z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Introduction: Slipping Into Abyss

by OrielDoe


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

This story is of many things, what you are being introduced now is one of many. I apologize in advance if my writing does become a bit erratic as the scenes progress. This is the first of one of my continuing stories. Enjoy.

Two large swinging doors open without the slightest sound. Light tappings of small black decently heeled boots touching the hard pavement, broke the soothing silence with an eerie tick. Walking further outsides towards the sidewalks, thick snowflakes speckle the woman’s hair as her warm pale cheeks melt the individual pieces of art. Her delicate short brown hair fell to her sturdy jaw while her grey blue eyes subconsciously drift to the ground, coated in the white blanket before her. The dark red overcoat shielded her from the light wind blows, but the chill itself was not as comforting. A business shoulder bag hung from her shoulder with a dark gloved hand grasping the entwined strap, as if she was holding on to her stability.

Too trapped within the woman’s own mind, it took her a moment to raise her vision towards the beauty she was taking for granted. Upon stopping her dreary steps, footprints stained the path she had laid. A comforting smile rose from her plush lips, taking in the gorgeous morning. Her blue gaze sparkled in delight. Parked street cars lifelessly still with a glorious amounts of the winter wonderland covering their windshields and windows. Although there was a bit of a breeze, the draped trees did not move. The snow must have weighed down their branches quite heavily.

A sense of peaceful contentment warmed her short slender body just before her beckoning thoughts returned to press on with her walk. Continuing to lead her snow ridden journey, her gaze reluctantly departed back towards the ground at hand. The petite female opened her ears to the sounds around her, swearing she could hear snoring from the still sleeping earth. It was as if she was the only human awake to take part in the healing that is mother nature. Another sound peaked her mood, the sounds of her small feet crunching the clumped, frozen blizzard underneath.

The woman’s walk wouldn’t further too much, as she turned to cross the street. Nearing her covered vehicle, she gently took out her keys from the coat pocket upon clicking a button. The doors clicked as they awaitingly unlock. Completing an obstacle through a patch of low tree branches, she passed through unscathed from the possible heavy snow crash. Thankfully, the snow was not on top of layers of ice, as she took a glad sigh of relief before using a free arm to wipe off as much snow as she could with her short stature. Clicking her heels together to free them of as much of the snow she could muster, the woman opened her door to slide herself into the comfortable drivers seat. Immediately turning her keys, cold air blasted unsuspectingly. Gasping as she sat to wait for the heater to warm up, she shook with an uncomfortable shiver. Closing her eyes, she focused on her own energy to keep her warm. Momentarily meditating to heat that active energy, the shivering had stopped.

Driving over the snow was not as challenging as she was dreading. Having only driven in severe weather one other time, her confidence was more assured yet still cautious. Intersection after intersection, her brakes squeaked very unpleasantly while she hushed an apology to the silence that was constantly shattered. Reaching the other side of town, the traffic was rushed as more and more alike adults left for their jobs. Most of them she would constantly see every morning, as she passed down the street to her own job. Opening their doors to the unpredictable measures of the outside world, then to walk to their cars and wait to join the rest of the rush.

Luckily no apparent wrecks could be seen from the busy streets, as the woman had began to turn from the cautious traffic to rest at a tall, single floored, large sized building. A school. The school of Reeves Education Center, to be precise. Entering the parking lot rather early, she slowly parked her vehicle and grabbed the book bag. Letting that same earlier sound of crunching snow greet her happily, a nearby figure made her heart jump into her throat.

“Ms. Oriel?” Spoke the man.

Raising her head to meet his deadly black eyes, she noticed his toned warm skin, and chiseled features with a blush of her cheeks in embarrassment. A hand brushed against her face as a slight chuckle escaped through her lips.

“Why, hello Mr. Rubert. How are you this morning?” Her voice sounded tired and a little rattled from the recent scare.

Dr. Hein was more of a tall, well-built figure, with jet black hair to balance the black from his eyes. He usually wore his heavy grey soft overcoat, and suit and ties to every school day. He takes his job very seriously. The man looked down towards the short coworker with a raised brow, before realizing the situation he caused. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I don’t usually see you here this early. As for your question, I’m doing well as always. Another day, another lesson. How about you this morning?”

They began walking together towards the doors as he unlocked the building. “It’s alright, I was stuck in my own head. I’ve been rather tiresome lately, but I’m hoping today goes well.” That same mood of depression rose within her mood, like the same she had woken up with. Life wasn’t a challenge anymore, at times she would wish for anything to drift her away from the same daily routines. A hidden chaotic insanity dwelled within the locks of her mind, knocking at the doors of her mind to be explored. As a teacher, she was the student's stability. If she fell, her little children would follow close behind her.

The doctor stared at her with a curious intensity. He could visibly see her distress while this woman’s thoughts roamed wildly. Stopping in his tracks, a strong hand carefully touched her shoulder to help wake her from her trance. “Diana..?”

Stopping with him, his voice broke through the abyss as her lifeless grey gaze wandered to the man beside her. Narrowing her eyes towards his concerned expression, she blinked remembering that she had drifted off into somewhere dark. The recesses of her mind calmed and fled from her consciousness further and further as he continued to distract her.

“Is something wrong?” She asked curiously. Her eyes beginning to return to their vibrant blue hue. His warm hand against her shoulder, her body tensed as she wasn’t used to such human interactions.

“Diana, you worry me. I’m a doctor, after all. I try not to give people a health analysis, but I can see that there is some mental issues rising. I hope you’re aren’t fighting this on your own, and if you need assistance in finding the right thing for you, I’ll be in my office.” Removing his grasp from her, she continued to share that covered face claiming that everything was alright.

Giving a small smile in gratitude, Diana looked to the ground in contemplation before rising with that same foolish smile. “Thank you, Rubert. I’ll be sure to visit.” With that, they part their ways, to head to two different parts of the school.

The school was split into different sections, or halls. The school catered to children from the ages of kindergarten, all the way to 12th graders. The community was rather large, but not so much as to be overly crowded. Having been built to be a privileged school system, there were uniforms to attend to as well as strict conduct and behavior. When she was offered the job through her roaming resume from different school board employers, she didn’t expect to be put in such high esteem and into such a widely popular school system.

The classroom greeted her with little children art works scrawled along every blank space of the pale walls. A few bits of pieces needed to be taken down to make more room, but that wasn’t on her to-do-list for today. Thankfully every teachers classroom wasn’t as strict as the rest of the building, especially for the younger students. Closing the door behind her, she waltzed to her generic desk as she laid the book bag below towards her feet. Diana removed her heavy jacket to show a nicely warm, blue, long sleeve shirt, followed by a fitted pair of simple jeans. Draping the coat over the comfortably cushioned chair, she took her seat. Removing a deep breath, her body seemed to collapse at the release. Placing her hands on the desk, she let her head gracely fall to rest against the flesh of her skin.

The silence of her thoughts provoked the tempting demons, as Diana was struggling to keep her composure. Why was she losing control of something so hidden? How was she letting her sanity slip from her grasp? … Unanswered question after the other swirled dangerously through her whole body. The warm temperature of her bodice grew hotter and hotter as a more demented mindset attempts to seize her. For a moment or two, she desperately wanted to cry until it became impossible to cry anymore. The frightened orbs of her eyes started to threaten with tears. Opening them to gain some sort of ground, the familiar school bell rang through the halls. Instinctively throwing her head to the sight of the door, she rose that same defensive wall that shielded her personal life from becoming open. What time is it? How had the school already opened? How much time did I just spend? Smoothing out her outfit, she forced back the tears to stand and open the door for her excitedly awaiting children.

Diana opened her apartment door as the darkened front room welcomed her back home. Dreading the loneliness that awaited, she frustratingly plopped the bag onto the plush couch. A war battled itself deep, and she was beginning to let that battle rage on and on. Remembering that pit of iced peace this morning, she removed her outside over garments to put them away. Making her way to the small kitchen, she popped a chicken and noodle easy-cook package into the microwave. Opening the fridge, she didn’t keep very much of her things cold. Not having the healthiest of lifestyles, as long as it kept her alive she was fine with it. Sighing at the lack of alcohol, Diana grabbed her last bottle of red wine. Pouring the lovely colored liquid into a found glass, the microwave beeped as the package was ready to eat.

Drifting back towards the living room, she brought her computer towards her lap to search through netflix for some well needed comedy. Diana didn’t own a T.V, simply because she doesn’t care much for cable T.V. Taking a well deserved gulp of her drink, she sat back to wait for the food to cool while she started to watch a comedy movie known as ‘Ted.’ Bits of food and wine entered her stomach, as she laughed and remained shocked at certain scenes of the film. The movie ended as she stood to toss the dirty dishes in the sink before retiring to her room. Prolonging a shower until tomorrow, she dressed herself in pj’s and sank to sleep upon her comfortable sheets. Turning off the lights, she let her eyes close to the freedom of sleep.

