'lo overeasy,
just dropping by to give you my two cents 
Before I start, I should mention that I haven't read the other chapters so this might be largely technical but, I will try and improvise. And feel free to PM with any comments, concerns, etc.
Here we go:)
Lexica tried to reach Ajax the moment the door broke through, but the chains holding her didn’t allow it. Drake was there only seconds after that to break the restraints.
I think the bolded phrase is a little wordy and can be boiled down to: Drake entered seconds later and broke the restraints. There's nothing wrong with you wrote, I just don't like the 'after that' part, it sounds awkward. You can even just say: Seconds later, Drake entered to break the restraints.
“Ajax, there is time for that later. Let’s take her home.” Drake scolded.
The newly reunited couple followed Drake out, slowly they made their way back to the remaining troops.
Spelling
The Ancient stood waiting, “So this is she. Much blood was spilt over you dear, never doubt your families love.” He stated simply before ordering his troops to retreat. The Listrepe fallowed in suit.
Families? More than one? I'm sure because I don't know the backdrop of the story... or is it family's
Drake turned to Gabriel, “ If you so much as think about harming one hair on any of my clans heads. I will pay you back in full.”
The 'I' in 'if' should be capitalized
Then, he left taking his well protected clan with him. There were only a little over 100 of them left; but they were Drake’s to protect. And he would, until the bitter end.
I'm sure you have to spell a number if it's under a hundred but I'm not sure what to do when it's exactly 100
****
Ultimately they had to leave their bed chamber to meet with the Ancient.
Drake This sentence doesn't have a verb: sat? by their side. They were greeted much the same as Drake was only a week or so before, by a minion.
1. Since you've already established Drake, you can use a pronoun instead of his name. It'd make it less cumbersome and redundant.
2. The 'by the minion' in the end seems to throw everything out of order. You should mention that they were greeted by the minion and then talk about how it was identical to Drake's experience. {ex: They were greeted by the minion in the same way Drake remembered his encounter with him. <-something like that.}
The three of them were lead down the same corridor that Drake. {Again, you can just say he} [/b] walked down. This time he took his time to admire the art of the place.
"This time he took his time": This is too wordy and you use the word 'time' twice in the same sentence which is a big no-no. May suggestion: "This time around he tediously observed..."
Every wall carved of granite, the stone shining and glimmering in the soft candle light.
First of all, there are tense issues with this sentence. In the first part you use past-tense and then the second part you using -ing, present continuous. Also, the words shine and glimmer are synonyms, so no need to use both in the same sentence, you can alternate when you mention the wall again. My suggestion: Every wall was carved out of granite and the stone glimmered like diamonds in the soft candle light. Hope you don't mind the minor addition, you don't have to use them ^.^
Paintings of various eras lined the walls. One in particular caught his eye, a young girl standing in a Victorian style dress. A vampire cradled her against his chest; there was something about the couple that rang familiar. Drake quickly forgot about it as they kept walking.
I don't think era's is plural, I think it should just be eras. Again, Drake-->he. I think this part could use more detail, I mean talk about how he felt when he saw the painting besides deja vu. What triggered this? Was it the girl's expression, face?
I know it's important not to give everything away but as readers we don't want vague sentences that don't seem to say anything profound. It makes the character less relatable.
The Ancient stepped forward then. “Childe, have I taught you nothing, you are welcome here. There is no need for this.”
You use 'then' a lot in sentences, it's to signify the next event but it totally unnecessary here.
The Ancient smiled. “You are my ally now, please call me Raanan. I have news, the Listrepe seers have decoded the prophecy. What they were planning is unheard of.” Raanan paused for a brief second. “According to the prophesy they were going to rip away her mating bond through magical force. And bind her to another.”
Prophecy is the actual prediction which is what you're talking about and prophesy is the verb: to predict.
Ajax spoke again, “Could they do that? Take her from me like that?”
Minor punctuation. I do wanted to comment on Ajax's dialogue, it was almost word for word what Drake was thinking in the previous paragraph. That just makes things rather boring to read. Try to change his dialogue. And, shouldn't he show some emotion. The sentence right now just seems like he's asking a question. Is he anxious, afraid.
Ajax’s blood boiled. If he ever saw Gabriel again the vamp would be dead. After what he put her through; months of solitary confinement, not to mention he took her from him.
vamp? is that allowed? If it is, I apologize -.-; I don't know much about vampires!
Drake thought a moment, “Raanan, is there any reason she was chosen?”
“Out of lust, Lexica is a perfect specimen. Gabriel runs purely off of his lust, he must have thought he would win her over.”
You've established that Gabriel did it out of lust. Then you mentioned it again... Remove one of them.
Ajax was getting angry, “Why my girl? She is beautiful and there is no doubt about that. But she is mated, and there are other beauties out there.”
Seems rather whiny to me...I mean, why not? You forge the 'and' or you can just add a semi-colon or a comma.
“Gabriel has hatred for anyone who isn’t Ve Vin.” Stated Lexica simply.
Raanan sighed. “Well, that is all the information I can give you, I am sorry Childer.”
Ok, in the past three paragraphs, the only thing you've established is: Gabriel has hatred...You repeated it over and over again. I think we need to move on and talk more about him rather than his hatred and lust. It's getting rather bland.
Done! Ok final comments: You seem to be really redundant, Every paragraph seems to be very vague and talk about the same things. Sentences need to be there for a reason, not just thrown in to fill space. And I do apologize if I'm wrong because I haven't read the whole piece but, you do a lot of telling. Besides the small paragraph on the wall and the two sentence with the painting, there was no description. I had no idea where they were (again, it might be because I haven't read the whole thing!)
Many of your characters seem to be distant, I don't feel for any of them. I couldn't see Ajax's sorrow when he learned about his mate's abduction. The characters lack emotion, they don't seem real. I can understand this is third person but, we need to know their personalities more. Also, the dialogue is pretty weak. All of them take turns to say the same things, this is where their personalities should shine. Each of them should say something from their perspective...I must say that you're insight on vampires is great! (probably because I have none whatsoever) You know what you're talking about but, you just need to organize it more and bring it to life rather than telling us about it. Oh and nice chapter title!
Hope this helped
Good luck with the rest of it!
cheers,
--starry
Points: 890
Reviews: 55
Donate