Mine
Vicious smiles adorned their lips as they
carved their names into you,
marking you with tiny cuts.
mine, mine, mine.
Stealing away the grin from your face,
the breath from your lungs.
And when they are finished,
they kiss you, and brush the hair from
your cheeks, whispering sweet words
of love and adoration. From brutality
to false affection-- they bring
you into their misery.
I move forward, lips puckered,
unconsciously prepared to kiss away the
shadows from your soul.
To wipe away the cobwebs
with diligent fingers, unleashing your
ability to love. And hand over hand,
I'll break down every wall, finding
that each layer unveils hundreds of
tiny little scars that they have left.
Without intent I reach forward,
gently brushing the raised lines with
curiosity and childish interest.
I touch them lightly-- a delicate
brush of skin to skin.
Your eyes close, head lulls
with a quiet sigh of content.
And with each caress, the injuries
fade, 'til they bleed into
your flesh, becoming all but imaginary.
With a smile and a kiss,
I place my hand in yours,
quietly whispering---
mine...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Psh, Tiff, way to spring a poem on me that doesn't deserve criticsm.
But, anywhoo, I'll have a stab and see what I can do.
Best of luck!
I like the message that this poem sets forth. It's delicate, and I will not touch that, but as far as delivering goes, I would like to see prettier language. By that, I don't mean make it all flowery and stuff, but someone used to tell me that "if you take all of the line breaks and it reads like a story paragraph, you have more work to do."
By this, I mean that a poetic voice is truly an important thing to rely on in poetry writing. Never mind if yours is basic or something, just 'poeticize' your words, use words in new contexts and such forth so that it rings poetically in our minds.
Aaand, I have nothing more to say, other than keep up the great work, and I'd love to see more.
June
Wow, Tiff! That is all I can say.
That was a very refreshing read, it really was.
I got chills as I read the last word...fantastic. *Gold Star*
Now, write another! ^_^ (Also, I loved the imagery, and how it read.)
Good morning. Your poem was good. It held a certain bitter-sweetness. As the the narrator was healing the other, she was healing herself. Well written.
Now, you asked me to look at this.
I did, read it, loved it, and now you have me stumped.
I must say I'm impressed, your poetry (from what I read) is already just great. But this one is just wonderful and completely impressive. Must say by far your best.
Congrats and write more! I want to see more!
Kamas
Hi OverEasy!
Wow. I really loved this poem. You've weaved a large amount of emotion into the words you crafted here, and it really shows.
I especially loved this line. It really displays the emotion in this poem by providing an image to go with the desire to be as close as possible to the one you love. Amazingly done.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
I think this is the poem that you've been wanting to write for all these years. It's lovely.