When the moon come up
And the stars go down
Awake the heaven's between the earth
For the sun has rosin from its sadly sleep
Things go up
And things go down And when they go
they don't make a single sound
Things come
And things go
But do not be astound
For thee is not dead but
REBORN.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Weather here with a review!
Well I liked the concept you have going on here, I also liked that it could be potentially philosophical. I feel that you need to elaborate or add some detail to enhance this piece even more. It just needs a bit more to give it an even deeper meaning. I felt that the rhyming didn't always flow but for the most part, it was fine.
You have some grammatical errors which I'd like to address.
"When the moon come up"
I assume you meant, Comes, or came whichever tense you intended.
"Awake the heaven's between the earth"
*Heavens.
"For the sun has rosin from its sadly sleep"
*risen. The adverb, sadly does not fit well in this sentence, and the word, "sad", itself is a bit bland to use, I'd suggest using a more effective vocabulary.
"Things go up
And things go down And when they go
they don't make a single sound
Things come
And things go"
I had an issue with the repetition of, "things" but not actually stating what these things may be. I presume you may have wanted a sense of mystery in this? But to create a mysterious mood or atmosphere you should show more and set a tone. Instead of saying "things" you could expand and say what some are without completely revealing everything.
"But do not be astound
For thee is not dead but"
In comparison to the rest of your poem, the phrases, "thee" and "astound" feel out of place with it, it's a bit too formal and using king James English, whereas your other lines use modern English.
Overall a great piece just look over it a bit more. Keep writing! well done. Hope I made more sense that nonsense
--Weather.
Aloha Otto.
Do you know me? x3
Yesh you do.
Review:
First off, I loved this poem.
It just seemed so mysterious and reminded me of crickets chirping and a forest awash in moonlight.
However, like SecreteJournalist said, there are a few grammar and spelling mistakes that can be easily fixed.
Bye bye Otto!
~Cella
P.S. I DID TOO FOLLOW YOU. :3
Hey!(: I'm SecreteJournalist, but do feel free to call me Brie if you please.
[size=150]Suggestions:
For this review I'm going to do something a little different. Instead of making lists of Pro's and Con's like I usually do, I'm going to split this review into several different categories. I hope this helps you improve this poem!
Grammar and Spelling:
For this, I just suggest 'come' should be 'comes'.
I suggest you un-capitalize the 'A' in 'And'.
May I suggest you leave this last line in lower case letters? And the period seems a little unnecessary considering the fact their is no other punctuation in this poem.
Concept:
I will be truthful when I state I had to read through this a few times to grasp the meaning. Thankfully I understand the meaning behind this poem of 'no understanding but can be understood'!(:
My only suggestion is maybe instead of;
Did you mean: 'For the sun has risen from it's saddened sleep" ?
Overall, after reading through this several times, I have learned to enjoy this poem! Though it would be nice if the meaning would be more clear to the reader, I almost think this was an, correct me if I'm wrong, intentional concept poem. Thank you for writing it(: I'd love to read what else your creativity might bring!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie