Published August 24, 2010
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Just a few words of encouragement
Wow, you're an amazing writer! You did a great job, keep up the good work!
Hola , OneSun, me llama lily! I’m definitely not in Spanish class or anything.
Anyways, I was going to review this.
So right off the bat, I wanted to point out just a few little nitpicks.
So, I keep wondering to myself, is it the demon day and the light glowing. Or is the demon daylight glowing. I think day and light should probably just be one word.
‘the’ seems like a funky word here because it makes the subject seem very disconnected. If that was the effect that you were going for, then that is great. But if you’re trying to make it seem more together and more personal, try using ‘my.’
Right now, I think you just have a poem filled with some wonderful description, which isn’t terrible. You need description to have a good poem. But that’s really all that this is right now. Poems, just like in prose, need to tell some sort of story. I think, because you don’t have much description of Black, or much of a plot, you aren’t giving us any story to feel connected to.
Anyways, that’s my two cent. Hope I could help a little but if you have any questions, feel free to PM me whenever.
~lilymoore
Hey OneSun!
One thing I really think you can do with this poem is to describe Black more. At first I thought it was a person, then I thought it was the darkness, but you described darkness as separate to Black, so I am confused! It seems weird for you to be addressing to Black, yet only referring to Black (outside of the address) with "fear grips thee." So work on that! Let's see some characterization here. Once you get that down, the rest of the poem will be much smoother.
Good luck!