Young Writers Society

I love this. It is a bit rambling as others have said, but I love their two coping mechanisms for pain echoing against each other along with the weather, the metaphor for it carries consistently through your poem which is what really helped me follow the story. Its like an inner soliloquy of the main character, who is listening to the depressing thoughts as inclement weather and then when they find someone who suffers like them and needs an outlet for it they find a small bubble of inner sunshine, peace. It is sad at the end how you realize what a crushing depression they have and how it makes them so sensitive to other people and not wanting them to have to go through it as well. Not bearing to be able to look at it because it means admitting the truth about themselves, wanting the person to be strong again because they built themselves up off that persons supposed strength, and now feel lost knowing that person hurts inside as well. Pain truly makes people kind. Its very true to reality.

Hey.
Umaima here to review your submission.

First of all nice poem, well done. There was a meaning in this poem and the word usage was not bad. Now coming to the flaws... The poem was nice as I said but there were some places where my interest drifted away.

The starting took my interest as I could enjoy the structure but in the middle the poem fluctuated. I would recommend you to either use Rhythm throughout your poem or make it nonrhythmic but make sure it is good enough for anyone to read. You can Bling or Google about Rhythmic structures or how it works and learn about it. It's not that hard.

Now coming to the grammar. The whole poem was dipped in grammatical mistake I would say. There were no punctuation except for the inverted commas, this is very important in a poem. It not bad that you didn't notice it, (believe me my first poem had such blunders too) but I guess that's what reviews are for, to show you where you are wrong and where you aren't...Anyways I will punctuate a stanza from your poem for you, to show you how it done (Though I think you already know)

"I wrap my arms around you,
like a cast,
Healing your broken heart,
Signing it,
You will get through this,
You have too!"

Without punctuation it's no fun to read a poem. It looks incomplete.

Then I would like you not to repeat words until it looks good in it. There was unnecessary repetition I would say which only made the poem get a drawback.

Though I would say that this is quiet good. But If you concentrate on your mistakes I bet you will grow into an amazing writer! And yes whatever I mentioned were just suggestions. It's on you whether to take it or leave it.

Hope this helped you! keep writing and best of luck for your next work

Hi..!! I'm not so good at poetry, so I'll give a very brief review.

The poem is absolutely beautiful..!!!! And the vocabulary and words used by you just make it more exciting and intriguing.
I am not a big fan of long poems, but this one was certainly an exception.

Hi Olivia, welcome to YWS! Love the poem as a whole, I'm a fan of longish poems.

Review: Although the beggining imagery and description of the rain, and the drunkeness helps connect the beggining to the end to come full circle it's a little distracting from the awesome middle part. There's alot of emotion and meaning just oozing out of the middle and I love the short dramatic lines you use to get the point across. But, like I said, I feel like the first 4 stanzas could maybe be condensed to one or two and would hold the readers attention more, and not distract from the rest of the poem.

The 6th stanza is really great, I can understand and feel the shock and hurt they're both feeling by those "faded red slices".

Some more critiques:
Some of the language in your poem is a little over used and plain sounding. For instance at the begining you describe the boy as "nice", the word "nice" doesn't really tell me anything at all about the person, who they are, what these people's relationship or history is, it's one of those dead adjectives. It'd be more interesting if you added a few more lines with some descriptive, unique words that build more imagery or figurative language. Of course, not EVERY line needs to be like that, because that can distract from the message/story you're trying to relate to the reader, but just a few lines could be amped up.

My absolute favorite part of the poem is
"I wrap my arms around you
like a cast
Healing your broken heart
Signing it"

Such an original and poignant metaphor for an embrace to be compared to a cast over a broken heart, it actually made me say, "ahhhh!!"

In my opinion some of the super long lines could be broken up, so that all the lines have less than 5 words in them, just to make it more uniform. Also I think it detracts a little to have so many stand alone one word lines in the last stanza, it just doesn't add to put "But" on a line all by itself. But, then again that's just my opinion, and I actually liked that you put "It" "Always" and "Rains" all on seperate lines.

My only other criticism/suggestion would be that "Because if you can't stop, what hope do I have" might be better formatted:

"Because if you can't stop
what hope
do I have"

without it all capitalized, because it breaks up the poem to randomly have only one line with all capitalizations. Although, I understand if you keep it all capitalized because it is a dramatic point in the piece.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poem, and I look forward to reading more of your work! You are a very talented and if you have any questions about YWS don't hesitate to ask!

Keep posting,
~alli-y~

So much love and sadness. I liked it. It was long but it was worth it.
reminds me of a poem i wrote before. a long time go.

though i was disappointed it didn't rhyme but i am a sucker for the classic shakespear stuff nd the highwayman.
my fav. part was
" I feel your breathing slow
And I know you are asleep
I put you down
Your eyes are closed
You have a smile on your face like I've never seen
Relieved
Contented
Gracious
The most real smile I've ever seen"


keep it up

Hello! Sarah here to review.

First off, I'd like to welcome you to YWS! This community is very helpful and has a bunch of activities and events for writers! If you ever need a review or advice, just shoot me a message.

Now, onto the poem. This poem really struck home with me, because something similar happened in my life recently. I think you have some really wise and honest lines in here, and the rain metaphor is perfect. Seriously. That ending gave me chills.

I don't have much critique for this poem, because it really touched me. Congrats. That doesn't happen often. But I'll see if I can offer you some nitpicks:

1.) The line organization was a bit funny. As a previous reviewer pointed out, some of the long lines seemed out of place. Now, if this is slam poetry meant to be read aloud, I get it. But read silently, it's easy to trip up on the odd phrases and loose the rhythm.

2.) Again, someone already pointed this out, but descriptive words will MAKE this piece. Really and truly. Not words like "sunnier" or even "brighter"...words that create the tone and atmosphere. Thesaurus.com always helps.

Well good luck and I hope this helps! You are a talented writer and I look forward to seeing more from you.

EDIT: I just read this aloud and almost cried. Reading it silently does not do it justice.

Wow, this is a long poem. And to be honest, I didn't read it all the way through. Shorting it some would be an important improvement. I loved the theme though, very amazing. But there are some problems with your grammar and your formatting. Now, I noticed you were new, so please don't take this to heart. The whole point of this website is to help you improve. Okay, first thing is first, other than shortening it, this line got to me

"If it weren't for me you'd be out there in the world with the rain on your skin"

See, compared to all your other lines in that stanza, this one is too long and looks messy and out of place, try cutting it down into smaller pieces like this:

"If it weren't for me
your'd be out there in the world
with the rain on your skin"

See? Looks cleaner right? And one of the other things I noticed was that you used the word "sunnier" in the first stanza, try to use a more descriptive word, like "brighter". It would really help. I hope you take my advice and don't take any of it to heart in a bad way, I know I did the first time I posted. Hope to see more work from you!

This is really beautiful. You use such wonderful language and the message is so powerful it made me want to cry. You are an amazing writer, and I don't really know what to say to critique this. I guess I'll leave that to people who have more experience at reviewing than I do. Seriously, though, excellent job!