that case please refer to me as the Dirucku princess.” My brows raised slightly, but she simply gave me a sweet smile and moved to the courtyard entrance.

I let power fill my veins and spoke, pleased that at the very least that this curse gave me some tricks. A dark mist surrounded me and a silent unseen wind wished me across the world The dark mist at last lifted and my feet hit hard dirt. I was in an hallowed out portion of the red forest, various rocks encircled various green tents.

I heard a grunt from across the privallion “Late as always, what your curse held you up.” I simply waved a hand letting some black mist still clinging to me float over to him. I moved to go to the commander’s pavilion. I was meant with the familiar face of a young boy. He barely looked eleven but apparently was much older than me. His laughter crackled to life as he saw me “Right on time as always.” I smiled, subtlety was not his strong suit. I whispered under my breath and a mist which seemed to glow like the sun and I let it drift to him. Once again he laugh echoed the tent.

As the last echoes of his laughter faded his face hardened into a firm line. "We're been ordered to march straight into the enemies terror, a suicide mission unless of course," He trailed off for a second and glanced at me "Can you teleport us all?"

I nearly feel over, having to catch myself with a flick of my tongue and a gust of wind up righted me. I flicked an imaginary piece of trash from my sleeve. "How many are here?"


"Can we make this a scouting mission, ten perhaps?"

"No I was given direct order's to send my entire command." His hand smashed into the table sending a crack a far way's form the center, but the table barley held firm.

"How much time can you buy me to do so?"

His head lifted and a slight glint entered his eyes "I can buy enough time."

"How much?" My eyes intensified a serious look, I would not buy a childish answer.

"I can't say, most of these are untested men, they may not answer to me, and I don't know how many will attack us or where or anything other than that this is mission is not meant to be a patrol, if anything it seems a test for you."

"A test?"

"It seems someone at the highest level has high hopes for you," He gave a slight bow "Dirucku mage" It was my laugh that now echoed in the tent "Alright I'll save this sad sack we call mages for you, but you own me, and how could I give up the chance to make my peers indebted to me?"

"They won't accept that debt"

"Maybe so, but rumors will spread, and that's all I knew."

A fool hearty request met with a fool's answer, best case I get them out of them with numerous injuried and exhausted, and the worst case sent shiver's down my spine. I moved to my tent, I smiled at the classmate, a classmate who's life was given to me, and I would give it away easily. 

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613 Reviews

Points: 10450
Reviews: 613

Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:35 pm
Messenger wrote a review...

Hey, Messenger here to review this since it looks like it's been in the green room a long time. Typically what I do is just read through the chapter and point out things bit by bit, but in this case, I'm going to speak in broad terms because...well we need to talk.

1. If you don't proof-read at all before posting you are bound to have some errors, whether with spelling, grammar, or punctuation. In this chapter, you've got all of those. I would show you specific examples, but really just pick any paragraph and you can find an error or two. Some examples would be "Feel" instead of fell, "meant instead of met", as well as various comma splices and run-on sentences.
I would advise reading through and editing your chapters before posting them. Just cleaning up some of those issues (which we all make typos and grammar mistakes, that's just part of being a writer) would really make the reading experience easier. That would, in turn, allow us to really focus on the content of your chapter instead of the technicalities. Let's talk about that.
2. Due to the confusing wording, the intro had me lost on who was talking at first, and who was where. It seemed that our MC was in a room and had the door locked, but then he throws the desk and suddenly his mother is in the room? And then they are talking and the transition into the courtyard was rushed. It took me a second to understand that we had transitioned from room to outside. At that point, you mention that it smells like roses and apples, yet you don't mention any bushes or trees so that seems odd.
Then there is the girl, and it was at this point that I noticed you had all sorts of people smiling and laughing multiple times, and yet nothing that has been brought up or discussed/done, such as hurling fire, arguing etc. has seemed like something that would produce a smile. I would make the exception where the girl says that she is a Diruku princess. because there seems to be some irony or internal humor.
3. The middle part was just strange. The entrance of the mist happened very suddenly and didn't give me time to understand what was going on from the transition of the conversation with the princess. But I thought hey, BOOM teleportation straight into a new place to kick off the plot, buuuut... no it was just another mage? And the mist can be thrown around? I must say that I struggled to envision what was going on, and some of that goes back to my #1 point with the technical errors of the writing.
4. The last bit seemed somewhat interesting. A mission where the MC is required for the teleportation sounds interesting, although why, if they need fifty people can he not just teleport then in 5 groups of 10 instead of all at once? And why does he need to do the teleporting if he was just himself teleported to a forest? Then the last bit sounded like our MC owns a slave maybe?

Overall: I think the best thing to do would be to re-write this by fixing the technical errors, of which there are many. From there you can see what you are trying to write and begin to flesh it out. Take your time to describe the settings and explain the actions that are being performed by the characters. Don't expect us to have a clue what is going on from the beginning, but don't treat us like we can't infer anything. Just take your time to flesh out this first scene. I hope this helps and I don't come across as a jerk because I don't want to. I want you to improve your writing and hopefully, these comments help. If yo uare confused or need anything clarifed please don't hesitate to ask.


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53 Reviews

Points: 774
Reviews: 53

Tue Mar 12, 2019 3:41 am
JadeLotus wrote a review...

Thank you for tagging me in this! I really enjoyed it. I saw a few spelling mistakes (tbh those made me cringe but we all make them)
Honestly, I wanna read more of this! I'm sorry this is longer but I hope you know I enjoyed it!
Keep up the writing. I'm sorry this isn't more detailed. I can write a better one if you want!
Your friend,

Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White