Young Writers Society

This is amazing. Some really great talent. I was mesmerized the whole time. I couldn't take my eyes away from the screen. It holds quite a bit of emotion and I felt a connection to what it was talking about. I am truly impressed with this piece.
"I wanna live,

I don't want to die.

So I'll keep this bullet locked inside the chamber.

'Cause I'll never surrender.

Because sticks and stones can break my bones,

But as long as I walk I'll never walk alone" This is my favorite part. When i read this part in my head it is basically saying keep on knocking me down, I'll just get back up no matter what.

I'm rambling ,sorry.

Happy writing !

-Rebels Scream Silently-

Hey there! I know that this has been posted on here for a while now, but this piece of lyrical work is really good, so I couldn't pass up the opportunity to review this.

Make sure what you made here is copyright protected, cause if some rapper like Eminem or someone like him came out with a new song that had these lyrics that you made here, I wouldn't even think that some guy made the lyrics and posted them On YWS a while back.
Dude, this is great! I can feel the emotions, the anger, the sadness to a T while I read this.
Since you've gave this a good editing since you last posted this I wont say anything about previous punctuation errors.

It's all great! Awesome! Epic!

Good luck with creating more lyrics!

Thank you guys Edited for clarity. If there are weird looking commas to you, I have them there so that I can remember how it is sung. Sorry for any inconvenience there, but glad you all liked it.

Very nice song but just like the review below me Im not a fan with the caps. Also the "'Cause" and because at the beggiging of a sentence makes the lyrics a little weak. Espcially when they are right next to each other. Also the "Cause my demons keep my dreams in- CHAINS" should be rewritten as :
"For my demons keep my dream in chains." the hyphen isnt nessessary.

Try to use more elaborate words to keep your lyrcis different then others. General words listed over and over again make it a little boring.

Hey there, Ossum Great username, by the way.

I'm sorry in advance if this review isn't up to par, but I'm a little bit rusty. I'll try my absolute best, though!

Okay, so. There were minor punctuation errors. For example, the third line says: "I just want somebody to, hold me close and cleanse the pain." Unnecessary comma. If there was meant to be a pause there, I recommend putting the second half on the next line. It just slows it down enough.

I'm not a fan of the all-caps in "CHAINS" and "BLOOD." Considering this is lyrical, are they meant to be screamed or just spoken with more emphasis? Either way, I would suggest using italics. They should get your point across just fine.

"...I don't want to run..." The ellipsis shouldn't be placed in front of the sentence. If you want to make it seem softer than the rest, italics works here as well. Aren't they handy? :p

As for the content--wow. I like the tortured feel to it. And the triumphant part towards the end was nice. I really love the sticks and stones part

I could almost feel the relief coming from the last stanza. My favorite lines: "The pain is fading / There but barely breathing." Very...lyrical, I suppose? Not sure what the right word is, but I like it.

I really enjoyed reading this. It was raw and real and well-written, in my opinion. Keep it up

-StealTheWorld