Love this. I can definitely see why you do.
You inject so much emotion into your writing, It is a really important skill to have.
The writing is very graphic, I can see the scene in my head, very well played out.
It can be improved though
Although the writing is very textured and strong, the plot is kind "heard it before"
Girl meets guy, loves guy, feels sad for guy, guy comes back, girl happy.
Try use this poem but change it to a different plot.
Your anger of the narrator is shown very strongly, try to show the feelings and emotions of the other character.
You could possibly turn this into a short story, Just lengthen out your descriptions
It's just an idea to turn this into a series.
Just some constructive criticism,
I honestly think that you are incredibly talented, this is one of my favorite pieces.
keep writing like you mean it
Vera
Points: 4532
Reviews: 57
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