Chapter 2: Bloody Battles
Drake returned to his mansion in an instant after he was off the grounds of the Tre Don. Teleportation was one of his favorite vampire traits. He immediately went to Ajax to tell him the news, he deserved to know first. He found his Childe lying on the bed looking as lost as he had since the first day Lexica was abducted.
“Ajax, they will assist us. Come we may need you to help us locate her within their lands.” Drake started pacing the room waiting for Ajax to get himself together.
“Drake, they are getting her back? She is coming home?” Ajax asked in desperation.
“Yes, now I need you to get yourself together. I will be rounding what’s left of our troops together.”
Ajax immediately started rushing around the room preparing to see his lover again.
Drake started going to every eligible fighter he had, explaining the situation to them. They all seemed ready for the battle, ready to have Lexica back home. Soon their mourning would be over.
Ajax was down in the weapons room when Drake found him again.
“Are you ready for this Childe? Can you handle it?” Drake asked him.
Ajax continued to gather every weapon known to injure vampires. Any place he could store something he would. “Drake, I can get Lexica back. Right now if you wanted me too I could do just about anything.” He replied.
Soon Drake stood watching every member of his clan rally together for one last big battle. Within moments they had all teleported themselves outside Ve Vin’s mansion, where the Tre Don were waiting. As well as the Listrepe so it seemed. The Ancient stepped forward to greet him.
“I took it upon myself to call on my ally. They agree that this is a pressing matter. Their profits have found something; they are trying to decode it right now. When I know more I will inform you.”
Drake bowed, “Lord, a thousand thanks will never be enough.”
“Let us get it done.” Replied the Ancient.
The Ancient clapped twice and the Tre Don went into full attack mode. The Listrepe fallowed closely behind them. Drake gave his orders and the battle began. Breaking down the magical barrier was simpler than Drake thought possible, and they were inside.
Ajax charged forward stabbing and slicing his way forward. Drake fallowed in kind. With vengeance on their minds the battle raged on. Blood seemed to swallow the floor in their wake.
The Tre Don were built for fighting, killing everything that came between them and their victory. Drake saw his girl a few times, killing like she was dancing. Her grace in battle amazed him.
Soon the Ve Vin were on their knees bearing their necks. Drake stepped forward. “Where is she?”
Gabriel, leader to the Ve Vin, answered. “In the Dungeons, three floors down.”
Ajax was already on his way, Drake fallowed quickly. He motioned for some to fallow, in case there was an attack on the way down. Flight after flight they continued to run, adrenalin pumping through their blood.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there, OverEasy.
The first thing I noticed was that this chapter is very short. Dangerously short. I know that some novels (in you are indeed hoping to publish this some day) have short chapters, but think of how many pages this would be in a book. But really it's a matter of personal opinion, so I won't lecture you on it. xD
I think you should describe what it's like to use teleportation; use the five senses to help paint a picture in the reader's mind.
In non-fiction, or if teleportation was something that everyone was familiar with in the world, then you wouldn't need to - but as the reader will probably not have heard about it before reading this, it's essential that you provide at least some description of it. You savvy?
Furthermore, I've underlined the second sentence because I don't think the use of a comma after 'news' is grammatically correct - the two ideas aren't properly joined together, making it awkward to read. You should use a semicolon ( ; ) instead.
I've underlined a bit of the third sentence because without any punctuation after 'bed', it has a very rushed feel to it. Like if it were being read aloud, the person reading would speak very fast and somewhat incoherently.
And so, you should insert a comma after 'bed'.
This dialogue struck me as kind of...off. Who actually talks like that? What I mean is, who says 'assist' instead of 'help' and 'locate' instead of 'find' when speaking casually?
Forgive me if this is a trait specific to your world, or Drake's race/culture, though. My complaints may be born from ignorance - so ignore this if you want.
In any event, please keep in mind that punctuation is necessary, even in dialogue. (There should be a comma or a semicolon after 'Come' and 'room'.) ^_^
There should be a comma after 'room'.
Whoa, whoa. Slow down a little!
I think you should take the time to describe Drake's conversation with one of the 'eligible fighters', to make it more interesting, you know? Once again, use the five senses to produce a more vivid mental image.
Again - punctuation is important. There should probably be a comma after 'now'.
As before, you should really slow down and take the time to describe what Drake is seeing. Describe the crowd beneath him, and show us [don't tell us!] what he feels, sees and maybe even what he smells.
I would like more description of the ancient; what does he look like? What is he wearing? How does his voice sound?
For a scene with arcane/fictional events in it - such as breaking down magical barriers - , you should take the time to describe how they did it using metaphors, similes, etc. This is because the reader isn't necessarily familiar with 'magical barriers'.
There needs to be a comma after 'forward'.
Wh00t! Some description here - 'blood swallowing the floor', 'killing like she was dancing'. Excellent; you need more of that in the other parts of the story, too.
I've underlined that sentence because I think you should tell us how they are built for killing/fighting. Describe some physical or mental attributes that give them the upper hand in battle.
There needs to be a comma after 'knees', and 'bearing' should be 'baring'.
I'd like it if you could describe Gabriel a little - describe the plea in his eyes, the desperation in his voice. You know?
'Fallowed' is 'followed'.
Also, in the first sentence I've quoted, replace the comma after 'way' with a semicolon. ^^:
Overall, this is...well, I don't know what to think of it.
It's okay. You have the structure of a good story here, and one patch of really nice description, but I would like more depth.
What I mean is that I would like more metaphors and similes - more imagery. Take the time to describe the events in greater detail, and this will be much better.
I would also appreciate more characterization. If you struggle with that aspect of writing, maybe you should check out the Character development Usergroup. There you can read tips and such.
Anyhow, this is a promising start. Just work on some things, and this'll be great!
Good luck with this! PM me if you edit/post more!
Cheers,
Camille