Fourteen year old Danny was sitting on the sofa in her living room.She was reading her favorite book Left Out by A.Rogers.The book was about a teenage boy her age named Samuel Dunkin. The book was about how Samuel is always left out by his friends who secretly hate Samuel but remain friends with him,so they don't make him look like he has no friends. Danny felt sorry for poor Samuel. She knew what it was like to feel unliked. Danny had a lot of friends her age and obove.
But they never hangout with her. She even belives they don't like her at all. Hot tears were running down Danny's face as she traced back all those times her friends put her down and never giving her a chance or a reason. Dany hated it! She hated being always left out. But she hated most of all was being an outcast. She laid her head down on her pillow and cried herself to sleep.
The end
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hi Everyone,I know the story it short and It's poorly written. My bad%uD83D%uDE05It's just I'm new here and so I have never posted my stories on writing websites like this one before.But I hope you enjoy my new stories I made yesterday%uD83D%uDE04 Thank you guys!
Starting out with some positives, you seem to have a good idea here, but it was so short that it didn't keep me invested long enough. It seemed your shortness really held you back, and for this to work better but still be as short would have worked much nicer in a poem sort of writing. And there were some grammatical mistakes I noticed, maybe get someone to proofread your works before posting?
There also is the sense of pacing, there isn't much good transition from Danny reading a book to Danny crying about her friends not liking her. You could have added a lot more on this front, or maybe have a flashback to a specific scene where Danny's friends put her down. You can't just say someone was mean in your story and give no example of a character being mean. In fact, just going back to a pure backstory would have worked better without Danny saying how the put her down. It would show us that they were mean, and we could cut to her crying over the bad memory.
Allowing the reader to grasp something from the story is a skill writers struggle with, instead of boringly stating your character is an outcast, give us an example without them saying they're an outcast!
You've got the right idea, and I hope you can come back to this someday and re-write it with better knowledge in mind!
I hope this helped! Never give up writing my dear!
A dramatic short story indeed!
The main review that I wanted to point out here is the shifting of verb tenses. It started with the past tense, and then suddenly we will be in the present. The part where you tell the story about her favorite book should be consistent in present tense; then you should shift back to the past tense when telling the story about Danny. If you'll ask me, I will suggest that you use present tense all through out because I think that our main character, Dany, is still left out up until this moment. Just a suggestion.
The story is really poignant. Is this what you're feeling right now? If it is, then you wrote your feelings in this story pretty well. I hope that you will not always be left out and taken for granted.
Enjoy life!
I think this one would be especially impactful if it were to be a poem. I like how it is short and to the point, but it also lacks a certain sort of flare. You could have added a simile or metaphor. Even a little personification would spice it up a bit. I like how the book she is reading reflects her current plight, but I think you don't have to be blunt about it. Having a hidden message or having the reader INFER the theme is much more concrete than telling them "she is an outcast" or "she is sad."
Keep up the work and remember to work out of your comfort-zone!