Swift as the night, I ran, not once looking over my shoulder. It wasn’t in my nature to look back, even when being hunted. My heart raced, and my lungs heaved for oxygen. I felt a burning in my calves, which gradually heated my entire frame like ice descending over a lake. Fumbling, my legs toppled over the other and I was sent hurtling to the ground. Whether I was hurt or not, I couldn’t tell nor did I care to find out, for as soon as I had made contact with the stoney pathway, I sprang to my feet and took off at a sprint.
Normally I was very athletic and could outdistance most adults, but after what I’d just done I couldn’t seem to direct my attention on just one thing. I was so disoriented that were it not for the adrenaline still pulsing through my veins, I may not have been able to run at all.
Great flakes of snow fell about me in a scattered frenzy. And all about me a blue haze distorted my vision. I had only to follow the narrow path; I had to get out of the city. The frosty night air gave way to a chilly wind that encircled my petite body in a frigid volley of snow and ice. There was a silent pounding of footsteps behind me. My pursuer could not have been more than a fifty paces back and gaining. I had anticipated that someone might come after me, word would eventually get out about the limp body in one of the upper apartments. However, I had not anticipated anyone to be after me so soon nor had I expected anyone to know what I had been doing. No one other than myself and three others knew. Could this have been one of those three? Not likely, they had asked me to do it. They asked people to do this sort of thing all of the time. My best bet was that they had set me up as a way of convicting me, but for what purpose, I could not guess. It was as if my pursuer had been following me and watching my every move all night, waiting for me to run.
My fiery auburn hair flew on the wild currents of the air, encircling my slender figure in a sea of deep red. I was sheathed in black robes. Fingerless gloves offered me a small degree of warmth and padded boots muffled my steps. Within the folds of my garments was a concealed dagger, it however would not be a match for the far deadlier weapons my pursuer would undoubtedly possess.
As I tarred around a corner at a frantic pace, I caught a fleeting glimpse of my pursuer. Around their waist was a large buckle and scabbard for a sword. The sword was tightly grasped in their hand and a cowl shielded their eyes from mine in a rim of darkness. Sharp points studded their wrist bands and hooked knifes tipped the end of their tall black boots. The clothing was worn loosely so I unable to give my enemy a gender, but I also noticed a second sword protruding from a sheath on their back. All this I learned from a single glance, though had I been in my right mind, I would have seen the insignia on their wrist as well. So on I ran, dodging obstructions and taking sharp turns so as to throw off the shadow following me.
Click the link below for "The Assassin - Chapter 1 - Part 2"
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139,547 Literary Works • 672,606 Reviews
Wow super good, I can't wait to read the next part. You are really good at making the moment tense and exiting. Thumbs up!
This piece shows of your descriptive skill but what starts off as a rather high tempo opening in a chase scene is unfortunately sated by constant narration. It almost brings the chase down to a walk, and it wasn't until the final line that I felt like the narrator was off and running again.
One thing i noticed was your use of a very paradoxical simile.
I understand you mean the heat gradually covered your body like the ice gradually covers the lake, but instead what you've done is say that heat is like ice, which it isn't. I think this would be better if you just focused on a build up of heat, sweat, his robes clinging to his body and then perhaps speak of the cool night that he was running in. This provides more contrast and develops a feeling of heat and discomfort.
Keeping the pursuer anonymous for now, I think, is a good idea, but I think being vague about what the narrator has done isn't. If he has killed someone, just say it! Let it be a bit of a shock to readers that the main character they will followthrough this story has just murdered another person! You reveal enough to let someone guess he has killed but this makes the sheer fact quite anti-climatic. Unless you plan on revealing his position as an assassin immediately anyway.
I liked this piece and I'm pretty sure I have part 2 open in a tab here somewhere, so expect a review on that too! All the best and Happy New Year.
Thanks for pointing that out! I completely forgot to fix it. I'll keep that in mind, I really appreciate your input. Happy New Year to you too!
Ha ha! I knew I'd seen this around before. Glad to see someone has the courage to repost things. (I'm terrible about that)
Anyways... Let me be blunt: it's wordy. Since this seems like it should be very action-oriented and suspenseful, I would use shorter sentences and watch for words that people don't use. (I wouldn't use 'tarred' if I were talking. And quite frankly, I would skip a lot of the adjectives describing her movement.)
And there are a few clean-up mistakes... If you didn't read the story aloud, I would suggest it because that helps to clear up awkward clauses and wordiness.
Um... Other than that, there isn't much to complain about. Great job hiding the pursuer's gender and using 'they' as the pronoun. I have a hard time with that, so I figured I'd compliment you.
You have a spectacular vocabulary, just don't use it all up at once! Save some new words for later so we can savor them all.
I like the added suspense from the last time too. We see less background, and it really adds to the excitement.
That's it! Ciao!
Haha, thanks, I appreciate it! It's funny because when I read someone else's work I can tell when they are being wordy, but for myself, it's a completely different matter.