Published January 26, 2010
She smiled at him.
It was a warm sort of
smile, absent of the anger
and spite he had expected
and full of kindness and strength.
It was almost mocking in sincerity,
like she had just told a joke
and he had missed the punch line.
--perhaps he was the punch line--
Where he had expected her to be
cold and bitter, she remained as warm
as she had ever been.
It was the kindness that confused him
--perhaps he was craving her temper--
To give him the triumph of knowing
she still mourned the loss of their love.
But she did not give him
such a victory, hardly acknowledging
it had ever existed at all.
Had she frowned or looked startled
--perhaps a bit flustered--
it would have been best.
Had she been perturbed that
he was there at all,
he would have been satisfied.
But to smile?
It was so merciless.
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139,467 Literary Works • 672,572 Reviews
Oooh, hey there, Tiff. I loved your poem. Really, I did.
Adored it.
Anyhoo, like Classy said, that ^ line ruins your beautiful river-flow poem.
This was a very well written and executed poem. My only nitpick is the line Classy mentioned.
So, nice job.
Tata.
-Mizz
Hiya OverEasy! Classy here for a review.
This line... I don't like it at all - at least the way it was written. It ruined the flow of this piece, which is great, I might add, a very easy read. I would suggest not entering this line by '--' but maybe by incorporating it in some way.
Overall
like I said before, this was a very easy to understand read. That is not a bad thing, it means I wasn't confused at all. This flowed so well, and I was able to read it quickly and still take every word in.
Keep writing!
Classy
Jenna> on the topic of stanzas, I rarely ever have stanzas in my poetry for whatever reason xD it's not that I am opposed to them, it's that I find they rarely fit in my poems lol.
Jon> lol I have never watched the Desperate House wives, so I'm not sure how to avoid sounding like it's narrator, but! I will take a second look at those lines xD
I'll probably edit at some point today
Hey, Tiff! (Sorry about yesterday night, my computer spazzed. >.< I was going to do it then, but yeah...)
Anyway, I liked this! However, I did have some issues:
When you use "and" it makes it seem he was expecting that as well. Now, I know that this is more of a "but rather full of...yadda yadda" but, you have to get rid of "and" and replace it with some other word. Perhaps, "But rather" or "Rather". But then if you use "Rather", put a period after expected, and a comma after "Rather".
I'm just pointing out that I love this line.
When you use "such a", it reminds me a bit of the narrator from "Desperate Housewives". Haha, if that's the feel you were going for -- keep it. But, something about it bugs me a little. And, perhaps of "success" you could use the word "victory". (But then, if you use "victory" you can keep "such a")
I know, I'm being difficult. Sorry. >.<
I agree with Jenna that it may have been a little abrupt, but that doesn't mean I didn't love it! I loved this ending...it was so playful and..."cougar"ish. (Mind my adjectives. xD)
I would like to see this "meated" up a bit...you have something solid to add onto, so do it! (Aside from adding onto it just because it's solid, I think the poem would benefit from more words.)
*Liked*
-Jon
(Sorry if that was no help at all. >.<)
Hey, Tiff!
As always, I love your work. It's beautiful, and seems so natural like it's meant to be read out loud. I do think it needs stanzas though (I hope that's not the spacing issue you mentioned.)
The ending seemed a little abrupt, like it had been cut off. The other lines have a lot more words in them than the last two. Adding a few more words of description might help it feel more complete.
This is my favorite part. It's so matter-of-fact, and at the same time it's really intense and deep. I like what you've done with the dashes; I've never seen that before in a poem but you make it work.
Thanks for posting.
As I said at the beginning of the post, any spacing issues were due to the fact that I originally posted the poem via cellphone and was unable to see the layout until I got home an was able to fix it ^^
It was decent, but you shouldn't cut sentences in half to save the flow, it just screwed the flow up entirely..
Hmm.
I really liked it.
The whole idea of it was good and it was well written