Visions of spotted blood trickled its way to her dream. Standing on the street, she watched as people passed on from street to street with no visible faces. To what would be their faces, only left black skin. Women, men, and children walked in groups. Diana stood in the middle of the street, noticing a fiery blackness covered the sky. She gawked at the confusion unsure of what to do. Looking down,a puddle formed beneath her feet. Blood. Growing ever around her, she gawked at the pool in horror. Worried that she was bleeding to death, she looked at any possible injuries yet found none. Not knowing who this blood belonged to, she quickly stepped out of it, only for another pool of blood to form. Horrifically looking at her surroundings for a bit of help, the families that walked laid sprawled out on the pavement dead. Some bodies were in awkwardly painful positions, while others were just lifelessly covered in their own blood. A sense of the smell began to choke her breathing. What the hell is happening?! Who did this? Putting her hands to her head in panic, her fingers were sharp and wet. Glancing at that reality she saw her fingers were no longer fingers, they were long, slender, blade like points covered in the ruby liquid. A sight of her eyes began to come into view, like that of watching a character from a movie. The once blue color, started to shift and change. Even the pupils had become incredibly dilated. The tone of the eye grew harsh, almost angry although she felt less than mad. To what was once blue, turned to that of a dark purple. Screaming a demonic screech as if from a tortured animal, the dream ended with Diana rising from her bed to continue the startled scream.

Deep heaving breaths, sweating, and a shaking heart was what she awoke to. Stillness. Diana sat there wide eyes as streaming tears rolled down her cold cheeks. Throwing the blankets off of her, she unstably rose from her bed to maker her way to the bathroom. Scared to look in the mirror, she felt her fingers to be their normal form, but she didn’t dare look at her eyes. They felt alright, but her current state was shaken and didn’t want to risk that reality. Using her hands to splash cold water to her face, she remembered visions of the murdered ones from her dream. Unable to keep the thoughts and strength at bay, she drastically sank to the floor and let herself ball in mourning for such a vivid nightmare. Curling herself into a ball, she could feel her body grow weak with restlessness. Feeling her heart slow, her eyelids grew heavier and heavier before closing into a very deep sleep. A sleep where dreams seemed impossible.

The next day had come and gone while Diana still slept in the bathroom, with the light still burning. The night was upon the world, as her heavy eyes struggled to open. Rubbing at her eyes, the light was unbearably bright and she couldn’t stand it anymore. Attempting to use the toilet to help her stand, she found little to no strength left within her arms. Thinking her natural blood sugars must be too low, she crawled to the sink as she took a better control with her legs. Pushing herself up, she unconsciously looked in the mirror. Not thinking anything of it at first, she looked at her eyes with a pounding reassurance. Her eyes had not been that awful purple, but instead were their usual blue-grey hues. Sighing a sigh of needed relief, she used the door as stability while making her way out towards her bedroom. The eerie feel of her home began to haunt her. Something seemed out of place, and it began to be increasingly disturbing. Once she got to her living room the knock at her door didn’t startle her as loud noises usually would have.

“Ms. Oriel. Diana…? Diana are you in there?” A familiar male tone of voice gave her comfort while she grudgingly reached for the door knob. Slowly opening, streams of bright light from the halls brought her to instinctively cover her eyes. Unable to see just who was at her door, she could guess as she gazed at the bottom of his grey coat.

He stood there worried seeing as she must have woken up from the look of her clothes. Stepping closer, he reached out his hand knowing that Diana couldn’t see that he was trying to console her. “...Diana, may I come in?” His voice was rushed as his breathing was deep and hurried as well as if he’d ran to see her.

Stepping away from the door, she closed it behind him as she took down her wall of a hand to peer at him with wide eyes. “Rubert..?” She steadied herself against a chair as she obviously noticed her instability.

“I.. I didn’t see you at school this morning, and I tried to call you many times but you didn’t answer.. Did you just wake up?” Seeing her state of exhaustion, he began to feel guilty that he hadn’t come sooner.

Groaning at his concerns for her, a familiar sense of frustration flew to her well-being. “I’m alright, Rubert. And yes, I’ve just gotten up. What time is it?” Still unsure of the time of day, she just assumed it was still in the middle of the night. She must not have slept for very long..

Her friend continued to step closer to her as his eyes stayed transfixed on hers. “.. It’s 5 o'clock in the evening. Don’t lie to me if you aren’t really alright. Anyway, I worried about you because I usually see you at lunch in the lobby. I saw an emergency substitute for your classroom, so I thought you went home sick. From how I saw you yesterday, I wanted to make sure you were at least fairing well enough.”

