Published January 4, 2008
Chapter 3: Reunited and Realizations
It was only moments later they reached the door. Ajax broke through it like it wasn’t there. Lexica lay on the floor, her raven hair covered in soot. The cell smelled rank of old blood and decay. A few dead bodies were lain about, apparently her meals.
Lexica tried to reach Ajax the moment the door broke through, but the chains holding her didn’t allow it. Drake was there only seconds after that to break the restraints.
Finally they were in each other’s arms; kissing and holding each other again. Drake felt his own heart swell at the sight. Before he could blink Ajax sank his fangs into her slender neck. She moaned, and Drake waved for the others to leave.
“Ajax, there is time for that later. Let’s take her home.” Drake scolded.
The newly reunited couple fallowed Drake out, slowly they made their way back to the remaining troops. The Ancient stood waiting, “So this is she. Much blood was spilt over you dear, never doubt your families love.” He stated simply before ordering his troops retreat. The Listrepe fallowed in suit.
Drake turned to Gabriel, “if you so much as think about harming one hair on any of my clans heads. I will pay you back in full.”
He left then, taking his well protected clan with him. There were only a little over 100 of them left; but they were Drake’s to protect. And he would, until the bitter end.
****
It was only a few days later when Drake got word from the Tre Don. Ajax, Lexica and himself were all to meet them at the Tre Don mansion in a fort night.
Ajax and Lexica had yet to leave his living quarters when that day finally came; with the exception of feeding, which they did together. He would not leave her side now, not for anything.
Ultimately they had to leave their bed chamber to meet with the Ancient.
Drake by their side. They were greeted much the same as Drake was only a week or so before, by a minion. The three of them were lead down the same corridor that Drake walked down. This time he took his time to admire the art of the place. Every wall carved of granite, the stone shining and glimmering in the soft candle light. Paintings of various era’s lined the walls. One in particular caught his eye, a young girl standing in a Victorian style dress. A vampire cradled her against his chest; there was something about the couple that rang familiar. Drake quickly forgot about it as they kept walking.
Soon they reached the same ballroom Drake had been too, again the entire Tre Don clan surrounded them. All three hit one knee at the same time and exposed their necks.
The Ancient stepped forward then. “Childe, have I taught you nothing, you are welcome here. There is no need for this.”
Drake, Ajax, and Lexica stood. “Lord, have you news?”
The Ancient smiled. “You are my ally now, please call me Raanan. I have news, the Listrepe seers have decoded the prophesy. What they were planning is unheard of.” Raanan paused for a brief second. “According to the prophesy they were going to rip away her mating bond through magical force. And bind her to another.”
Drake’s mind whirled. Take away her mate, and bind her to another. Could they do that? Magic was never something he knew a lot about, it was never something that he had much interest in at all.
Ajax spoke again, “could they do that? Take her from me like that?”
“With the right spell I am sure they could.” Raanan turned to Lexica, “Childe did they mention anything like that to you? Do you know which other they would bind you to?” he asked.
“The only one that spoke to me was Gabriel. At first he was nice, he brought me food. Later he turned cruel, told me he was going to slaughter Ajax. He told me that once Ajax was out of the way I would be his. If I was going to be bound to anyone it would be him.” She explained.
Ajax’s blood boiled. If he ever saw Gabriel again the vamp would be dead. After what he put her through; months of solitary confinement, not to mention he took her from him.
Drake thought a moment, “Raanan, is there any reason she was chosen?”
“Out of lust, Lexica is a perfect specimen. Gabriel runs purely off of his lust, he must have thought he would win her over.”
Ajax was getting angry, “why my girl? She is beautiful there is no doubt about that. But she is mated, and there are other beauties out there.”
“Ajax, calm yourself.” Drake stated. “We will figure all of this out. Gabriel’s heart is as black as coal; it was when he was human. Maybe his hatred has caused this.”
Raanan looked at the three of them very closely, for what reason Drake could not say. “Was there any reason he would have hatred for the three of you?”
“Gabriel has hatred for anyone who isn’t Ve Vin.” Stated Lexica simply.
Raanan sighed. “Well, that is all the information I can give you, I am sorry Childer.”
