A little something I just wrote,
not my best, but atleast I am writing again.
Anyways, I know it needs work, but...
First impressions?
Bleached
Ivory linen waved in my face,
“take this token, from me to you”
(I see what the others don’t).
Though it appears a peace treaty—
this cloth is drenched in blood.
(I see the crimson stains,
though they’ve been bleached away).
It’s waved once, then twice,
the people sigh.
My throat catches on my whispers;
“it’s all a lie… it’s all a lie.”
With tainted smiles, she fools them all.
Her trickery unseen, they bow to her--
kiss her feet. (why am I left observant,
when the rest of them stay blind?)
And with a strangle cry in defeat,
I let her go uncaged. She'll wreck havoc
on the world, and they'll love her
all the way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
First impression: the way one fakes happiness, or any other emotion, just to silence all the annoyingness around them as a result of the opposing emotion. The white flag is waved - "happiness" is found - but really, the emotions are still there... I felt the conflicting feeling of this, from this poem. Like standing in a room in the middle of an argument, at the very moment where one side realizes it's worthless - they might as well fake agreement and get out of the thing. It seemed a little too vague for me to get any other impression from it.
I got thrown off every time on the fourth line because it's in the present tense, and the first line puts me in past tense. It trips me up, so maybe the first line should be "Ivory linen waves" since you spend the rest of the poem in present. This might be just me, though.I really loved the imagery and symbolism of the bloody clothe bleached for a white flag, a sign of piece. It's a strong image - even if I can't link it directly to something outside of the poem. I wasn't a big fan of the varying structure: the narration, the quotes, the asides, if only because the poem is so short so all these different things makes the poem feel clustered. It works, it's just not something I like, so this could be a matter of opinion rather than something actually worth changing. I would say more data is required, from other reviewers, before you go and think of changing it. ^^
I adore the rhyme between sigh/lie - it's not at the end of lines, but it fits perfectly and makes the ending ring.
I'm not too fond of the title though. Even though an Olive Branch is a symbol of piece, your poem focuses more on white flags as if in a war, rather than an olive Branch and dove, which might come from a bible or hippies. (I'm reminded of the scene in Mars Attacks! where the peace group release a dove and it gets fried by the aliens.) I simply think you could find something that either fits in stronger with the actual imagery of the piece, or that helps unlock whatever under meaning I am missing from it.
Not bad at all, really! Just not my kind of poetry.