Surprised that she had slept for so long Diana got distracted as her hand slipped she thought she would fall from her lack of standing ability, but Rubert had caught her arms just in time. Helping to pull her up, he held on to her tightly. Tightly enough for her to use him to lean on, but not tightly enough to hurt hurt her. Raising her head to greet his stare, she furrowed her brows and attempted to push him away from her. “Please Rubert, let go of me. I want to be alone, I had a terrible night. I’m not in the mood to be open and about. Just please.” Rushing her voice as well, she pushed a bit harder but to no avail. Rubert wasn’t going to let go.

The room was silent, as he saw how she refused to look at him. The walls that were usually there to protect her from moments like this, were no longer serving her a purpose. Angry with the lack of control of her mental state, as well as her emotions, drove her to a self shame. She wasn’t fond of sharing these kinds of traumas with others, this was her problem and her problem alone. If she couldn’t deal with it, then she would have to admit that she isn’t strong enough. She would admit defeat, and collapse along with what’s left of her psych. Perhaps it was childish, but then again, that opinion didn’t matter at the moment.

One of his arms had released her to gently guide her chin. His features were just as concerned, and more. “Now I know there is something wrong.. I want to help you with whatever is gnawing at you. I will not leave here until you at least tell me what’s going on. I care about you, alright?” Moving his arm from her chin, she would continue to look at him weakly before wrapping his thick arms around her bodice in a compassionate embrace.

Diana wasn’t used to being touchy, and stiffened for a moment before letting the hug surround her. Lightly putting her arms to his chest, she could hear his soft, hurried heart beat. Releasing the hug to take a seat on the couch, he joined at her side. Curling into his stability, she yearned to have that feeling again. The power to be in control. The grasp of reassurance, hope, and freedom. Her strength was slowly returning at the form of emotional adrenaline, but she needed some sustenance.

As if reading her mind, he rose from their spot as he made his way to what he thought to be the kitchen. Searching through the cupboards, he found some lunch meat and crackers, and grabbed some water from the faucet. Taking momentarily glances to Diana, he didn’t stray from his worries, but she did need a shoulder to cry on. If he wasn’t stable, it would do either of them any good. Back to the living room, he removed his coat and suit jacket to rest them aside. Wrapping his arm around her, he gave her the food and drink as she gratefully took the new energy.

The warmth that he was giving off was enough to warm her own body, as he continued to console her fragile figure. “Now tell me… What’s been going on lately? Last week you seemed quite ‘perky’ if I must say.”

Refraining to take a bite of cheese to respond, she drifts her eyes to the floor. “I’m afraid I’m losing my mind… Just last night, I had a horrible dream with blood, death.. “ She stopped as a recollection of what she was becoming frightened her.

“Everything is okay, just remember it was just a nightmare. Nothing more. It has no hold over you.”

Nodding, she looked at her hands thinking they could shift into those horrible points at any moment. Diana hesitantly began telling the story of her vivid visions. Rubert looked away to contemplate the scenes and situation she was giving him. Oddly, he had had a similar dream just a few months before hers. A creepy sense of deja vu sent his eyes to shoot wide with suspicion. Upon finishing her tale, he looked at her as if genuinely confused.

“Don’t you understand?” She spoke curiously. Sensing that he couldn’t see what she was laying out.

“No, no. I understand.. It’s just that I think I’ve seen that same thing before.”

Taken aback, she questioned further. “What do you mean? Perhaps you mean something like it..” Her voice trailed as he abruptly cut her off.

“No, I mean.. Everything that you’ve described, I’ve seen as myself in that same dream. Everything! The blood, the sudden deaths, the scream, the fear.. Everything.”

Unsure of what to say next, they just sit with each other. “But I’m being tormented. I don’t think you’ve changed.” Diana spoke hopelessly.

“Maybe it’s different perceptions. You’ve been in a very hard place lately, while I’ve been in my normal state of being. Only after the dream did I have mental strain. But I quickly recovered..” Pondering why they would of had this dream, she shook her head not sure either.

Thinking more and more, a few tears escaped as they fell to her lap. He noticed her leakage and brought her closer in his arms. Diana needed to release what she’s been through. Hiding her emotions were tough enough. Having the tears pour for the second time this week, he pulled her head to his shoulder as she cried through the rest of the night.


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766 Reviews


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Wed Mar 23, 2016 7:09 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there OrielDoe. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. I came across your piece in the green room a couple of time but I never read it. Now I have returned to review this chapter and get it out of the green room. You're already halfway there but there is still a long journey to come. I better get started and cut the chit chat. Be warned, this is where the real review begins.