Drake bowed. “Then if you do not mind, I think Ajax would like to get Lexica back home.”
Raanan nodded and the trio showed themselves out. But before Drake could teleport himself back home the blonde beauty entered his line of vision.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,610 Literary Works • 675,143 Reviews
'lo overeasy,
Before I start, I should mention that I haven't read the other chapters so this might be largely technical but, I will try and improvise. And feel free to PM with any comments, concerns, etc.
just dropping by to give you my two cents
Here we go:)
I think the bolded phrase is a little wordy and can be boiled down to: Drake entered seconds later and broke the restraints. There's nothing wrong with you wrote, I just don't like the 'after that' part, it sounds awkward. You can even just say: Seconds later, Drake entered to break the restraints.
Spelling
Families? More than one? I'm sure because I don't know the backdrop of the story... or is it family's
The 'I' in 'if' should be capitalized
I'm sure you have to spell a number if it's under a hundred but I'm not sure what to do when it's exactly 100
****
1. Since you've already established Drake, you can use a pronoun instead of his name. It'd make it less cumbersome and redundant.
2. The 'by the minion' in the end seems to throw everything out of order. You should mention that they were greeted by the minion and then talk about how it was identical to Drake's experience. {ex: They were greeted by the minion in the same way Drake remembered his encounter with him. <-something like that.}
"This time he took his time": This is too wordy and you use the word 'time' twice in the same sentence which is a big no-no. May suggestion: "This time around he tediously observed..."
First of all, there are tense issues with this sentence. In the first part you use past-tense and then the second part you using -ing, present continuous. Also, the words shine and glimmer are synonyms, so no need to use both in the same sentence, you can alternate when you mention the wall again. My suggestion: Every wall was carved out of granite and the stone glimmered like diamonds in the soft candle light. Hope you don't mind the minor addition, you don't have to use them ^.^
I don't think era's is plural, I think it should just be eras. Again, Drake-->he. I think this part could use more detail, I mean talk about how he felt when he saw the painting besides deja vu. What triggered this? Was it the girl's expression, face?
I know it's important not to give everything away but as readers we don't want vague sentences that don't seem to say anything profound. It makes the character less relatable.
You use 'then' a lot in sentences, it's to signify the next event but it totally unnecessary here.
Prophecy is the actual prediction which is what you're talking about and prophesy is the verb: to predict.
Minor punctuation. I do wanted to comment on Ajax's dialogue, it was almost word for word what Drake was thinking in the previous paragraph. That just makes things rather boring to read. Try to change his dialogue. And, shouldn't he show some emotion. The sentence right now just seems like he's asking a question. Is he anxious, afraid.
vamp? is that allowed? If it is, I apologize -.-; I don't know much about vampires!
You've established that Gabriel did it out of lust. Then you mentioned it again... Remove one of them.
Seems rather whiny to me...I mean, why not? You forge the 'and' or you can just add a semi-colon or a comma.
Ok, in the past three paragraphs, the only thing you've established is: Gabriel has hatred...You repeated it over and over again. I think we need to move on and talk more about him rather than his hatred and lust. It's getting rather bland.
Done! Ok final comments: You seem to be really redundant, Every paragraph seems to be very vague and talk about the same things. Sentences need to be there for a reason, not just thrown in to fill space. And I do apologize if I'm wrong because I haven't read the whole piece but, you do a lot of telling. Besides the small paragraph on the wall and the two sentence with the painting, there was no description. I had no idea where they were (again, it might be because I haven't read the whole thing!)
Many of your characters seem to be distant, I don't feel for any of them. I couldn't see Ajax's sorrow when he learned about his mate's abduction. The characters lack emotion, they don't seem real. I can understand this is third person but, we need to know their personalities more. Also, the dialogue is pretty weak. All of them take turns to say the same things, this is where their personalities should shine. Each of them should say something from their perspective...I must say that you're insight on vampires is great! (probably because I have none whatsoever) You know what you're talking about but, you just need to organize it more and bring it to life rather than telling us about it. Oh and nice chapter title!
Hope this helped
cheers,
--starry