A poem I found in an old journal and fixed up. Tell me what you think.
I breathe in
savoring the scent
that is wholly his.
Deep musk,
so deliciously male.
I curl my toes
and bring myself closer.
I feel his arms
take hold of me
in a possessive embrace.
His fingers
tangle in my hair
as he brings my face
near his.
Devoting his entire
self to my pleasure,
his lips connect with mine.
I taste old cigarettes
and beer on his
tongue. A flavor
I have come to cherish.
His lips continue their
assault on my own,
and I realize
in that instant,
I am completely
and wholly
his.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, OE-I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you need to break this up. Like three lin es or four then hit enter twice and start with the new line. I don't know why this occured to me but yeah, I think it would be best. I love the poem, I won't tell you the mistakes you've made because everyone else has already done that.
your friend
-Max
Not much time. I like how ya let us into the scene through a little navelgazing. You really bring the emotion and feeling alive. It's not original so to speak but what hooks us is you use senses.
My suggestion would be include hearing. Then the poem would be better.
Overall: I like this, but it lacks what she hears, which would prop this up much better. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
Hello! Here upon request and desire!
Maybe have a dash here, but you could also replace the comma with the word that.
Here, I think you did a better job relating the poem with the title. In fact, the poem was all about the title. It was about him, and the reader can easily identify who he is from your marvelous imagery.
You definitely describe the boy's lust very well. I wish I could pick anything else out for you, but I'm kind of falling apart now. *needs sleep* You did great, though. Keep up the good work!
Jabber, the One and Only!
I like this, Tiff. I think you're an amzing poet. I love the details into this. I love how you described every bit of each line. Keep up the good work!
-Rick.
Awwwww Tiff, this poem is so lovely. I really like it ^^
Keep it up! ^^
I am completely
and wholly
his.
^ I really love your ending. It was just great. I'm not usually a fan of these types of poems, but I really like it. You put it together really nicely. I...don't have much else to say
Aww, I love the ending! The line breaks in the end really added to the relaxed tone.
There's only one mistake I caught.
"Breath" should be breathe, as to take and expel air.
Else than that your poem fits perfectly into the dramatic poetry forum and I love it.
*clicks gold star*
Way to go. :]
Wow, this is really great! I love the not-overbearing intimacy you've weaved though out this piece. I love love love the line about his lips continuing their assault, that was the perfect way to describe it. Furthermore, I think the subject matter, or at least several lines, is definitely easy to connect with for many girls.
This is the only part that made me hesitate, just for a moment of course. I think it's because it's not his lips that are devoting "his entire self"... so it Almost feels like a dangling participle. So maybe check out a way to reword that, otherwise youve got one heck of a poem that I really enjoyed reading.
So, keep up the good work and keep searching those old journals! I'm amazed at some of the stuff I find sometimes :]
sc.
Alirght right off the bat I'm going to say poetry's not my strong suit, but I'm going to give it my best shot.
I liked this poem, its got the romance that I absolutely adore. But it seems borderline Naval Grazing and it mentions cigerettes which isn't that good. But I wouldn't take that to heart about the poem, I've just got a growing grudge against cigerettes.
Anyways, I'm not good with punctuation with poems, because like I said poetry's not my strong suit, but I'm trying to get better.
In general the flow seems a little choppy, but nowhere near forced.
Just a few general comments about wording:
You used "wholly" in almost polar oppsites of the poem, it's one of the only akward parts of this whole thing.
I love how you depict this, you describe the guy as a scandalous youth, drinking and smoking all the time, or as both yourself and him adults. It leaves room for the reader to decide who they like better, the teenage boy or the legal adult.
Bravo ^_^ If you've got any questions ask me!
This was really good. I could actually be involved. Very good.
Whoa. I really liked the beat of the poem. You had me hooked from the first two sentances. I really liked the last part of it. Unexpected. Nice.
*gives gold star*