Years of love you said you gave me
Years of pain I am supposed to forget
You forgot me, time and time again.
I hope some day you'll see the reasons why I left
I was once your little girl, waiting for you to see
You were once my everything.
I used to stay awake at night
Just hoping you’d come home.
Tonight I realized if kept waiting
I would always be alone.
You wonder why I am so cold
It was your mother’s love that made me so.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I wrote this a very long time ago, and I wrote it out of anger. It's not my best work by far, and it's not really something I am proud of. The meaning of it is certainly there for me, but as a reader I am sure it seems as though I am whining. I probably should have kept this on to a diary, and I realize that.
I assure you I have much better work than this.
It hooked me well, but left me hanging at the end. Pretty good, though! I just don't think this poem is very...compelling.
The only correction I would make would be to give and take some of the punctuation there so the poem flows more smoothly. Other than that, great job! The poem is really quite nice.
~Jamie
#ff8fb4 "><3
First of all I like the setting you send the reader into. To my understanding, the speaker seems to be reminiscing and melancholic. If you were trying to set that scene, it worked. Nice job.
The "years of love" and "years of pain" worked well. The repetition fit in a more-than-decent way, which is good. However, I think you should add a comma.
The next three lines are quite powerful. The "you were once my everything" shows how much the speaker trusted that one person, which is great. The "little girl part" makes the innocence theme shine (for lack of a better word), but a little bit of punctuation might add to the atmosphere. I'd also take out the comma between "I was once your little girl" and "waiting for you to see."
Lines eight and ten of your poem was similar to lines two and four. The assonance made the poem seem like it was rhyming, even if it wasn't ("forget" and "left," "home" and "alone"). I loved those four lines. They complemented each other.
I like all of your lines except the last two. They don't seem to join the other lines for some reason.
Overall, nice work. I enjoyed reading your poem. I hope to read more writing from you in the future :]
I liked it. I think it was a little chopy at some parts but you really said what you felt.
Wow... I really wrote that.
<.<
>.>
I promise I really have improved from this.
XD
i dont like the people like... that one who mad the comments about the cliches and apostraphes, I MEAN GET A LIFE... AND YOU READ SOME! WRITING IS NOT ABOUT THE READER. its about the author.
the poem spoke what you felt, and as any true writer will know, we dont write for other people, to hell with other people, you write for yourself. sorry all for the outburst.
There is only punctuation for some of the writing in the poem. You should have them for all the lines of the poem.
Also, there are many words that are reused too much.
The second line and third line both use forget and forgot.
Also the fifth line seems to hang, with no real ending to it. It might be good to complete that thought, because it doesn't flow well with the next line.
I'm also a bit confused about the rhyme scheme, is there supposed to be a rhyme scheme?
-jazii
This reads like a pop song. That's not really a good thing.
Basically, if you took out all the cliches, it might...oh, wait, never mind, if you take out all the cliches there's nothing left except a few apostrophes.
Remember to keep your reader in mind. This speaker seems completely self-absorbed and obsessed with addressing "you". It's not a bad thing to have a speaker addressing another person, but it is bad to forget about your reader. Here...there's no appeal to the reader. Give us at LEAST one reason to care.
In the meantime, go out and read some poetry!
-Colleen
wow nice i only wish that the last two lines would rhyme better but i realize that they don't have to be perfect so there isn't much for me to say