Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was eight years old when my father’s heart failed him and he collapsed to the floor at my feet. He stared at me, his eyes glassy and pleading, and his trembling fingers gripping the hem of my cotton dress. He begged me over and over again to help him, and I stared at his powerless form, unmoved. As he sat so vulnerable before me, his heartbeat slowing to a stop, his ragged breaths coming out in puffs across my chubby child like legs, I realized I had the power. My father lay dying, and in that moment when he pleaded me to grant him one last breath, I had the power.

And eight years later, when my sixteenth birthday rounded the corner, and my chubby legs were blessed with the grace of a woman, I did not regret his death.

Once again, I repeat, the lack of emotion was intentional. Read my above statement if you wish to see why.

Yeah, the character lacked a bit of emotion, and there are a few grammar mistakes. also, whil it is a prologue, even as a prologue it's a bit short. doesn't give the reader enough to latch on to. It could benefit more style, but I know that you can develop as you keep writing. If the piece were lengthened, and you could breath a bit more life into the work it would be an excellent piece.

it's still an intriguing start, and it does beg the reader to keep on, in spite of the rough patches. I am curious as to what "the power" will be. I think you do give a good bit of description, so well that when it cuts off so suddenly it leaves us wanting more. expand the initial statement. The death obviously will be a factor for things to come, so describe it more fluidly.

the piece is still not a bad work though, keep working and I'm sure you could develop the work into a fine story.

good job, Mike.

It is good. You are very descriptive, and I like that. You convey the details very well, and you make it very clear what is happening. Yet, as with every story, there are problems. You're prolouge lacks emotion. In prolouges, you need to hook the reader's attention as quickly as you can. Now, you did add alot of action, and mystery, but it lacked that sense of fear that needed to be present. Your character is an eight year old school girl. Your father is dying on the floor in front of you and you're just staring at him! Even though you're character has a personality dissorder, explain it to us in the prolouge! By just looking at it, it doesn't make much sense.

One more thing. You're prolouge doesn't make much sense plot-wise either. Your prolouge is also a bit too short for my tastes, but that's just my opinion. I completely understand that you may be trying to instill a sense of mystery and suspense in your readers, but it starts with your father dying in front of, then jumps to you being a teenager. You need to describe a bit more than that! Say what happened to your father. Did you let him die? Did you fail if you tried to bring him back to life? I understand that you didn't explain what this "power" is, that's suspense. But you jump too much and leave too much unexplained, even for a suspense work.

But again, it is well written, and very descriptive. You just need to always make sure that you're story makes sense to a person who has never heard of this before, and doesn't know that is going to happen later.

Hey! I really liked that. An idea kind of popped up when i saw all the people talking about emotion though. If the killer is crazy, or has autism that affects the way she feels emotion, then wouldn't that enable her to kill without feeling. if her mind was basic, then she would have no problem with wanting power. Just throwing that out there!
-Saphirra

Hey, OverEasy, my fellow Purp.

As a prologue, this is great. It gets the reader invested into the story and gives us a good taste of your character.

his eyes glassy and pleading, and his trembling fingers gripping the hem of my cotton dress.

chubby child like legs

This was very short, but very interesting. It was definitly something to look into, and the idea of the character is strange, sickening, and yet, truly awe inspiring. I give you props. That was truly an interesting idea and something you should look more into.

Also, I do believe that your character is in fact, a believable serial killer. The idea of power and her obtaining it was something truly interesting to me. I enjoyed this and please PM me when there is more!

Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker

Thanks guys. Not sure if I am going to continue this one, and if I do it probably isn't going to happen for a while. I appreciate the advice though

Well... It was okay, but I think it would have been better if you would have taken more time with it. It was just so short. Besides, she was just eight years old, so she couldn't do much anyway, so I don't see much power or cruelty in there. Maybe you could have him begging for her to dial 911, and she has the phone in her hand but says no. Or something... His life isn't really in her hands, and so I don't see how she has the power.

Anyway, after a little edit session, this could be pretty cool. Good luck with this.

I felt it lacked style, You should spend a little more time developing this scene. Describe the day, what was her father doing when his heart attack came on? How does she discover him? I just feel like this is closer to free writing than the beginning of a story.
Another thing, I felt the phrase chubby child like legs is a little silly. I mean if she's a child then saying her legs are child like is kindof redundant.

This looks like a couple of beginnings I wrote while trying to come up with the best beginning for my new novel. Typically, I write several dozen beginnings, and as I write, I get a better idea of what I want and I run with it. I have a couple of requirements for the winning beginning.

