z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Timekeeper - 1 - Travel & Trees

by OliveDreams


1

Travel & Trees

“You know, Horry, there’s only so many times you can show a boy how to brew a decent cup of tea before you lose the will to live entirely,” snapped Old Murray Quinn.

“Yes, Sir,” mumbled Horry, staring at the moonlight skimming his shoes. “Sorry, Sir.”

Old Murray Quinn sighed and ran his fingers through his wispy, grey hair. He often pondered how on Earth this useless boy had fallen into his possession. Perhaps he was becoming soft in his old age. He chuckled under his breath. Not likely.

“How many times? Call me Quinn. And check again for those scrolls in the bags. I distinctly remember giving them to you to pack! I also distinctly remember telling you that there would be murder to pay if they were forgotten!”

Quinn watched Horry scuttle away to their two horses who were grazing quietly under a crooked apple tree. They had been traveling for six full days and were nearing their destination of Red Tower Keep in the city of Harandale. Quinn was bracing himself for the daily hustle and bustle of the nation’s capital. It had been a long time since he had lived in such close proximity to so many people. He was hoping to find a dark and dingy room within the keep that would match his personality nicely. The boy could do as he pleased.

Until now, Quinn had decided to keep his reasons for traveling to Harandale close to his chest. He didn’t need young Horry shouting off his business to any Tom, Dick and Harry on the way. The boy’s inability to keep a secret was quite astonishing to say the least.

Horry almost fell into Quinn’s lap with excitement when he had finally located the scrolls. Rubbing his face with clumsy embarrassment, Horry dropped onto his knees at the campfire. Quinn knew he was hoping for any tidbits of information he could scrounge. He supposed that now was as good as any to teach the boy a bit about what they were letting themselves in for.

Quinn hovered over the pack of scrolls and then carefully plucked one from the front. He unraveled in slowly in front of Horry's eyes, enjoying the tension and excitement he was creating for the boy. When the scroll was fully revealed, an intricate family tree was staring up at them. The fine lines were professional and precise.

“This, Horry, is the family lineage of our very own Royal Family. The throne of our beloved country has been passed down through the Turene Line for centuries and here are all the names in black and white.

“At the very top is the first King of Eriland, King Ford Turene. He ruled the country for 51 violent years. He conquered city after city across Eriland. The first being Harandale which is still the capital today, of course. Despite all his victorious battles, King Ford was actually beheaded by his own daughter, Princess Bertha, during one fine Summer feast!” Quinn chuckled. Horry’s face was a picture.

Nonetheless, Quinn continued.

“Bertha took her place as Queen and victor of the throne of Eriland and ruled for 12 years until she too, was betrayed by her own family member. Her nephew, Prince Readren laced her wine with a range of poisons just to make sure the deed was done. Readren only lasted a day on the throne before he was stabbed in the back quite literally by his cousin Killian, Son of Queen Bertha who was quite peeved at his mother’s exit.

“The list goes on my boy. A sister stabbed here, an uncle with an arrow through his head there. They are a family of no loyalty and a family of no promises or grace.”

Quinn followed the lines with an outstretched finger, pointing out various dates and important figures out to Horry when he finally stopped at the bottom most name. Queen Liselle Turene. There were no children below her, no husband in sight next to her and all family members surrounding her all seemed to have been written as ‘deceased’ in the the last 15 years.

“Ah! So now we finally come to present day. Our Queen Liselle,” sighed Quinn. “Coronated in 1301 and still ruling over all in Eriland 26 years later. No one has challenged her. No one has dared. Those who even have a wisp of an idea of having a different ruler are swept away in a bloody fashion before they can even finish their thought. Most recently, her most trusted advisor can still be seeing hanging from the city gates for some treason he was or wasn’t about to commit. Liselle trusts no one and kills you off before she can try."

Quinn paused dramatically and looked up at Horry with a twisted grin on his face. Horry knew that look. Horry knew that nothing good ever comes from that look.