2. Before I get onto talking about the actual plot line, there are a couple of places where the wording is a bit rough that you may want to take a look at.

Too trapped within the woman’s own mind, it took her a moment to raise her vision towards the beauty she was taking for granted.

I had to read this a couple of times before I understood what you were trying to say. I don't know a better way to word it but with the current wording it is extremely confusing. I'm afraid if I tried my own version I would mess it up.

There was another spot that I thought could use a little bit of work.
“Please Rubert, let go of me. I want to be alone, I had a terrible night. I’m not in the mood to be open and about. Just please.”

-I think at that comma between "alone" and "I", a period should be placed instead. Those statements seem like something that a person would pause or hesitate a couple of seconds before saying. What I mean is she fabricating and excuse, making it up as went along. She wasn't really thinking about so she probably would have hesitated more in between words. It's just a more realistic situation than the current one.


3. I do have quite a few questions about your choice of character names and a few other things.
-I don't ever remember hearing the name "Rubert". I am remember Rupert and Robert. So I just wanted to ask where the name came from. Was there a specific book or movie or something that made an impression?

4. When I found a horror story in the green room, I was slightly happy. After I finished, I was not. This was intended as the first chapter from a novel but now it looks like a romance novel. You packed way too much of your plot into your first chapter. After a while it just became too much and I couldn't take it anymore. I would hope in your next chapter it stuck more to the horror genre but then again my definition of horror differs from others. See I don't consider things like Chucky horror. Horror to me has is allowed to have some romantic subplot but it can't take over everything. This was overall a good story you just overdid some of Diana's dreams and reactions.

5. Well that's about all I have for this review. I am glad to see another piece making its merry way out of the green room. Sorry if I couldn't offer anymore advice. If you have any questions about this review please PM me.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy: Queen of the Book Clubs




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Sun Feb 14, 2016 1:52 am
pdavinci wrote a review...



Hey, pdavinci here to review you work.

I saw the title of your work and became intrigued, it sounded very interesting. It also had no reviews so I thought I would go ahead and do one for you.

In my opinion, I think this is a very nice work. You did well describing the setting and how the character was feeling. I was attached to her to see what would happen. I am also a huge fan of dreams and thoughts in literary work, so this was right up my alley.

However, I do have a few problems. It's never really explained why she is going through this. We see no build up to this nor any resolution. I'm not sure whther this is just a chapter in a series of stories around the same characters or if this is just one story of of several similar ones.

Next, it sort of abruptly closes, not sure if this is going anywhere, but I would like to find out whether the whole event was resolved or if she eventually gave in.

Finally, are you going to ever elaborate why both characters had the same dream? I think the story would have worked without that detail if this is all that's ever going to be mentioned of these characters. But that one detail made me think there was more around this issue, leaving me at the end of the piece with more questions than answers.

There are also a several grammatical issues I want to address.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I sort of have an issue with this description "Light tappings of small black decently heeled boots touching the hard pavement..." I felt like you were over descriptive here as the analysis of these boots sort of threw off the sentence a bit.

"Walking further outsides towards the sidewalks" Do you mean outside and sidewalk?

"The dark red overcoat shielded her from the light wind blows, but the chill itself was not as comforting." You may want to change this to the "blow of the light wind".

"Too trapped within the woman’s own mind" You can just say her.

"Parked street cars lifelessly still with a glorious amounts of the winter wonderland covering their windshields and windows" I think you are missing a verb or some other piece of grammar from this sentence. I see where you are going, but to others it could be a confusing mess.

"the traffic was rushed as more and more alike adults left for their jobs" I think you can remove alike as it sort of sticks out.

"to rest at a tall, single floored, large sized building. A school." Put a colon right before "a school" instead of a period.

"Why, hello Mr. Rubert. How are you this morning...Dr. Hein was more of a tall, well-built figure" I am guessing Mr. Rubert and Dr. Hein are the same person, but you may want to keep the name as one of the other.

"Stopping in his tracks, a strong hand carefully touched her shoulder to help wake her from her trance." You may want to say his strong hand otherwise it you could be talking about another character.

"Removing a deep breath, her body seemed to collapse at the release." Releasing is probably better here than removing.

"Unanswered question after the other swirled dangerously through her whole body." Could you please explain this sentence, it makes no sense.

In conclusion, I think you did well with this work. It just needs a bit more explanation and some corrections. I would be interested to see where this story goes as well. Take care and keep writing!

-pdavinci

*EDIT* Just saw that the title of this said Introduction. So there will be more of this. Ignore everything I said about wondering if the story continues.





Always do what you are afraid to do.
— E. Lockhart, We Were Liars