1. It has to catch. If it doesn't catch the reader, if it doesn't suck them into this world, then it's not good enough.

2. It has to show the reader who the character is very clearly. If the reader cannot understand the character, that means that I haven't made him real enough to be judged as a human.

3. It has to have potential to continue.

You have one and two down pat. This definitely does catch the reader and it definitely shows who the character is. The problem? It goes no where. You tried to offset this by putting it as a prologue instead of a first chapter, but the prologue really isn't substantial enough to hold itself on its own. It feels incomplete and it feels unfinished, and believe it or not, that's actually really bad for a prologue. An ideal prologue is written more like a short story than a first chapter. First chapters have to propel the reader in, and this is often done with cliffhangers, as you have done here. Prologues typically finish.

Now, obviously there are exceptions to this rule. But. I don't think this prologue is particularly good enough to be such an exception. When you start your first chapter, you have to deal with hooking the reader in all other again, just because this is so unsubstantial that your reader will need to be further induced to read any further. So basically, you're working much too hard.

I have two suggestions.

This is a catchy beginning. If you want to keep it (and I can see why you would want to keep it) then add more on it. Make it flow. Don't stop at the end. The ending's not powerful to make you want to read further anyway, since it only deals with the mind and really has nothing to do with the action and what's giong on. Well... I lied, sort of. Her dad does get a heart attack. BUT. Your conclusion has nothing to do with the dad (which is the action part of the story) and everything to do with the narrator's mind. This is boring. You have to combine both conflicts (internal and external) to make it truly catch all the way through.

OR

Start over. Toss this aside and work on creating the perfect beginning. It took me several dozen times, but I think I have something that works. I think. This way, you might actually end up creating a scene that is even more powerful. Hey, it's possible!

And you don't have to start with this. You can disperse this information throughout the story.

Right now, however, it's too unsubstantial to be anything other than a very rough draft of a possible beginning.

For those that are questioning my characters ability to feel no emotion please read a tad bit more on Antisocial Personality Disorder

Apparent lack of remorse or empathy; inability to understand having hurt others

You know what

I liked that
It was short yet emotive and the language was nothing complex but thats why it was attention gripping and real. It leaves the reader wondering- who is this girl, whats the last wish etc.
Tbh i think alot ogf people on her are far too critical, if a story grips you then good but its personal preference
I liked it anyhow... want to hear more

Hey Tiff,

First of all; I love the way that is written. Only one thing didn't read so nicely, and that was "Chubby child legs". The rest was very good, and quite chilling.

Secondly: I don't think it's unrealistic. I'm sure it's possible for someone to react this way, for emotions are complicated and different for every person. The lack of emotion the character shows creates an eerie mood, and made some questions arise. How does someone become that apathetic? Why does she have this fixation on power? and... what is she going to do next ? o.0

[/creepiness]

Anyways. I disagree with Vox; not all serial killers are the same. A serial killer can be so uncaring and cold that they seem to lack a conscience altogether, or they can be, as Vox says, passionate and secretive. They can be anything. There's no specific personality profile to follow for a serial killer character, for there are always those who don't fit the norm. Even if that norm is a norm of abnormality. If all serial killers were the same type of person, the dictionary definition would have been made more accurate than this: serial killer (n.) A person who attacks and kills victims one by one in a series of incidents.

It would have said "a passionate and secretive person who attacks and kills victims one by one in a series of incidents."

Yay to everyone being unique, eh?

I think you've got a good start to your story, here, Tiff. Your character is eerie, though you do need to make sure you develop her issues and show us why she is such an extraordinarily stolid person.

PM me if you post more, pleaase?

XxxDo

Hi there, OverEasy,

You have succeeded in letting us know your character in a very short time, yet to be perfectly honest, I didn't really find this piece to be realistic in the least. Firstly, as Vox said, I don't believe that your character could show so little emotion. You might want her to be angry, yet the chances of her being indifferent are virtually nil.

Secondly, I don't believe that a well rounded character would admit, even to herself, that she is obsessed with power. Usually she will convince herself that she serves a higher purpose, or gains something, either financially, politically or morally from her murders.

I would suggest that if you want to continue with the idea, you either change the character, or you could write this from a third person's point of view or the point of view of a friend of the serial killer. The reason that I would advise this, is that while others may perceive little emotion from the serial killer, she undoubtedly has emotions. You have to decide whether you trust yourself to accurately portray the emotions of the serial killer to the audience, without losing a sense of reality. It would be difficult to do this from her own perspective.

Have a good one!

Uh...you're lacking emotion. Serial killers are passionate and secretive people. Go to how-stuff-works.com and type in serial killers. They have an awesome article on the subject.
Do the research-it'll pay off.