The Limit of Love <Chapter 1>

The Orange Glow of Dawn

I got out of my car and walked inside. Having just come to the realization that my life was about to change. At that exact moment I didn't feel anything, I didn't want to feel anything. I was just kind of there. I had that feeling you get when you thought everything was about to work out and it just didn't. And it didn't help that it was all my fault that it had happened. I mean don't get me wrong, Im not all to blame. But its how you always feel when you are about to get divorced. All the blame is on you, and how did this happen, and where did I go wrong.

At least, that's all I was thinking about. At the time I didn't want to think about all the things I had said, and the things we had done to get us to this point. It wasn't worth worrying over now. All the things someone doesn't mean to say or meant to say don't matter when it all comes down to it. At the end of the day you stand here and they stand there. And I was standing here by myself. Thinking about was how it all began. Back then, the world didn't matter to us. We were kids, young thirteen year old kids just trying to prove everyone wrong. It's funny how I can remember a day that happened nearly seven years ago and I cant remember what I said or did that made all those years come crashing to a halt.

I remember walking into my Drama class. I know that I had just broken up with yet another girl I thought could have been the one. I don't recall how long it had been before this day, maybe a week or two at the most. Not enough time to even think about getting over someone, but then, you don't actually get over someone you were never in love with. When I walked in, I wore the same ragged clothes I always wore to school. A dull grey jacket that I purposefully wore because it was ugly, and I wanted people to pity me. You know, I was young and felt sorry for myself. At thirteen that's just how it is, you feel sorry for yourself, and everyone else has to too.

Torn jeans, and I hadn't done my hair at all. It fell in the shambles of a mess that I had left it in when I woke up. Maybe I would have cared if I were older, but I wasn't thinking like I was older. The day was so long and boring that by the time I got to Drama class at the end of the day, I didn't care that it was my favorite period of the day. It was the last period of the school day, and the only time I felt like I could be anything I dreamed of. Even though I was dreaming of being sucked into nothing short of a bottomless pit.

My sort of friend Marcus and a girl I kind of knew didn't like me much sat at my table. Her name was May, and she was just like any other girl at the time, nothing special. Not anything special at all. We kind of knew each other, I think she told me I stole her back pack once. Other than that we never hung out, never saw each other. If she wasn't in my Drama class I wouldn't have known she existed. Except today, wearing a simple dress of bright orange and a black jacket with white dots covering it. She had brushed her hair which she usually left up in a pony tail, leaving it trailing down her small shoulders. And as I sat down, she smiled at me. The first time she had ever smiled at me, and I was completely heart struck. At thirteen, I don't think I knew what that phrase meant, heart struck. But it was something I'll never forget.

Through out the next couple of weeks I started to get my spirits up. Turned out she didn't dislike me as much as I once thought, and that she actually liked me. This feeling for her was different from every other girl I had met. May wasn't just a girl anymore, she was more than that. Didn't know what it was at first, and all I remember about it was my buddy Jose saying something to make sure I wasn't just heading for another break up. You know, the best friend way.

"Andrew, you can't be fallin' for every girl you meet."

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm not falling for May."

"Bet you're gonna be here next week saying how much you love her."

"But I ain't so you lose."

"Yeah uh huh. Andrew, next time say that when you are looking at me and not her."

That stopped me flat. Yeah, I guess I had been looking at her. She always sat with her friends across the cafeteria where me and my friends sat. Well ok, me and Jose and our friend Josh sat there. Eighth grade wasn't my year alright, I was friendly enough and everyone thought I was funny. Just not funny enough I guess to actually hang out with or do stuff with. Except for Jose and Josh, everyday we would hang out. Skateboarding, playing games, doing random stuff kids do at thirteen. They both had big dreams.

"Guys, we should start our own skateboard team." Jose smiled as he did another kick flip, something I could never actually get down.

"Sweet, lets do it." me and Josh would agree.

That was just kind of how it was, Jose would come up with something, and me and Josh would just smile and think it was awesome. It wasn't long after I stopped thinking about Jose's awesome ideas, and started to focus on that girl named May. How even though she wore her hair up in a ponytail again, with some faded blue jeans and a plain black shirt, I wanted to see her. I wished she let her hair down so I could brush it behind her ears, and see her in a flowing orange dress again. It was all I could think about, but what could I do. I was thirteen and there was always something about me that drove everyone away eventually. Except Josh and Jose, but they were as immature and crazy about everything as I was. So it worked out.

Everyone else kind of just, let me be you know. I wasn't unpopular by any means. I had school friends, but you know what I'm talking about, school friends, not after school friends. That's what I kind of had, and I saw it forming with May. That only at school crush I never did anything about. So one day, I worked up a lot of courage and asked her if I could walk her home. Which now that I think about it, I should have planned out more, because right when I asked I had forgotten to figure out where she lived exactly. Luckily for me she was in the neighborhood.

She was blushing like crazy, but just nodded and said ok. Ok? My mind racing at that point, what did a nod and just an ok mean? What does it mean to a thirteen year old boy who had been either cheated on or dumped every time he went out with a girl? Well, it meant a lot of things, but she was there at the end of the school day with a saved spot for me on the bus. Josh and Jose were laughing at me the entire way for getting on her bus. But I didn't listen, heart set and hopes high I just wanted to give it my best shot.

"Make sure to hold her hand on the bus, Andrew. She'll think you're gay if you dont."

