---
Sagrá’s arms flew to his defense, “You ask too much from me, Cassius,” he pointed to the target of his words, Cassius Conlon, “Your services are not worth 20,000 credits."
Even seated in a cheap booth, Cassius Conlon was huge. When standing, he was around 6’ tall, but it was his bulk that drew the most attention. Conlon rested his rough face into his right hand as he instinctively stroked his maple-colored stubble. He sat back into the booth, shaking his shaggy hair out of his eyes, when he began speaking, “Sagrá,” he began calmly, almost comfortably, “have I ever not delivered?"
The vendor’s face flooded with too many emotions to count. His eyes squinted for a fraction of a second before retracting and widening; he also bit his lip before raising his voice, “Don't!” he realized his tone and retracted into a whisper, “Don’t even start-"
Conlon smiled and raised his hands before shrugging. His tone was respectful but almost patronizing, “It’s a fairly simple question. My crew has made eleven runs for your buyers. Now,” he sat forward, “have we ever not delivered?"
For around sixteen seconds, silence was the Captain’s only response. Finally the bartender nodded, “No."
Conlon smiled, “No,” he stretched his arms behind his head languidly, “Now, you’re transporting eighteen containers you don’t want inspected or filed or both,” he pointed at the vendor, “You know that’s what the Gridlock does. We’ve made eleven runs for you and delivered every time, so my only question is: what are you worried about?"
Sagrá began to speak when the Captain interrupted him, “Oh, hold on. I just want to clear up my position. I’m only charging 1,000 credits a container plus a 2,000 running fee. Now, you know that the Gridlock cannot be stopped without direct approval because its a military vessel flying under a military Captain, and anyone who can stop it knows me or owes me. Therefore, you’re flying eighteen containers with zero risk for 20,000 when you know that your payout will be much larger."
Letting loose a weighty sigh, Sagrá tried his best to persuade the hulking man, “M-my backer can’t afford for anything to go missing or for any tampering. You’re asking for a huge sum of money that could prove to be a most painful loss if you don’t deliver. You must understand; you only fly with all the money upfront, and this is,” he stressed the last word, “the largest payout we’ve ever hired you for. I’m sure you can understand our fears. Not to mention, what happens if you get hijacked?"
The Captain sat still, analyzing every statement. He smiled wryly, “Hijacked? Sagrá, I’ve got two, well… maybe four words for you," Victory shone on his broad face when he learned forward, “Jimmy Wynaut.” Sagrá attempted to speak when Conlon cut him off yet again with a held up finger and his gruff voice, “Kira Bridget. Now, you know these two. You know the cargo will be safe.
“Back to your question regarding the payout. The Gridlock crew has flown for more than thrice your payout for different buyers. We’ve never failed a transport, never lost cargo, and never not delivered. We’re payed what we’re worth, and your cargo is worth 20,000 to me and my crew. 20,000 credits for eighteen unmarked containers across three sectors," they sat motionless before Conlon started again, "Make up your mind soon, because we can dance around in circles all you like. I’d rather make a decision and get going; I do have places to be,” he concluded his logical rant by crashing his left arm on the table, more for effect than the audible boom his metal forearm gauntlet made as it struck the wood.
Nodding to himself, Sagrá sat otherwise still. Still deliberating with himself, he locked eyes with the Captain across from him. He loosed a weighty sigh, “Alright Cassius, I’ll bite."
Conlon nodded, “Great, so-"
“Hold up, Captain,” Sagrá held up a finger and gave a few seconds dramatic silence, “I’ll bite if you allow one of our guys to oversee the cargo to ensure the delivery. For all you care, he can sleep with the cargo"
For the first time, Conlon paused. It was clear to both parties he wanted this haul, so Sagrá decided to see how far he could push Conlon.
Conlon shook his head, “No deal. The Gridlock flies solo; we don’t let anybody on board we don’t know."
Sagrá’s lips twisted into a smile, “Come on, Captain. We’ll pay all 20,000 upfront, as per your requirements, so long as our guy, William Millard, flies with the cargo. He’ll just be there to ensure safe delivery of the cargo, not to interfere with anything on board. He’s a maintenance man, not a soldier or spy. We’ll send you all of his credentials if you accept."
