Hey Tiff! After trying way too long to figure out where I had left off with this story, here I am. @_@
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The next day I awoke to the feeling of my cell phone vibrating in my pocket, it doubled as my alarm clock
Instead of a comma, you would need a semi-colon here -- the sentence is its own, however it further elaborates the idea in the previous sentence. Hence, semi-colon.
I turned the offensive buzzing off and yawned, checking the time. I stretched lazily on the couch, running my fingers through my hair and grudgingly rolling to my feet. I trudge my way to the bathroom and picked up my tooth brush and started to go to town on my rank morning breath. After a minute or so of vigorous brushing, I stopped and stared into the mirror, my own eyes looking back at me.
This paragraph is a little too tell-y. The format is: "I did this, I did this, I did this", so try mixing up the sentence structures and add a little bit of imagery to make the paragraph more diverse and fresh.
It was interesting, every step just happened / most mornings I did it with my eyes closed, reaching for the familiar bottles blind
The part where I added a "/" should either be a semi-colon or a new sentence.
Often times humming old folk songs I remembered from my years in choir.
This sentence is kinda random, and not connected with anything -- not even the shower that's taking place. Elaborate on it and help it fit into the paragraph better by connecting it with the shower or have her muse on it some more.
He was drumming his fingers on the table top, a mask of nerves over taking where his normal playful smile should have been.
Over taking should be one word.
He said it all so fast I could barely hear him, and I couldn’t help the smile and the blush that crossed my cheeks.
“I would really enjoy that Benjamin—wait, you don’t drink coffee?”
In between him asking her and her responding, there should be some emotional response from her -- a thought, a facial reaction, a bodily reaction -- something, to show that the main character has registered this in some deeper way and has thoughts about it. I'm curious what her immediate reaction to this would be! Was she expecting it? Shocked? Let us know.
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Benjamin is so endearing. <3
Most of my comments are with my nitpicks, and this scene was very short -- I think your pacing is good, and this is moving along nicely. I'm curious as to where it will go, because it has this "Two very nice people -- too good to be true -- something bad is going to happen!" feel, but I have no idea what that bad thing could be, so you have me intrigued.
I hope this was helpful, PM me if you have questions!
~ Clo
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