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Young Writers Society



A Simple Mistake--Chapter Three

by OverEasy


For those that have not read the unedited version as of yet, I suggest you read Chapter Two before embarking on chapter three lol. I thought about eiditing it, tried to edit it, but I think I shall leave that for later...

Onto the story!

The next day I awoke to the feeling of my cell phone vibrating in my pocket, it doubled as my alarm clock. I turned the offensive buzzing off and yawned, checking the time. I stretched lazily on the couch, running my fingers through my hair and grudgingly rolling to my feet. I trudge my way to the bathroom and picked up my tooth brush and started to go to town on my rank morning breath. After a minute or so of vigorous brushing, I stopped and stared into the mirror, my own eyes looking back at me.

Routine… even my own stopped me dead in my tracks. I stood stock still, shocked and bewildered at myself. Even I had gotten caught up in the practice, and I hadn’t even noticed it. I do the same things day in and day out, without stopping to think about what I am even doing.

I pushed the thoughts back for a moment, turning on the shower, hearing the familiar buzzing noise that my water head made. I shrugged out of my clothes, and stepped under the calming cool spray. My hands wove their way through my long chestnut hair, combing through it a few times before lathering it up with shampoo. I repeated the same attentions with conditioner, washed myself off.

It was interesting, every step just happened, most mornings I did it with my eyes closed, reaching for the familiar bottles blind. Often times humming old folk songs I remembered from my years in choir. I stepped from the shower and reached for the towel I kept on the shelf above my toilet, and proceeded to dry myself off. I pulled my work clothes on, blow dried my hair, and put on a touch of make up before heading out the door.

Part of me giggled at my own daily chores. My eyes scanned the lot for my car, and I jiggled the keys in my hand, debating on if I wanted to drive that day or if I wanted to walk. A warm spring breeze pressed upon my cheek, and I slipped the keys back into my shoulder bag. Walking sounded fantastic. The wind picked up slightly about half way there, bringing with it the faint smell of spring flowers and pine. The morning air felt lovely, not to hot, but cool and soothing upon my skin.

My smile widened as the bell chimed above me and I entered into the diner. Several of the morning crowd gave a slight wave to me as I walked by, then something quite unfamiliar caught my eye.

“Benjamin! You’re here awfully early, has anyone served you yet?” I asked pleasantly.

He was drumming his fingers on the table top, a mask of nerves over taking where his normal playful smile should have been. His brow was creased together, and a fine line of sweat shone against the florescent diner lights. “I have been here since it opened this morning.” He said, his eyes not leaving the table where his fingers still drummed nervously.

“Is everything ok—“ I began.

“Vanessa would you—“ he interrupted, finally looking up from the table and meeting my gaze. “Would you like to get coffee with me sometime? That new place opened up just down the street and I heard you talking to Kelly and saying that you quite liked it.” He said it all so fast I could barely hear him, and I couldn’t help the smile and the blush that crossed my cheeks.

“I would really enjoy that Benjamin—wait, you don’t drink coffee?”

He chewed the inside of his cheek. “That’s correct, I don’t drink coffee, but I do drink hot coco, and I am sure they might have some…” his eyes cast downward.

This time the smile lit up my whole face. “I’d love to get coffee with you. I’ll be off work at about three’ o’clock today. Maybe pick me up here?”

He grinned, boyish and manly all at once. “That sounds splendid, I will see you then.”

He turned and walked out the door, I looked down to find my fingers trembling and my heart beat thudding in my ears.

Well there went my whole routine.


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Fri May 01, 2009 2:04 am
Clo wrote a review...



Hey Tiff! After trying way too long to figure out where I had left off with this story, here I am. @_@

---

The next day I awoke to the feeling of my cell phone vibrating in my pocket, it doubled as my alarm clock

Instead of a comma, you would need a semi-colon here -- the sentence is its own, however it further elaborates the idea in the previous sentence. Hence, semi-colon.

I turned the offensive buzzing off and yawned, checking the time. I stretched lazily on the couch, running my fingers through my hair and grudgingly rolling to my feet. I trudge my way to the bathroom and picked up my tooth brush and started to go to town on my rank morning breath. After a minute or so of vigorous brushing, I stopped and stared into the mirror, my own eyes looking back at me.

This paragraph is a little too tell-y. The format is: "I did this, I did this, I did this", so try mixing up the sentence structures and add a little bit of imagery to make the paragraph more diverse and fresh.

It was interesting, every step just happened / most mornings I did it with my eyes closed, reaching for the familiar bottles blind

The part where I added a "/" should either be a semi-colon or a new sentence.

Often times humming old folk songs I remembered from my years in choir.

