Young Writers Society

Hi there! Lyrical Rebel here to review your work.
This is a very powerful poem, reflecting the reality of other girls' life. It is somewhat dark and morbid but that's what makes it beautiful and unique. It's not just a story of one girl but the life of many others changed by the chaotic and forceful world. Girls like that aren't just affected by the worsening world but also by the decisions of their parents. A lot of them skips childhood quickly so as to face the hardships of life earlier than they should. When a girl grows up like that, her ways would be to hide in a mask of rigidity or to have the opportunity to stand out and learn to live the fun way which they had not the time for. Those things that drifted them from the righteous path are their escape from the pain of reality. Am I right? Hehe
All in all, the rhyming was perfect, the narration was awesome and the whole concept was astounding. You've captured my lyrical self I can't think of a better adjective to describe your piece of work. You did an awesome job! I love your poem! I hope to read more of your work later.

Hi there! Lyrical Rebel here to review your work.
This is a very powerful poem, reflecting the reality of other girls' life. It is somewhat dark and morbid but that's what makes it beautiful and unique. It's not just a story of one girl but the life of many others changed by the chaotic and forceful world. Girls like that aren't just affected by the worsening world but also by the decisions of their parents. A lot of them skips childhood quickly so as to face the hardships of life earlier than they should. When a girl grows up like that, her ways would be to hide in a mask of rigidity or to have the opportunity to stand out and learn to live the fun way which they had not the time for. Those things that drifted them from the righteous path are their escape from the pain of reality. Am I right? Hehe
All in all, the rhyming was perfect, the narration was awesome and the whole concept was astounding. You've captured my lyrical self I can't think of a better adjective to describe your piece of work. You did an awesome job! I love your poem! I hope to read more of your work later.

This was a very good poem...very sad too. I honestly was not expecting the ending to turn out like that. It was a surprising turn that she had something bad happen to her in that pass. This poem is also good because it shows how labels, while seemingly valid, describe a person who is a certain way, even if they may not be acting that way intentionally. There is something more, usually, to a person if she seems like a whore like, in this case, a traumatizing experience.

My only suggestion would to make the poem flow a little more. It seems rather choppy and the lines do not seem to be equall to one another in terms of lyrical flow. But then again, me saying that probably only stems from the fact that, when I write poetry, I do lyrical ballads. Still, this was an incredibly deep and frightening poem. Keep up the good work.

It almost made me wonder if, perhaps, some of this stems from personal, forehand experience with either you or a friend. Labels, indeed, do hurt. There is usually something more to a person, which affects the way he or she behaves.

Hello, I'm EmoChikXoX!

Well I got to say.. this is a rather good poem. It's very, very straight forward.. which is a good thing. I like how you have gone through this girls life in small snippets, it makes the poem more intriguing. It gives you little glimpses of her true life and not this "whore" that stand there. (I don't know if any of that made any sense xD)

It's also quite hard to write a poem about this topic, so I would like to congratulate you on doing a pretty good job on it. Your poem was enlightening in a way.. I think that it shows you, what I take as bullying, can do to an innocent person.

I think your a great writer/poet! Keep posting!

And again, well done!

~EmoChikXoX

I really like this, it reads like a song, although;

// "Trusting got her nowhere, the lying only hurt
So she emptied out her feelings, threw her heart into the dirt."

Isn't as strong as the rest of the poem. You could have put;

// "Trusting was no use to her, foul play upon her heart
So she emptied out her feelings, for being soulless is an art."

That's just my opinion but I hope I have helped

Brilliant. The rhyming is so clever, and sexy. This poem really speaks the truth, because no girl is just a slut because she is a slut. There is always a reason.

The last line was a tight conclusion to the poem, I loved it. Good work.

Favorite line; "Soon she'll find herself choking on some young man's tongue"

it was just a smart line.

This was very lyrical! I actually read it like a rap in my head. I think if you played with the placement of the stanzas, you could have a nice style going. The rhymes were all good too, they weren't distracting or forced.

Now about the story line. I think you did nice incorporating imagery and tone. One thing that caught my attention was this:

'Traumatic experiences line her past'.

I think you should elaborate on this. The only reason is because I still don't feel much emotion towards this girl. if the readers get to know her better, they may be more responsive towards the piece.

I really liked this. keep writing and have a good evening!

Now is is the definition of the common behavior in America. (I'm just going off of accurate information here.)
Anyway, this poem is the absolute truth. The title matches the content. The rhyme isn't overused, missused, or neglected. This poem is a masterpiece all on its own, and it truly shows your knowledge out in the field of the world. Perfect. That's the only word that can accurately discribe your poem.
As for what needs improvement:
Punctuation. The poem is fine without it, but it's not grammatically correct to write a poem without it. That's seems to be all. Everything else seems to be fine, in fact, I'm sure it is perfect.
Keep up the good work.
~The dark one.

I loved that last line so much for some reason.

YWS botches up the formatting sometimes....there isn't really much you can do about that.

Whoa. This is haunting, yet innovative and beautiful. It leaves you with feelings of remorse for the girl that everyone treated wrong. Also, the rhyme scheme was realistic and fit the plot. I really liked all of the lines. I was expecting something a bit different-perhaps longer. But I was satisfied with what I read. I liked how you explained the girl's scenario all without being to blatant or too vague. The lines about her emptying out her feelings and the first and last line were my favorite. I don't know why this has no reviews! I certainly like it.

To close, I must say you deserve two thumbs up for this. Well done.

This was divided into stanzas, but for some reason, whenever I submit it the site erases them.