Heat

You could really feel the emotion in it. Nice job.

ahh, like everyone said, this was very moving.
you are a super good writer, i like it [:

ahhh, such a controversial topic to post a story about. i'm glad you didn't come right out and state that the MC was a guy--it made it much more powerful when i looked back and said, "Oh."

you portrayed in a much more accurate and flowing way than i did in a story ten times as long as this(that i trashed before i finished) what homosexuality/bisexuality is like to someone of faith, and what it can do to the indecisive mind.

indecisive...like mine.

This was a powerful piece. You described everything well and it fit the quiet, clandestine setting. This is definitely worth a gold star.

I hope to read more of your writing in the future.
Well done.

Hey. I thought this a good piece. You did well with the internal struggles of your MC. Only thing I would've liked is a little detail. We have no idea who these characters are. We're just immediately dumped into the sex. How did it lead up to this moment? Was there any hesitation before they began this? Are they friends?

Otherwise, I liked it. Be watching for more.

This was so brilliant. I could actually feel the tension from the narrator--battling religion with his lust for the guy. You gave it the right amount of detail to make it erotic, but not pornographic. However, I think since the guy is in lust you could describe what made him lust after the lover. I loved the inner conflicts, but however I think you can make it more fresh--a bit more conflict. Is religion all that is forbidding them? What about the guy's parents? It was a wonderful story, just a little more insight sooner--I actually thought at first that it was a woman and a man trying to make love until I reached the word "boxers." Extremely good, just needs a deeper dig.

This was brillant Adam. So amazingly brillant.

I wish I could give you more, but really I can't.

Bravo, and Merry Writing!
~Bella~

The emotion in this was really great. When I first started reading it, I was like "oh great, another stupid sex story." But this had so much heart to it.

I will say at first thought that I didn't catch on that it was a guy. I was reading it from the point of view of a girl, until you mentioned 'boxers.' Which is it supposed to be? It could be either, I suppose, if not for the gender-specific undergarments. After all, the sex before marriage aspect could come in.

Anyway, very nice piece. I ached for them in the end, but at the same time, I admire the MC's strength in adhering to their principles. Very, very nice.

*cheers*

~GryphonFledgling

This was Wow!! You did a great job with the emotions of the MC, you're an awesome writer. This deserves a star!!!

This is great, Adam. You portray such a strong sense of atmosphere and emotion! Your tense needs some work and I have a few structural suggestions but generally, it can't be faulted:

I felt the soft cotton of my shirt sliding away from my skin, edging over my head and slinking to the floor.

He slipped off his shirt as well. [This seems a little abrupt and cuts the flow. I don't know if you desired that affect but I think it breaks the atmosphere a touch.] Creeping up my stomach[Maybe a semi colon here or at least a comma?] I felt his lips lightly pucker, Shivers of pleasure raced along my back. It was all I could do to not scream. [I think this last sentence could be stronger. You're very good at showing rather than telling, so use that here. Maybe something like 'Strangled screams caught in my throat, held back merely by force of will.' Though I'm sure your imagination can think of something much more beautiful and fitting.]

His arms wrapped around me, lips making contact, hot and powerful [I'd suggest a full stop here.] my eyes remained closed.

Still, we continued. He regained control, that strong, masculine hand sliding on [Maybe up or across or down would be better?] my thigh, the thick denim wasn’t enough to block the sensation. [I'd suggest an edit to this last part. Perhaps: '...my thigh; the thick denim not enough to block such sweet sensations.']

Ever so slightly, ever so quiet, he slid them off. They [I'd suggest using that rather than they.] felt so good it hurt.

[Read my comment at the end of this quoted section before you look at the suggested changes...]The warmth [s]is[/s] was gone. The raw heat turning to cold grim reality.

“We can’t. I can’t.” I [s]get[/s] got up, not wanting to look at him. Not wanting to see those beautiful eyes accepting me. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand. Not everyone can accept themselves for who they are.” He’s so kind. I want him so much, but my mind is calling the shots now. [Maybe put this line in italics to show direct thought? It's so lovely in present tense that changing it would be a real shame...] The Bible [s]is[/s] was ringing through my skull while my heart [s]is[/s] was cracking.

I pulled my clothes back on in the darkness. I [s]don’t[/s] didn't want to see his face. That sharp jaw and soft smile [s]are[/s] were more than I [s]can[/s] could take. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” I said as I reached the door handle. Pushing it slowly so his parents [s]won’t[/s] wouldn't wake.

I thought this was a very well written, moving piece. Nice job .

Andy was right, this peice was exellently written. . I like how you don't tell us right away it's two boys. When I heard forbidden I thought of incest or something worse. But how ya made it all come down to something that's really normal. It's sad, that the boy just won't let it up that it's his life. I feel sorry for him though. Overall a great peice, and how it ends it tragic. You could make this into a story and come across with the characters letting it all go. This deserves a star so it gets a star. Heh.

Hey Adam.

The hesitance boomed like a fog horn.

That sharp jaw and soft smile are more than I can take. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school,” I said as I reached the door handle. Pushing it slowly so his parents won’t wake.

We can’t. I can’t.” I get up, not wanting to look at him. Not wanting to see those beautiful eyes accepting me. “I’m sorry.”

“I understand. Not everyone can accept themselves for who they are.” He’s so kind. I want him so much, but my mind is calling the shots now. The Bible is ringing through my skull while my heart is cracking.

That was deep. Very moving.

It makes you see the wrongness of shaming gay lovers. Its wrong to shame them. Its who they are.

"The touch of our lips sent my mind into a primal sate. Our heat overtook the dark room." State?

[i]"Our carnal urges flooding out of every pour and spreading into the stillness of night."[/] Pour = pour water from a bucket. Pore = sweat glands in skin, etc.

Mmm! Steamy! Haha! Very nice. Other than those two mistakes, I don't have anything to complain about. This was very good. The pacing was appropriate, and I love the tension you leave at the end of the story with him leaving. The reader is rooting for love as well. Good job! ^^ Keep writing!

~Yoyo

That was hot hehe :p

No really, great peice of writing there.

You presented the contradicting thoughts and feelings very well i think and the description was awesome.

I didn't find any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors or anything.

Great job

Kadie x

Wow. You did an amazing job at conveying your main character's emotions and I had tears in my eyes when I'd gotten to the end of this piece. Sentimental, I know, but this is very touching.

Don't have anything to complain about.

~Kalliope

I loved it! It was very moving. You have a great gift with telling emotions.

Outside I star walking for home, it’s just a few blocks away and dark enough no one can see me cry.