To My Mother

This was very cool. Great job! It was beautifully written.

Hello! I am honored that you would ask me to review this marvelous piece. *bows in deference*

This is such a strong and powerful piece, full of emotion. I'll go through stanza by stanza and give feedback on each, okay?

1st Stanza:
This flows very well, and I think it's a great way to start off your poem.

2nd Stanza:
Great imagery here, but I'm not sure if it adds to the poem or not.

"A pair of fluttered wings
formed inside of my eyes"

I think that 'fluttered' should be 'fluttering'; even though you are writing in past tense, this is modifying the wings, so it should be a gerund (end in -ing). But, moving on. I'm not sure what the wings are supposed to represent. Panic? Angel's wings, indicating that something (their love) has died? It might just be that because my parents never divorced that it doesn't connect with me. I think the last two lines are perfect, though. It expresses the innocence of the child very well, which, as the poem progresses, seems to fade.

3rd Stanza:
Great imagery! I get the feeling that it's an autumn day, possibly very cold. This just seems to add to the theme of the poem.

4th Stanza:
I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I do get the feeling that she's very important to you, even though not all goes well with her. I think you got your meaning across!

5th Stanza:
Powerful. Nicely done.

6th Stanza:
As Gaurav mentioned, this one doesn't quite flow with the rest of the poem. I think it would work if you split it into two stanzas just after 'Money', but leaving the rest as is. But, take away the punctuation after 'like'. So,

"Words like
Separation
Divorce
Cheat
Money

They join hands, construct a suit of armor.
Joints connected...."

I think that works a bit better, and really emphasizes the importance of those words.

7th Stanza:
Again, I think this delivers the message well, even though the exact meaning is unclear (to me).

8th Stanza:
Very powerful. I think that there should be a comma after "am" in the first line, and perhaps change the comma after "me" in the last line to a semi-colon or a dash. Just one thing, though;

"The armor that she wears
is not to protect me..."

From a mature viewpoint, no armor worn by person A can ever protect person B, so that should be obvious. On the other hand, this is written from a child's perspective; it could be taken that the child is now realizing that his mother is not all he thought her to be. I think that it doesn't need to be changed, but you should consider it and the message you were trying to convey with those lines.

9th Stanza:
You start off with 'This artist' after a stanza talking about yourself. Is the artist yourself, or going back to your mother? If the latter is so, perhaps you should change it to 'The artist', since you've only mentioned one in the poem. Other than that, it's a great conveyance of the message of your mother becoming more absent.

10th Stanza:
Ah, the grand finale; and it IS grand! Very well done; I think this is the perfect way to end it. You wrap things up, emphasizing how the child has lost the innocence that everything goes perfectly.

Overall:
As I said before, this is a very well-written poem. It's not often you see the topic of divorce portrayed in an artistic manner. I think you've nailed it. You, my friend, are an incredible writer. Thank you for bringing me to this piece!

Keep it up! ^_^

~Ongoeslife

So touching!

Hi there, Gaurav here for a review. I have to admit that the short synopsis itself grabbed my attention. The poem is artistic, realistic and hits the point beautifully.

At seven years of age,
while we waited for trains to pass,
you mentioned that my aunt and uncle
had love that could never last.

A pair of fluttered wings
formed inside of my eyes
as I faced you with my pink blushed face,
"Is your love with dad a lie?"

Words like,
Separation
Divorce
Cheat
Money
They join hands, construct a suit of armor.
Joints connected, iron blades of dusk
Splitting my skin, liquid resembling rust.