Published May 10, 2009
The first: jagged, raised
a deep puncture.
The second: twins paralleled
across pale flesh.
The third--the fourth:
I hate them.
Self inflicted reminders of my own
idiocy. I never let them show--
hide them from
prying eyes
and unanswered questions.
He made me hide them,
cover them with my hand
when we “made love”.
Said they made me ugly
said they made me less than a woman
(more like broken goods).
But you…
you pulled the clothes from my body
you stared at them for a moment.
My hands flew to cover them
(I am not broken, I am not ruined,
please… look at me).
Your eyes stayed fixed
as you lean forward, your lips
pressing against them.
Giving each a single kiss,
your breath heating my skin
(I love you, I love you).
Tears sting painful
behind my eyes, my heart
alight with fireworks bursting through
my veins to burn me from the inside out.
(I am not broken, I am not ruined,
I am loved).
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
I really like this, at first I was like ok this is going to be depressing, but it isn't. It really shows true life of the emo people.
Hola snapcracklepop, motherpupper, sonofabiscuit....
In short, I liked it a lot which is saying something cuz I'm not a big fan of poetry. The title is what caught my attention. Ok, so like you've been told before, I would give a little description on what those first two scars mean to the narrator. you did the same for the 3rd and 4th and to me, it seems to throw it off ever so...slightly. But that's just me and I've got absolutely nada experince when it comes to poetry.
Overall it was super awesome. *Star*
OE -
A solid draft. Cut the ellipses and parentheses and add a strophe break after the first four scars. The ellipses seem like cheap pleas for attention; the parenthetical remarks are horribly vague and don't concentrate into a powerful enough idea by the end to justify their existence. I would simply rework them into the poem itself.
Although I think the short lines are productive in the early parts of the poem, they seem to be counteractive in (roughly) the second half. As the poem shifts from violence towards something like redemption, their shortness come off as ironically violent when I think you're intending something rather different.
Some of the more tell-y lines can be done away with, e.g. "He made me hide them, / cover them with my hand / when we 'made love.'" I think there are some interesting ideas buried in lines like this, but they're unexplored (why cover with the hands? what does it mean that the hands, the things we use to push away and pull close, are busy doing something else?). Some more insight - some more "investigative journalism," if you will - into the particulars of the offered scenes would be a great boon to this piece.
Take care,
Brad
I love this poem. It's absolutley amazing.
The first and second scars confuse me though.
As someone else pointed out, they should be despcribed more, like the last two.
The flow and the rythm were great. The whole piece is beautiful.
And I can almost relate to a few parts in the whole.
Great writing. (:
-alileah.
I adored this!
It was emotional, original and extremely well written! I especially love the theme of this poem, it really does make a person think.
I have to agree though with a few people that have said that it would be better if you explained where the first scars had come from.
Other than that, I can't see anything wrong with it
I love the lines: I am not broken, I am not ruined...
They're really effective in my opinion and it works very well with the poem
Overall, your poem flows very well, and it has a good rythm to it. You use some very good descriptions which makes your writting extremely effective!
Can't wait to read more of your work!
Meg xoxo
This was amazing and actually made me cry a little. But I do agree with Snoink - I'd like to hear more about the stories behind the scars, so we can feel the emotion of it even more when the one boy looks at them and kisses them.
Hey Eggs!
You asked for a review so here I am!
Now let's see (you have lots of great critiques already, so this may seen a little repetitive)
Okay this one was quite intense!
I love the story theme to this poem
It had a nice flow to it but it is cut off
The first:
The second
etc...
Otherwise I have no complaints for it!
With Love,
K A M A S
wow... just... wow.
i like it a lot.
i really like how you used the parenthesis. like, extra thoughts, your thoughts that were in the poem.
if this is real, that is true love.
maybe a little more explaining the first scars?
i loved it!
I loved this poem I just think that there needs to be more description on the first to scars. There's the whole rest of the peom that is developing the character behind the last two scars and two sentences for the first two.
I liked how you used the inagery about your hands when they flew up to cover the scars. It's like they became birds.
But other than that I really liked this poem, I think that it really shows about what some people go through when they have scars. And this really showed the hate for the scars and the love for them at the end.
Aww... this is a weirdly sweet poem!
You described the physical attributes of them, but I sort of want you to explain the emotional attachments to them--the first and the second ones, that is. Since there is probably a history involved with them.
I like the briefness of this.
I would probably get rid of the first sentence of this. If you explained it in more depth, we get a better idea of what actually happened anyway.
It sounds like you're talking about "the clothes" instead of the scars. So a rephrase like this may be slightly better:
you pulled the clothes from my body
and stared at my scars
I got rid of the "for a moment" because the word "stared" already implies that there is a hesitation involved. ^^
I like the imagery... your hands become birds! Very fitting. Your hands become more delicate and flighty that way.
I don't like this line, mostly because it seems repetitive after what you did in the line before. But the line before was a lot prettier. ^_^ And this does tie into the ending... but... let's get there later.
One thing that I think is missing from this description is him peeling off your hands and then kissing the scars, if that makes sense. That little motion would make this soooo much more sweeter.
And here's where I have to give you the hated ambiguous answer of, "Something's not right with this, and I don't know why." Sorry.
I have a couple ideas why it doesn't sound quite right... I'm used to having a more conclusive ending where you resolve the conflict that you've posed in the beginning, and the conflict is that you hate the scars. But by realizing your love for him... you don't quite tie it in with the love for yourself, so this poem really doesn't resolve, and that makes it less sweet. In the description where he kisses your scars, it's obvious that there's lots and lots of love there... and that's where the sweetness comes from. Now, I think you need to turn the poem into this love creating within you a love for yourself.
...if that makes sense.
So sorry for the ambiguity of the last part! If you have any questions, just ask.
Holyohmygod.
That was really good.
The only thing I can think of that I'd like to see is a bit of description about the first two scars...where are they, what do they mean to the speaker, where did they come from and why? Since you spend so much time developing the character that has the last two scars, I'd like to see the side of the character that has the first two.
Other than that, your poem was absolutely beautiful.