Published March 31, 2009
(trying to get this ready for publishing, I've reworked it again
but it still needs a little help)
Storm
A beautiful thing happened this night—
the storm clouds moved in.
Cradling the city,
hovering overhead, shielding.
The moon; a joyous glint of light,
playing peak-a-boo
with the metropolitan night.
The city noise halts
as the first raindrop strikes.
The sound of sirens drown
in the blissful drone of rain.
Wrapped in a blanket of water
the city finally slumbers.
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140,833 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello! Peanut critic to the rescue!
This seems to be the only part that rhymes... I don't know if it is a coincidental word choice, or if you decided not to rhyme the other ones, but I would think about changing it. It doesn't go along, really, with the rest if it doesn't fit the same context... or, I think that's what it's called xD
This is the poem, right? You are just telling us that storm clouds moved in... try showing us!
Love... it...
Great ending!
OK, this was a really good poem... you touched a topic I love very much! Storms are just about my favorite thing in the world! Have you thought about adding some of the more powerful elements of storm in there, like lightning, thunder, tornado, etc.? OR! Since you were so good at this one, you could make a separate poem about hose! OR! I could! OR... oops
[spoiler]9/10 ... minor mistakes, but very fixable. Aw-some po-em![/spoiler]
Hiya Tiff! June here!
Okay. I'm totally and utterly horrible at remembering to review things; you can torture me for the delay on this as long as you want, dear. I'm so sorry I didn't have this done sooner. I only remembered when I saw you as the random member. >.<
Anyway! Let's take a look:
So! This part.
Firstly, I should say, your way with words in this poem is absolutely, gorgeously beautiful, Tiffany.
When I read this couplet here, I was thinking that you had a continuous flow of ideas here, meaning that you could continue reading throughout this, and one thought would transform to another, and another and so on. So! When I came to the period in this first line here, I was a little bit surprised. I think that as far as words and ideas here go, it's beautiful. But, I also think that this line would be a wonderful opportunity to be able to have a "Cascading of ideas", where one idea transforms to another.
Either way, this is absolutely wowing, Tiff. Wonderful job here.
Not sure if this has been pointed out, dear, but, the peak you want to use here is "peek"; peak is like, a mountain top, or the highest point of something, dear.
- * -
So, as far as suggestions go, Tiff, I wouldn't use periods in this until the end. It's your choice to use the punctuation you want, and it's not a bad thing to use periods, either. It's just that, using periods will bring us to lots of full stops. If you don't use them, it will give the poem a sort of "rushing feel", as if the words are being pushed to hurry or something.
I would suggest that, so that you could reflect the rush of the storm in your poem.
I absolutely love your word choice and structure here. The imagery was extremely well cut out, extremely pure, and overall just beautiful.
Tiff, I haven't read anything so brilliant as this in ages. Wonderful job, I absolutely loved it, dear, especially since it pertains to nature.
Gold star. Keep it up!
Juniper
Hey this was indeed beautiful.
Hey hey! You've got some beautiful imagery here, hun but I'm not sure that the flow's quite right, it feels like it should be smoother or more rhythmic. Storms are very constant so maybe it would be cool if you had every line flow into the next, just on and on until the full stop at the end. It's a short enough poem that you'd probably get away with it but it would take quite a bit of re-wording. Just an idea I thought I'd leave with you.
Here's a few close-up comments:
Sorry I couldn't be of much help. It shows that you've worked hard on refining this and it's good but as you say, there's still room for improvement. I'm just not quite sure what to suggest but let me know if you make any changes and would like me to take a second look,
Heather xx
p.s. Good luck with the edits and publishing!