This sentence is kinda random, and not connected with anything -- not even the shower that's taking place. Elaborate on it and help it fit into the paragraph better by connecting it with the shower or have her muse on it some more.

He was drumming his fingers on the table top, a mask of nerves over taking where his normal playful smile should have been.

Over taking should be one word.

He said it all so fast I could barely hear him, and I couldn’t help the smile and the blush that crossed my cheeks.

“I would really enjoy that Benjamin—wait, you don’t drink coffee?”

In between him asking her and her responding, there should be some emotional response from her -- a thought, a facial reaction, a bodily reaction -- something, to show that the main character has registered this in some deeper way and has thoughts about it. I'm curious what her immediate reaction to this would be! Was she expecting it? Shocked? Let us know.

---

Benjamin is so endearing. <3

Most of my comments are with my nitpicks, and this scene was very short -- I think your pacing is good, and this is moving along nicely. I'm curious as to where it will go, because it has this "Two very nice people -- too good to be true -- something bad is going to happen!" feel, but I have no idea what that bad thing could be, so you have me intrigued. :wink:

I hope this was helpful, PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo




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Fri May 01, 2009 12:48 am
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Jiggity wrote a review...



I stopped and stared into the mirror[s], my own eyes looking back at me. [/s]


Really, dearest? What else would be looking back at you? xD.

Routine… even my own stopped me dead in my tracks.


This is a perplexing sentence, not to mention confusingly constructed. It doesn't appear to be followed through properly. One, routine in itself can't stop you in your tracks - unless that is your routine, to stop, otherwise by its very nature it predicates movement, a following of a process. Also, you have 'even my own' implying there was something before, some integral thought that appears to be missing. I get what you say afterward, the reflection on routine, but it isn't introduced well or clearly here. I don't know how to fix it...I think maybe you should have a thought along the lines of 'I was going through my routine...' cue epiphany.


Also, in that paragraph, get rid of most of those 'even's lol.

The morning air felt lovely, not to hot,


not too hot

a mask of nerves over taking where his normal playful smile should have been.


Icky.

try: He was drumming his fingers on the tabletop, a mask of nerves in place of his normal playful smile.

“I have been here since it opened this morning.” He said


Tiff! June! One of you should have picked this up, tsk. Need I say it?

Nitpicks:

heart beat


heartbeat

[quote]Well there went my whole routine.[quote]

comma after 'Well'

--

So, I just pointed out the technical things there. I can't really comment on characterisation, plot, etc - as for me, this seemed to be just a rather small scene. Your descriptions are really bare though, you might want to consider filling this out a bit. Otherwise, simply done, good stuff.

Cheerio




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Thu Apr 30, 2009 10:28 pm
Juniper wrote a review...



Tiff! Yay! June here!

I totally nearly squeaked when I saw this. :P

Now! Let's review this:


The next day, I awoke to the feeling of my cell phone vibrating in my pocket[s],[/s]; it doubled as my alarm clock.


^_^ Punctuation correction. :P


I trudge my way to the bathroom and picked up my tooth brush and started to go to town on my rank morning breath.


Because this story is being narrated as if it already happened, dear, you want to use trudge in past tense, dear. Trudged is what you need. :)

Routine… even my own stopped me dead in my tracks. I stood stock still, shocked and bewildered at myself. Even I had gotten caught up in the practice, and I hadn’t even noticed it. I do the same things day in and day out, without stopping to think about what I am even doing.


• In the first sentence here, "even my own" raises a bit of confusion, dearie. I think that if you follow own with "routine", you'll be great.

• Also! Even is repeated a lot in this bit, dear. Try to eliminate some of those for good measure.


I repeated the same attentions with conditioner, washed myself off.


Replace that comma with and, girl! :P


It was interesting, every step just happened, ENDmost mornings I did it with my eyes closed, reaching for the familiar bottles [s]blind[/s]. Often [s]times[/s] humming old folk songs I remembered from my years in choir.


So! Where I stuck END, you can end the sentence, dear, replacing that comma with a period. :D And! Eliminate some of these extra words as they pose a bit of confusion.



I stepped from the shower and reached for the towel I kept on the shelf above my toilet, and proceeded to dry myself off.


Too many ands! Replace the first with a comma, dearie.


- * - * -


So!


This chapter was wonderful. I love how you repeated the routinely thoughts mentioned in the previous chapter.

The way that you described Benjamin's emotions here was extremely wonderful. Very accurate and realistic; a flawless description.

The closing of this is brilliant as well-- totally contradicting everything that Vanessa has mentioned beforehand.


:D Wonderful job on this, dear! Gold star. :D

Juniper ;)





Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
— Emily Dickenson