“W-w-what are we doing in Harandale, Sir?” Horry asked the question he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer to. Quinn grinned even wider, slapped Horry on the shoulder and said,

“I’m going to be Liselle’s new advisor of course! And you, boy, are going to be right by my side.”

Quinn’s mocking laughter broke through the night air as he watched the colour drain from Horry’s face.

Word Count: 883 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
63 Reviews


Points: 5915
Reviews: 63

Donate
Sat Sep 05, 2015 4:34 am
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Strawberry jam.

Image

He chuckled under his breath. Not likely.


I feel like the sentence "Not likely." would fit better if it was expressed as Quinn's thoughts. So the sentence becomes something like:

"He chuckled under his breath. Not likely. He thought."

Or maybe you'd like to change it some other way... or keep it as it is...

Image

He was hoping to find a dark and dingy room within the keep that would match his personality nicely.


Put a full stop after "keep".

Image

an intricate family tree was staring up at them.


Since Quinn unravelled the scroll, how would the family be staring up at them? Did he lay out the scroll? Because that would make sense. Unless in this sentence you were trying to reveal the height of Quinn compared to Horry, but I think there are better opportunities to do that.

Image

Horry’s face was a picture.


Perhaps you could try rephrasing this to something like:
"Horry's reaction to his words was an interesting sight."

Image

before he was stabbed in the back quite literally by his cousin Killian,


I think you mean to say:
"before he was, quite literally, stabbed in the back by his cousin Killian."
It makes more sense.

Image

They are a family of no loyalty and a family of no promises or grace.”


This would sound better and more intriguing if you changed it to something like:
"They are a family without loyalty or grace. They break every promise that they make and feel no remorse."
Ok, maybe that last bit was a bit "eh" but you get the idea.

Image

And that's all I got. I'm sorry if this review wasn't exceptionally helpful, but I tried so...

:D

Happy Writing!
Phoenix out.




User avatar
177 Reviews


Points: 1093
Reviews: 177

Donate
Sun Jul 26, 2015 12:29 am
Chaser wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!

Beginning with the first line, it can be said that it's quite intriguing. It also allows you to portray the relationship between Quinn and Horry, which is excellent for characterization. Although, you may want to mention the tea again when Horry goes back to the horses, it seems odd that your opening line wouldn't get any more background.

“Yes, Sir,” mumbled Horry, staring at the moonlight skimming his shoes. “Sorry, Sir."

I can't quite fathom Horry's shoes being skimmed by the moonlight. I'm sorry, but wouldn't his shoes have to be exceptionally shiny for that? You said they'd been traveling, so I imagine shoes to be a bit dirtier. They didn't really pay much attention to those back then anyway.

He didn’t need young Horry shouting off his business to any Tom, Dick and Harry on the way.

Misread this and got confused, but that might just be me.

He supposed that now was as good as any to teach the boy a bit about what they were letting themselves in for.

Any what? "He supposed that this time was as good as any" would make more sense, as now doesn't exactly have a plural form, and therefore cannot be described as an "any." (At least, I think that's how it goes.)

Most of all, I feel like I'm missing information. Just what does Murray Quinn do? Why is he looking after Horry? If Quinn didn't trust Horry on the road, why would he let him know in the capital, where thousands of people all reside? Well, I suppose that such information is to be revealed at your leisure.

Couldn't find any grammar mistakes, and I see your characters to be forming quite well, even if they do feel a bit familiar in structure. Overall, this was a read with some excellent voice and flow, and I look forward to seeing more of it. Cheers.




User avatar
476 Reviews


Points: 561
Reviews: 476

Donate
Fri Jul 17, 2015 1:49 pm
Apricity wrote a review...



Heyo Olive, Flite here for a review!

