Every night I crave you
I miss your scent, your touch
Miss your arms around me
Do you miss me much?
You say the words
I don't know what you mean
I wish I knew the thoughts you think
Were those words meant for me?
I look back in the past at us
The beauty that we shared
So much more than a lover
Could you possibly still care?
Do you dream of me at night,
The way I dream of you?
Is it horrible for me to think,
That we're not completely through?
Do you hear the pain laced in my voice,
When I think of moments past?
Do you see how much I need you still,
How I thought that we could last?
I crave you baby, like a drug
Buried deep inside my skin
Please I need to hear you say
That this isn't just the end.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
There should be a forum entitled, 'Cliched poetry' or 'Navel-Gazing'. The poor 'Lyric poetry' forum is clogged with poems about unrequited love and vampires.
I agree. I actually would have liked more imagery, but that could be just me.
You do use a lot of commonly used descriptions, and nothing at all complex. I would like a lot more metaphors and similes - what does this person remind you of, and how can you express that in a poetic way?
There is also a lot more telling than showing, and that makes it boring to read. Even though this is so short, I felt the urge to skim through it. And that's not what you want the reader to do, trust me.
To make it more engaging, you shouldn't navel-gaze so much. Why should I, the reader, care about your problems? Make me feel pity for you; decided what you want the reader to feel and weave words into the poem that would provoke that emotion. You savvy?
This has a faint glimmer of potential. I wish I could be of more help, though. -_-
Happy editing,
Camille
Hmm... nothing really stuck out for me. It seemed to be a bit of a dull read with commonly used bits of imagery in there. Also, try breaking away from that structure of the stanza. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's a little boring when there's no variation.