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The following is part of a fight scene. Both Raphael and Lucius are main characters in my story and I try to write in first-person perspective to convey their feelings, from both the enemies as the heroes side. This scene however makes it tricky because the hero and enemy sides meet. I wrote both parts, hoping to find out which works best. Or maybe both should remain as separate chapters?
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“I expected more from you”, I said on a soft tone as I held my sword upon his throat. Keeping my guard up, prepared for the slightest movement, I stared into his eyes. But to my surprise it wasn't fear I saw. An envious grin formed on his face. “DO IT!”, he yelled. “Take my life if your soul allows you to.”
My body froze as that thought crossed my mind. Am I really doing this? Will I risk that which I hold most dear, for the sake of the kingdom? I'm sure they will understand that I didn't have another choice. Right? Even if he’s his… NO! He brought this fate upon himself. I am merely the tool that carries it out.
My choice was made. As I came back to my senses and braced myself for impact, I was hit over the head with a blunt object and fell to the ground. I could still hear voices but my mind soon blacked out.
A warm ray of sunlight awoke me from my slumber. My body was sore, but it was alive. As I attended my wounds I recollected my memory. I failed my kingdom. I failed my friends. Never, let my guard down…
_
“I expected more from you”, he said with a soft tone as he held his sword upon my throat. I underestimated his skills but I knew this wasn’t the end. I grinned as I saw the determination on his face. “DO IT”, I yelled as I stared him down. “Take my life if your soul allows you to.”
His body froze as the thought crossed his mind. I knew he didn’t have he guts to make the decision, and yet for a moment I feared for my life. I’m no prince. I’m a failure. Anxiously I looked for a way to escape as his body suddenly dropped to the floor. “Milord, are you alright?”
Before me stood one of the soldiers from my battalion. “You are late”, I uttered as I swept the blood from my lips trying to cover up my defeat. “I’m sorry”, he pleaded. “Forgive my ignorance!” But I couldn’t be bothered. I was too exhausted.
As I stumbled towards the entrance of the tunnel the soldier turned it’s attention to the body. “Shall I get rid of your enemy, Milord?” “No”, I replied. “He will suffer something much worse than death.” And that was a promise to myself. The next time our swords clash it’ll be his that comes off worst.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Cool idea, this is only the second time I've seen this done. The short scene left me wanting more, both characters seem strong and brave, I'd like to see them more. One thing though. This sentence:
As I stumbled towards the entrance of the tunnel the soldier turned it’s attention to the body. “Shall I get rid of your enemy, Milord?” “No”, I replied. “He will suffer something much worse than death.” And that was a promise to myself. The next time our swords clash it’ll be his that comes off worst.
Should be broken p like this.
As I stumbled towards the entrance of the tunnel the soldier turned it’s attention to the body.
“Shall I get rid of your enemy, Milord?”
“No”, I replied. “He will suffer something much worse than death.” And that was a promise to myself. The next time our swords clash it’ll be his that comes off worst.
Besides that I loved it. Keep writing!
Thank you for the comments. I've been stuck on my story so I decided to jump a head some chapters, past the battle, and came up with this. After reading it again today I have to admit that I portrayed Lucius' feelings in a wrong way. He is hostile and bitter. Something that didn't come through very well here so I'll work on that.
The reason why he didn't take Raphael's life isn't because he's a coward. Lucius wants to make him suffer by abusing his weakness (that which Raphael holds most dear) and create the same dilemma again in a later chapter. Only this time more will be at stake.
Yes, there is a battle prior to this but I never had a good reference of how a battle is described. So I often avoided it in my stories, while also knowing that at some point the story will need some action. When I find some time I'll read through "A Song of Ice and Fire" again, I'm sure there's a sword fight somewhere.
I hope to post more some day. I was hoping to put everything online, on a blog or something, but I came across several internet disconnections and accidental deletion of pages so I decided to return to the ordinary paper. It's a clutter, but less frustrating that way.