The Captain made an effort not to show his temptation, resisting the urge to squint his eyes or bite his lip. He exhaled, knowing he had lost, “20,000, 4 days, no Millard."
“20,000, 4 days, Millard," Sagrá countered.
Conlon gritted his teeth as he turned around and waved at the figure near the door. The man wasn't quite as tall as Conlon, though they had their fair share of height contests growing up. His piecey, sandy-blonde hair fell to around his neck, with his bangs brushed back. He had thick facial hair that hugged his face. His slacks were a light khaki, and his shirt was bright white. The outline of his nanomesh armor was visible through his shirt. He wore a heavy satchel-bag slung diagonally over his person, testing in his left hip.
He strutted up to the two. He speech was quick and smooth albeit with a high resonance, “What’s the deal?"
With a quick glance at the vendor, Conlon leaned into the man's vicinity, “We fly eighteen containers across 3 sectors over four days for 20,000 credits. However, there’s a catch."
He smiled as he clapped his friend on the back, “I’d be disappointed if there wasn’t.
“We take a new member onboard for the duration of the transport. He’s apparently maintenance, not military."
The man's grimace was hard to miss, “I don’t buy it for a second. Cassius, you know we can’t take anybody new onboard. You know the security risks of carrying unknown cargo with a tail, and you know that the crew won’t take these risks too well."
“Joseph, it’s four days for 20,000 credits."
“Captain, I realize that, but I don’t believe having an unknown member on board will do anything but hinder us."
“I understand your apprehension, but we could really use this haul. If we can convince Jimmy, we'll be fine. This is a good payout, and if it entails tagging along with a tail, I can live with it.”
The other man began to muster another argument when Cassius, forcing a smile, turned back to the vendor and reignited the conversation, “So, when do we fly?”
The vendor leaned forward, enthralled with his response, “Loading is in eight hours. I’ll send you the location along with our Mr. Millard’s credentials and records. Now,” he clapped his hands loudly, “we are familiar with your crew. Is there anybody new on board? Your previous crew consisted of yourself," he gestured to the man to the Captain's right, "your first mate McKinley, Ms. Arrios, Dr. Francis, Ms. Mason, Officer Bridget, and the Wynaut brothers, of course. Anyone new?"
Conlon sat back again; sitting still did not come easy to him, and he loosed a weighted sigh, “Nope, the crew is the same, but with a greater number of scrapes and bruises. And we have a new tag-along named William Millard," he spoke the name sarcastically, stressing the vowels.
“Yes,” Sagrá rose to his feet with a grunt, “I suppose you do,” he reached out quickly for Conlon’s hand, “I’ll see you in eight hours?"
Conlon lifted his head to meet the vendor’s eyes and extended his own hand, swallowing Sagrá’s in his, and gave a firm shake. Conlon surprised the vendor, however, by using the handshake to pull himself to his feet, almost pulling the man over. As he stood to his fullest, overshadowing the small man, he whispered, “If your Millard isn’t maintenance, I’ll shoot him out of an airlock myself. So, you’d better send us some convincing records."
The vendor nodded to himself, still smiling, “I’ll take you at your word, Captain. See you soon,” he turned around and walked towards the door opposite the two. McKinley glared at his childhood friend, “I’ll get Hailey looking into Millard. We’ll see if any information changes between now and his arrival."
Conlon smiled, “Thanks Joseph. Get the ship ready,” he glanced to his right, “I’ve got a tail to cut off."
Joseph frowned, “Millard?"
“No,” he shook his head, “The guy near the door has been seated there since we came in. Now, notice his table."
He smirked, “No food or drink."
“Exactly. Head back to the Gridlock, and I’ll make sure he won’t follow anybody out of here."
McKinley nodded and exhaled show lowly, seemingly swallowing a statement. He turned and began walking to the front door, followed by Conlon.
