Published March 5, 2008
Camping Trip
Sunburns as red as cooked lobster
Cold lake water on a hot summer day
Happy dogs play fetch with enthusiastic owners
Giddy children chase each other; playing tag
Jet ski's thunder across the rocky water
Wind whips a young girl’s hair as she rides
An entire family gathers for the first time in a year
They talk of newborn babies and upcoming weddings
Slowly night descends and campfires are built
Laughter echoes as ghost stories are told
The smell of toasted marshmallows, little smokies, and hot dogs
Becomes as potent as fresh bread in a bakery
Children head to cozy sleeping bags in paper-thin tents
Morning comes early, the scent of fresh cooked bacon and eggs
The day is filled with packing; the trip home is long
Sad children hug their cousins,
Good-bye again until next year
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141,455 Literary Works • 674,468 Reviews
really good poetry requires a really good understanding of language. You need to find ways to make words work for you. What words paint an image in your mind? What words slap you across the face? What words are silly, boring, inviting, expressive, etc? You just need to experiment a little and observe how words are used. It will help you to do some reading, and by reading I mean from all kinds of authors.
Read some Shakespeare, then something more modern. Just read, read, read. Then when you feel like you know how you can adequately get your message across with language, have another go. Right now with what you've given me I feel no sort of emotion, and this has no lasting impact on me at all. I'm sure with an idea of this magnitude that's what you want to go for. Don't give up, but just think about it next time before you try again. Good luck!
Very good though!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep on trying.....................................................................
I agree that it does do a bit of telling rather than showing. Perhaps, if you were to take one more line after each of the images you present and expand on them a little. You mention sunburn, perhaps also tell of how mothers had tried to put on sunblock. The girl's hair - what does it look like as it streams out behind her? Tell us how special this outing is, that it only happens once a year. Expand on that and really make us feel happy for these people, that they are together on such a great day.
However, as it is still makes me want to go camping... Marshmellows and little smokies... Mmmm...
Good luck with your writing!
~GryphonFledgling
The only poetic device in this whole poem is "sun burns as red as cooked lobsters". Yes, it's a metaphor, but it is a cliché.
The real big problem with this poem is that all it is doing is telling and it isn't showing. I would suggest a rewrite and more of a focus on using poetic devices (metaphors, imagery, sound devices, what ever) to bring the poem more to life. It's not a horrible poem, but it needs a lot more to be a good poem. Make the image bloom. As it is, there isn't much of an image, or at least not one for anyone to be interested in. Sorry this is a quick critique, but there isn't much else for me to say.
If you have any questions or need help with something I mentioned, feel free to pm me!