Hey Orion, forgive the blank post below, I'm not used to this tablet. With that said, onto the review.
I'd like to start off by saying that this is very promising stuff ya got here. I'm hoping you're going to put up more because I'd love to review it. As of now I can't say much because well, it's just a snapshot. Anyway, I can offer some criticism with what I see here, so let's get down to it.
Firstly, are they part of a bigger battle? If so, where's the feel of it, y'know what I mean, man? The smell of blood, the neighing of horses, the sickening sound of steel on flesh and so forth? That is what battles are all about yo. This is an outline, there's no meat. Since the battle is not very clear to me, I'm also curious as to how Raphael got knocked out. Like, maybe he was hit by something? That's not right though, Lucious mentions he passes out.
What soldier passes out in the middle of battle? A very poor one. Soldiers do not question what they are doing, they do it. Eventual moral crisis comes only after. Now, I doubt Raphael is an ordinary soldier, but come on. He must have an Old Mentor... who clearly does not teach very well, as Raphael just passed out in a battle. Fortunately Lucious is just as weak and didn't finish him off.
Now, as for nit-picks.
Envious? Of what, pray? Hit up envious on a dictionary. Try another word. Perhaps determined? Bitter? Arrogant?
Line break at the yell. No comma required.
Wat. That completely contradicts his previous manner. Is he courageous, or cowardly? Also, past tense.
Anyway, add meat. This goes for character development and setting. Cheers.
~Ita
Hey Rion!
~ Corrected~Shady here with a review for you this fine evening. c:
~ I'm not sure that envious is the word that you mean to use. Envious means to be jealous of someone. A jealous grin?
Also, each new speaker warrants a new paragraph. Therefore, I would make this bit a new paragraph, and phrase it...
~"Do it!" He shouted, his face twisting into an ugly snarl. "Take my life, if your soul will allow it."~
~ Oh come on. This is the main struggle. Give us...more. Give us more imagery. More raw emotions.
"I froze, my arms locked in place by his icy words, my eyes flicking across his war-splattered face. His brown hair was plastered to the side of his head, his face smeared with dirt, and blood, and gore. I doubted I looked much better.
Why am I doing this? I willed my resolve to stay strong. I couldn't afford for it to falter, not now. Not after all I'd been through, in the name of this godsdamned war. What have I been doing? Why have I risked so much for the kingdom? Why must they ask me to kill this dear friend? Surely they'll understand that I simply cannot-- no. I forced the thoughts from my mind. He brought this fate upon himself. I'm nothing more than the tool Justice chose to carry out her will."
~Now, that was just an example. I know very, very little of either of your characters-- or the situation that they're in. I have no idea if Lucius has brown hair, no idea if they've been engaged in battle for a long time, no idea if they used to be friends-- and, finally, no idea if Raphael is religious or not.
If he is, then 'godsdamned' and referring to 'Justice' as an entity in and of itself probably isn't okay-- especially not if he's got a monotheistic world view. He might not even curse at all. I don't know. But you do, and you could show us a lot about your character in his thoughts and actions right now.
Plus...drama! I adore drama in fiction. Be dramatic in his thoughts and actions, raw emotions, internal conflict! I live off it.
~ No, no, no, no. I can't stress this enough. Imagery is your friend! Show us the story, don't tell us.
"I shook my head, clearing it. I knew what I needed to do. I knew that I needed to do it soon, before my resolve faltered, again. I thrust my sword forward, closing my eyes, dipping my head so that I wouldn't have to watch. I stumbled forward as my sword sailed through open space.
I only barely recovered my balance before I would've fallen flat on my face; and whirled around-- into something blunt and hard, that struck me squarely on the temple. I felt my body crumple to the ground, my vision gone, my hearing only barely hanging on. I heard shouted voices that seemed so close, yet sounded so far away-- before I drifted from consciousness." ~Not my most dazzling specimen, but it gives you the idea of what I mean.