I knew Jose was joking, but it made sense to me at the time. Why wouldn't she think it if I didn't hold her hand. Only problem, I don't know how to hold her hand. And at thirteen, when you're about to sit down next to your crush, and you think that along with what your friend said. You only think of the worst possible thing. So without thinking about how or why I sat down, wrapped my sweaty clammy hand in hers, and hoped to every God I had heard about in my history class that she didn't let go. And she didn't, and I hope I didn't smile to big.

For the entire forty-five minute bus ride we sat there and held hands. Not moving, not speaking unless spoken to, and staring at the back of the seat in front of us. Awkward I know, but for me it was pretty cool. I didn't have to worry about what I was going to say, or how I acted, cause I just sat there and held her hand. I occasionally looked over at her doing the same thing I was doing, wondering what she was thinking. Again, thirteen, my mind is racing with every possible idea. Of course every time she would look up at me I would quickly look out the window, saying something about what I saw that would give the illusion I knew what I was talking about. Fact was I had no idea where we were, but it was the obvious choice of action to her looking at me while I looked at her.

After the bus pulled to a stop, we got out and walked to her place. Me following into step beside her, staring at her feet, hands in my pockets. I didn't know how to hold her hand while we were walking. Which is weird cause I had held other girls hands before, and this time it just felt wrong to do so. Like if I held her hand the way I did every other girls, it wouldn't mean the same thing. But I followed her up the empty driveway of her house and watched her walk inside.

"Well, see you tomorrow." she said with a voice like she was wanted to either kiss me, or smack me for not kissing her.

"Yup, I'll see you." and I walked away.

I walked down the street until I had walked about fifteen minutes to the very end of it. I stopped, and I know it sounds crazy, but I seriously said to myself; 'Andrew... you are an idiot' and in that moment I knew I was about to change my whole life around. I ran back the length of the street to her house as fast as I could. Which I immediately regretted doing when I knocked on her door because I was covered in sweat. Twice regretting it because, in my haste to get to the door, I didn't think of one thing to say.

"I don't know the way home. Can you show me?" I said, not at all smoothly and stammering so hard I'm surprised she was able to understand.

Yup, I honestly don't know why she smiled and grabbed her jacket. She did though, and there we were walking back down the road towards my house. I knew the way by the way, and I don't know what I was about to do, but we just kept walking.

We talked about something, I don't know what it was. I wasn't focusing on that, my whole being was on the idea of kissing her. How, where, and when, those were my priorities. It had been about twenty minutes before I saw the fence line of my house from across the way. I saw my parents car already parked outside. Which was not good because, I wasn't home and that meant I was late. I still hadn't kissed her though. I hadn't even held her hand, even less understood what we were talking about. I had to hurry, and in a second, I took her down an alleyway. Yes, remembering it now I laugh, but at that exact moment an alleyway with green flowery vines growing on its walls was romantic enough.

"Um, close your eyes I have a surprise for you." I said with an obvious tremble to my voice.

In my head I could hear Jose saying how gay that was that I couldn't even talk to a girl, let alone actually using this pickup line. She did as I asked, and I could see her body tense all over. Was she as nervous and scared as I was? I probably didn't look any better, but she looked so frail I wanted to hold her and keep her safe forever. That was it for me, that idea stuck in my head and still does.

"Hold out your hands."

She did, and after a moment I put my hands in hers and kissed her. Again, unlike every other girl who kissed me back with the vigor of a woman way older than they are, May just kissed me, and it was really nice. Ok, really nice were the words I thought described that kiss then. That kiss was a life changer, and it was wonderful. Just kissing, and I held her hands, and it seemed like a really long time for a few seconds.

"I love you, May."

Wait... Wait what did I just say?

Yeah, that one just kind of came out. I know my parents always said never love a woman until you think she was the right one, and I stuck to it. Wasn't ever going to say it until I thought I was going to get married. Yet here I was saying it like a fool and dreaded saying it. The feeling of having just thrown away everything flitted into my head when she didn't respond right away. Again, thirteen year old mind spinning, I thought to myself, here comes a slap to the face or worse. Every lesson I had learned from other guys saying it to soon, completely out the door. For a second, I really did hate myself.

"I love you, too." Again, completely unexpected, but I remember it like it was yesterday. The same feelings, the same emotions, the same look in our eyes. It's today though, and yesterday is gone no matter how vivid it may seem.

I feel it in my chest as I walk up the stairs of our two story home. I rub away false tears as I take myself to bed. My chest hurts and I need to lie down. Yeah, I remember the day I fell in love, and everyday after that. I remember how my chest hurt then too. Except now, this time the pain is unwelcome. I don't want this swelling in my chest to go any further.

I remember when the best pain in the world was when my heart exploded when she kissed me, and my lungs stopped breathing when I touched her, and my body seemed to melt when I saw her. Laying down to sleep now, I realize that I had thought about that memory all night long. Its two in the morning and I have to wake up early.

"Andrew, deal with it bro she isn't coming back. Rip off this band aid while you still can, and let's go get you a beer."

I laid there with the lights off, for a long time like I have every night. I can still feel her head sliding up to meet the spot just beneath the base of my neck on my chest. The pain is gone for a second before I realize it isn't real. I hold back the tears though, even alone I have to be strong. Just in case she isn't strong enough, I know I have to be strong for the both of us. Why it has to be me, I'll never know. If it were me we would both just be weak and fall back in love. Easier said than done though, and with that fresh in my twenty year old mind, I drift off into another uneasy sleep.