At this point, the man seated by the door glanced up and got his first full view of the Captain. The 6’ man was very bulky, his muscles rippling against his black military slacks and shirt. If somebody didn’t know him. they’d probably think he was genetically bred, not naturally birthed. He wore a dark brown overcoat, buttoned from mid-chest downwards to his waist where it opened and spread downwards, ending near his mid-shin. He had long, shaggy brown hair, albeit a lighter brown than his coat, and very orderly stubble which was noticeable, but thin. His eyes were forest green, easily suiting his look.
The Captain walked up to the table by the door, McKinley had already exited, and sat in the chair he pulled out. As he sat, the chair squealed under his weight, but the crack sounded much louder as he slammed his left arm on the table, easily rallying the man’s attention. His left arm was coated by a metal gauntlet forged from the hull of an old ship presumably, as it showed significant battering and burns. The biggest giveaway was the letter on it. The gauntlet had a huge letter, “G” on it.
Conlon gave a throaty cough and smiled, “You waiting for someone?"
---
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello Tulip here to give you a review today on your chapter!
Okay, first thing I want to say is that we don't see the environment that are in described at all. It can be showed as if they were talking over the noise, or when they were getting up, if they were walking through a crowd of peole.
I almost lost my interest in just the first paragraph because nothing jumped at me. It felt like here was supposed to be something there before it. So just jumping into he chapter like that made it harder for me.
I'd also suggest making a distinguished difference between your characters, so they are not named at the very start of your chaoter. You want to get them know them instead of having them thrust into your face.
I didn't see anything wrong in the means of grammar or spelling. I will suggest that you separate the dialogue from the rest of the paragraph. This will clear up what is happening.
I hope it helps you!
Keep calm and write on,
Tulip
Heya!
A few in-line stuffs:
Some punctuation here - the first three commas should be full stops, and "he" should be capitalised.
Also, beginning with Sagra lead me to assume that he was the protagonist and we would be following him, but it becomes clear quite quickly that Conlon is actually the character to watch. It's your choice, but maybe consider starting with Conlon, so he's established straightaway as someone important. You could even begin with the line "Even seated in a cheap booth, Cassius Conlon was huge", as it's a pretty cool line and a neat intro.
I get what the meaning is here, but the adjective makes it sound like the cheapness of the booth has something to do with his size.
There is a LOT of detail here - we see his expression, what his eyes are doing, what his mouth is doing, what his voice is doing. We don't really need all this, and especially not so soon in the chapter. We've been put down in the middle of a situation, so what we're really interested in is what's going to happen next, not what a character who we don't even know yet is doing with his lips.
I'm a bit confused with all these titles. There's the captain, the vendor, the bartender - who is who?
Tbh, this made me zone out a little. This could be just me, though - what draws me into a story is always the characters first, and the plot second.
All your characters are male, so these could mean anyone.
-
Hi!
This was a pretty good opening chapter - you immediately dive into an interesting situation, but there's enough information so we don't get lost, and there's the question of what's going to happen next on the run, and what the deal with Millard is. You've got a lot going on, but we don't get lost, so well done on that.
What would make this even more impactful, though, is to go a step further from not getting lost, and take us right into the world of the story. They're in an inn or pub, right? But that's not really clear right away, and it seems like they could be anywhere. What you need is some real sensory detail - the smell of cooking food and spilled drinks, the odours of alien bodies pressing in from the crowded tables, the strains of music coming from the bar entertainment, maybe the roar of traffic from outside. Are people smoking? Are people swearing in foreign languages? I don't have a good idea of what your world setting is like so far, but this is the perfect opportunity to show us where this story is taking place. You describe the characters, but let us see the surroundings as well, so we can really sink into the atmosphere of the place.
Leading on from that, I would suggest picking a character and sinking in their head as well. I'm guessing Conlon is your main man, or at least one of them, so why not choose him? Go right into his head and show us what he's thinking and feeling. Even in third person, we need to have a focaliser character, one who we follow and root for. They're our grounding fixture in the story, the one whose eyes we see through.
Final thing - your punctuation is a bit shaky, especially with dialogue. See here:
When you have a tag (like "he said" or "she said"), you end the dialogue with a comma and begin the tag with a small letter. However, in a situation like this, when you go straight into an action, you end the dialogue with a full stop and begin the action with a capital.
So - punctuation, character emotions and focus, and sensory environment detail.
Toodles!
-twit