~Lucius~
Okay, Lucius's point of view is nearly exactly the same as Raphael's. Like. Exactly. ~ *lifts eyebrow* Lucius doesn't know what may or may not be crossing Raphael's mind.
Give him a voice of his own!
"I'd underestimated him. That much was obvious, as I stood with the tip of his sword pressed against my throat. I wouldn't soon make the same mistake twice.
"I expected more of you," his voice was barely audible. Weak. I grinned, seeing that same weakness in his eyes. He wouldn't kill me. He didn't even want to, forget having the courage to actually follow through.
"Do it!" I goaded, staring him down. "Take my life, if your soul allows it." "~ See? It's harsher. Colder. More antagonist-ish
~ Okay. I totally missed who would knock him out. Buuut, I'm adaptable. I can go with this.
"His body froze, indecision flashing across his face and clouding his eyes. I smirked. He didn't have it in him. I'd be safe another day. The only thing to wonder was how long it would take, before he backed down and ran away, like he always did.
I stretched my shoulders, watching him, the smirk lingering on my face. His mind was in another world. A world where we were both friends, and I was simply a poor, confused, misled soul that he could save.
Then his expression changed.
His eyes cleared, and a determination like I'd never seen in his before filled them. Whatever mental barrier that kept him from finishing me before was moved. I was no longer safe, at the end of his sword.
I leapt to the side a fraction of a second before he plunged his sword towards my throat. I landed on the ground and rolled to my feet, just seeing him regain his balance. He'd closed his eyes. His weakness the only thing that saved me.
Suddenly, a flash from the woodline beside us, another body hurtled itself into the fight as Raphael whirled around on me. The man darted between us, and, suddenly, Raphael crumpled to the ground, and a soldier I recognized as my own turned toward me. It's about time you got her.
"Are you alright, Milord?"
"You're late." I said crisply, as I fingered the blood on my lips. Nearly late enough to get me skewered on the end of his sword.
"I'm sorry." His gaze dropped. "Please forgive me, sire."
I was too tired to bother with shouting at him. Too disgusted with myself to scold anyone else. Without another word I bent, grabbed my own sword from the dust, and stumbled toward the entrance of the tunnels.
"Shall I dispose of your enemy, Milord?"
I stopped and glanced back at them. Raphael was sprawling across the ground, a sizeable bruise already visible on his head. He wouldn't wake up for a long time to come. "No."
No, you won't get off that easily, Raphael. You've overstepped your boundaries. Grown too cocky. And now you'll answer for it. "No, he will suffer something far worse than death."
I stared at him another long moment, my words hanging in the air. That wasn't a threat. It was a promise. The next time our swords crossed, he would come off considerably worse. Not that he'd be here to know that."
~
Okay! Now that I've wrote a review that's twice the length of your story...xP
You've got some quality material here. That's why I took the time to
hijackpolish your story. As for which you should use, that's difficult to say, since I haven't read the rest of your story and know nothing about it. However, I like both POVs. I'd keep 'em.Hope this helped! If you need any more help or have any questions, don't hesitate to PM or wall me. I'd be happy to chat.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Well, I do love this idea, sharing both the enemy and the hero's perspective of a battle between good and evil, and Lucius's idea of "good" makes the line between good an evil blurry which is a classic literary device and one I enjoy, so good idea on the concept.
I do feel that you can accurately share a characters true emotions with third person very well, and I think it would probably serve you better in this case, not only to help with these two characters meeting (so you don't have reiterate the story twice) but also because it seems to me as warriors, they wouldn't be very willing to show their emotions anyway. Good character development in my mind is shown in the characters actions in a single moment, when they let their guard down and their true emotions are realized.
I do have a comment on the dialogue- just nit picky things really. The quote "Take my life if your soul allows you to" could be better served as "Take my life if your soul allows it." Your choice, I was just offering a suggestion.
Also this does not seem like a full battle, is there a fight scene that takes before this? Overall good job and I wish you the best of luck on your story.