Young Writers Society

Hey. I'm also new to scripts so not sure how helpful this will be,

I have a question! Is this speech said out loud or is it a kind of quiet/reflective thing? I get that he's distraught but if he says it all out loud maybe its a little clichee in places? I guess I can't really say that, having never lost a parent.

One thing I would say is that you managed to build up a great picture of this father - you made him really cool and deep but Mark himself, because he's only talking in that distraught way, remains a little shallow. Try expanding some of the memories - put in what Mark did or what he felt, and maybe some more details about the situation he is in now - the size of the house he has to clean, what specific dreams he had before his dad died. Maybe he always wanted to be an engineer or something but he can't now because he has to support his sister? It would make it more heartrending that way, and less predictable, I think .

Still - excellent work .

Nice Script.

haha I'm pretty new at scripts, so bear with me. Hope I can help.

Great idea. I like the concept and enjoyed this very much

I just didn't see any motivation for your character. What's he fighting for? I can kind of see it, but it really needs to be stronger. I really would like to see a lot of emotion here. I really liked how he keeps shifting; crying, smiling, confusion, back to crying, etc. Very realistic idea, but the dialogue is sort of flat.

Well-developed character. Clear storyline. The only other thing I have left to say is, monologues are mostly the person's feelings and broodings. Long stories can kind of bore your audience, unless they've been anticipating the story for a long time, or something important is woven in. This character's dad just died. He would be contemplating death a lot more. Make your audience wonder with him.

Hope I helped! PM me if you have any questions about this at all!

~Vee

No my daddy's still livin.

It just kinda came to me one night.

Is this true, or partly true?

[spoiler]This is a three minute screenplay that I wrote for my friend's dad. It's only the first draft so... yeah.
It looks odd because I pasted it on and didn't have time to fix it. Why? Put the time into making it, and people will take the time to critique it

FADE IN:
EXT. GRAVEYARD –DAY

MARK – about 16, dressed in black suit.

Mark, who is clearly upset, is standing in front of a grave plot which reads, “Loving Husband and Father, Alan Sloan, 1971 – 2008.”

Mark (distraught)

You said you’d always be there for us. You’d always be there to catch us if we fell. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. Mom’s taking it the hardest. She couldn’t stop crying the day we found out. Ann too, she locked herself in her room after we told her. Ben doesn’t show it but I can tell it’s changed him. And me, I’m confused. I’m really going to need you right now.

He begins to weep.

I can’t do all this alone, support the family, keep my grades up, and try to be a perfect role model. Uncle John is no help. He’ll probably wind up begging for more money. Not important.

He wipes his eyes.

Everybody keeps on telling me to try to remember the good times we shared together. My favorite memory of you was when I was seven, I was playing on my little league team. We played our little hearts out but we lost. Of course I was devastated but you came up to me and said:
“Mark, I’m so proud of you.” And I said “Why?”
And you said “Because no body played second base
As well as you did.” Then we went out for ice cream.

He smiles.

We called it our “Nearly had it” celebration. I’ll never forget that, ever. And another time, when I was ten.

(CONTINUED) Is this necessary?
Mark (cont’d)

I had gotten in trouble for something, I don’t remember what for, and I was so mad at you. I was lying on my bed and you came in and started talking to me. I ignored you as best I could but then you turned on the radio and started dancing like a maniac.

He laughs.

The next thing I remember [s]the whole family joined [/s] everyone came in and started dancing with us. Times like that were great. I guess I never really told you how much I appreciated you. Then again, I probably never realized it myself.

His face hardens.

And all of this because some jerk thought he was sober enough to drive himself home! And likely
enough, he’s the one who walks away with out a scratch on him! Moralizing. This is not well inserted and should be alluded to, rather than shoved down the audience's throat.

He pauses.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that. But
it’s hard for me. Ann will be going into high school next year. And I’m not sure how hard Ben is taking this. He’s been acting different lately. I’m going to need to talk to him about it, but I have no idea what I’m going to say.
You’ve been handling this kind of stuff for 16 years. I haven’t done it for one day and I’m already stressing out.

He looks down and lets out a sob.

The doctor said it was instant, that you felt no pain, but how are they supposed to know? Does it hurt? Dying? What runs through your mind, if anything at all? Do you think about all the people your leaving behind?

He takes in a breath.


(CONTINUED) I mean; who else would be talkings?
Mark (cont’d)

Right now, I’ve got a head full of questions, but if you were here to answer only one I would ask you how you managed to be so good at what you did. But I guess I’m just going to have to figure that out along the way.

He turns to look at a woman waiting for him next to a car on the side of the road.

Mark

I’m going to leave now, but before I go I just want to say thank you. Thank you for ice cream after a bad game, thank you for music after being angry, and most of all, thank you for being my dad. I love you.

He leaves the grave, walks up to the woman and hugs her. He looks back at the gravestone for a moment.

Mark

Let’s go mom.

He escorts her to the passenger seat of the car. He takes one last look at the grave.

Mark (whispers)

Goodbye dad.

He gets into the car and drives away.

FADE OUT.[/spoiler]

You're writing is fine, and despite a few kinks the dialogue is nice. For future scripts that you decide to write, please try to do more with it. This is a fairly standard monologue/crying spree. More interesting would have been to have different people giving their perspectives instead of just the one. Also, I was interested at the supremely patriarchal descision to make the eldest son take control of the family. This minimizes the character of the mother to a strange extent, and lessens the realism of the modern day... but again, it isn't sufficently implausible to discount.