Let's get straight to it. Opening with dialogue is often used by writers as a means of reeling the readers in. However there is one massive disadvantage to it, it lends the readers no background information. Were this the start of a second or third chapter, it would not have been as bad. However, keep in mind that this is a first chapter. Jumping straight into a dialogue feels quite abrupt and random.

Yes, it appears that Quinn is criticizing on Horry's tea brewing skills but that in particular doesn't really tell us why they're here. Nor does it give us a sense of place, had you started with a description of their surroundings. I would actually include or foreshadow something related to the scrolls at the start and in particular this sentence

Horry almost fell into Quinn’s lap with excitement when he had finally located the scrolls.
. It would give the readers a sense of what's going on, what type of story this might be instead of an old man criticizing on a youngster's tea brewing skills.

“Yes, Sir,” mumbled Horry, staring at the moonlight skimming his shoes. “Sorry, Sir.”


I am indeed being very pedantic here, however with this line. I thought you could actually add more, expand Horry's vision to their surroundings. And as well, introduce some of his internal dialogue. This can't be the first time that it's happened, so what are his thoughts? The sentence structure also strikes me as awkward you have a lot of -ing verbs going on here. The imagery doesn't quite register in my mind and I think this is partially to do with your word choices. Moonlights itself is already a very thin, pale vision, skimming sort of lumps the two together ambiguously. 'Dancing?' Perhaps? You could always ask a thesaurus.

You have good characterization on Quinn, but if I'm to be honest with you. It's nothing that really grabs my interest, it offers me a certain degree of mystery because I'm curious to where Quinn is going and his purpose. However the prose does come across to me as flat, try and put some [urhttps://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=46916]emotion[/url] into your words

I found some logical discrepancies here, everything happens for a reason. If Quinn didn't show Horry before, why does he decide to show Horry now? And not later? Every story is their own world, and within this world have their own rules of logic. If Quinn decides to suddenly inform Horry about the purpose of this quest, then there must be a reason why he decided to do it now. And it's your job as the writers to convey that message to the readers. On top of that, why is Horry so excited about these scrolls? Do they contain some secret information? Power?

So the scrolls were the lead up to your cliffhanger. But I'm sure you can think of other ways to put it rather than dumping it in dialogue as an info dump. There is a lot of explaining on the history, which as much as I hate to use the term is a massive case of 'telling'. There are ways to avoid this of course, for example you don't have to tell us absolutely every detail. You could scatter that chunk and place at it different locations in the chapter, drop a hint there and drop a word there and the readers will be able to piece it together.

I also felt the ending was too sudden, there wasn't enough time between Quinn revealing what he's really doing and between the scrolls. And why the sudden reveal again, I thought he didn't trust the boy. Given Quinn's personality I'm pretty sure he could have conjured up some other tale to mess with Horry's head. In my opinion, you probably have expanded on that scene a bit more. Give us the background of how Quinn found Horry and why he chose Horry, or maybe these will be answered in the later chapters.

To sum it up, I found that this was rather short for a first chapter. There's a lot of dialogue and action going on but not a lot of explaining and describing, I'm guessing you'll patch those up in the later chapters so I'm not going to stress too much on that. Though there isn't much character development here, I can see that you've got a good foundation so I'm hoping that I'll get to see more in the later chapters.

I know I've been saying quite a lot of negative things about this chapter but at the same time it keep me interested, the character already have quite a distinctive voice and from where you left it here. It seems that there will be exciting times ahead.

I hope this has been helpful, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.

-Flite




User avatar
1081 Reviews


Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Donate
Wed Jul 15, 2015 7:36 pm
View Likes
Virgil says...



“You know, Horry, there’s only so many times you can show a boy how to brew a decent cup of tea before you lose the will to live entirely,” snapped Old Murray Quinn.

Greatest first line ever. You have me excited to read more about this, the narrative and the characters so far, they are just, so good! I don't really have much to say about this because I'm speechless.

I like the concept, the situation, it just all fits.





Forever is composed of nows.
— Emily Dickenson