Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Anabelle pushes herself backwards through her creaky apartment door, being careful not to trip over her not so welcome mat with the message, ‘You can’t come in without a warrant.’ in black, bold letters. Her car keys dangle noisily between her teeth as the bottom of the flimsy cardboard box she has been carting around falls through, scattering it’s contents onto her wooden flooring.
“Shit!” Annabelle curses. “Could my day get any worse?” Chances are, that it probably couldn’t. Annabelle has been fired, again, from another office temp job. Annabelle would like to say that she was always ‘misunderstood’ but the chain of unhappy bosses seemed to prefer the words ‘lazy’, ‘inefficient’ and, the one that’s a real kick in the teeth, ‘undesirable’. Ouch.
A phone starts to sing a cheerful tune from underneath the pile of recently dropped clutter. Annabelle scrambles through the mess until she finds her trusty blackberry and, after looking at the screen with a low groan, clicks the green button.
“Mum, I’m busy right now. I can’t really talk,” Anabelle says sharply.
“Anna, darling. It won’t take long. I just wanted to know how your first week went?” Yes, that’s right. The newest company had only given Annabelle a week to show just how useless she was at sorting through everyones mail. Hey, being fired after two days was her record, so this was definitely an improvement.
“It’s going fine, Mum. They’re nice and they seem to like me,” lies Annabelle expertly.
“Oh good, I am glad darling. It’s nice to know that you’re not wasting your time on those painting of yours anymore.” Annabelle had to bite her lip to stop herself from screaming down the phone. Those paintings were her everything and she was determined to make them into her own business one day. She just needed to that big break, a day that her mother believed would never come.
“I’ve got to go Mum. I’m having some friends over for dinner. Bye!” Annabelle quickly hangs up before her Mum can get another word in. She, of course, isn’t having anyone over for dinner. Another lie. Don’t get me wrong, Annabelle has friends, but she is far to unorganised to actually invite them over for a specific date and time. It’s just easier to let them arrange for nights out that Annabelle can be unfashionably late for.
The blackberry starts it’s jolly ring tone again. “Oh, what does she want now?” Annabelle moans, whilst trying to pick up her sad desk accessories. She’s punches the blackberry’s green button with her thumb. “Mum! I told you, I can’t talk.”
“Good Evening. Am I speaking to Miss Annabelle Westbrook?” says an unrecognisable male voice. Annabelle covers the bottom of her blackberry with her hand and jumps on the spot mouthing the words ‘shit’, ‘fuck’ and ‘damn’ over and over again. She tries to compose herself, puts the phone back to her ear and presents her best phone voice. You know the one I mean.
“Um, no I’m sorry. She is unavailable at the moment. May I pass on a message for you?” She rolls her eyes at her own terrible voice, yet the caller doesn’t seem to notice.
“Yes, that would be very kind. Could you please ask Miss Westbrook to call Kresta Debt Management as soon as possible? Thank you.”
Annabelle presses the end-call button and launches the blackberry on to her sofa, furious with herself for not checking the screen. Rule number one for someone who is in as much debt as she is. If they can’t get hold of her, how can they get the money? Although, she has a pretty good idea what tactic they will use next. The Onyx Squad.
The Onyx Squad were men, hired by the government to collect heavy debt using whatever scare tactics that they could come up with. They went all out with the black cloaks, the ninja like moves and the creepy, inhuman voices. Annabelle was yet to be visited by one of these strange intruders, but looking at her poor money management, it would only be a matter of time.
After clearing up all of her mess, and just putting it somewhere else to gather dust, Annabelle decides to tackle making something for dinner. Her kitchen is a small, squashed area at the back of her apartment with a circular breakfast bar to sit and eat. A rectangular window right above the stove allows Annabelle to peer out into her street whilst she slaves over making her instant noodles.
She rummages through her, one of only two, wooden cupboards until she lays her hands on her favourite chicken noodles and puts the kettle onto boil. She takes the wait to peek through the blinds of the window when she immediately sees it.
A dark stain against the perfect sparkling stars, just above the roof of the apartment block opposite. Annabelle squints into the night to try and make out what the black error could be. It moves ever so slightly causing Annabelle to inhale a sharp breath. “Holy shit! It’s one of those Onyx Squad things!” she whispers to herself. Even though her heart is beating too fast in her chest, she realises that the visitor can’t be for her. The Onyx Squad never get their intended location wrong.
Annabelle watches the Squad member closely, slightly surprised that the old woman who lives in that apartment, Mrs Brixton, was in any debt with the government. It unashamedly, makes her feel a little better about her own predicament.
The Squad member moves stealthily and professionally along the roof top, heading straight for it seems, Mrs Brixton’s apartment sky light. A rush of anger floods through Anabelle’s veins. “They can’t do that!” she shouts to herself, watching the Squad member pulling the skylight open, getting ready to fall inside. “The poor woman will have a heart attack!”
Before you she can stop herself from doing the most unbelievably idiotic thing she had ever done in her life, Annabelle throws open her kitchen window with a crash and screams, “OI!” at the top of her lungs.
The cloaked figure wheels round and stumbles in shock. All Annabelle can do is watch in horror, as the once completely composed member of The Onyx Squad, falls spectacularly from the tiled apartment block roof.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Review number three! Review number three!
You always title things well.
I've already said this, but you are a good titler
This is fantastic.
I've only read two paragraphs so far and it's fantastic. She's funny and you're descriptions aren't overdone but they give a great sense of the situation and imagery.
Is this missing a "get?" "Get that big break?"
The "to" should be double o and I was curious about the me part. Usually in third person there isn't a me, is this a slip up or do you intend to have little interjections like such? I actually think it's a unique twist, and if you were going to continue with that, it could add some interesting points to the narration.
I love this. I've so done this. Plus you've created a great visual.
This was great! I love you're character. She's a trip and I can see great things to come for her. I can also see great things to come for you! You're an amazing and versatile writing. You're sentences are good, good vocabulary, good grammar, good ideas, and names, and originality. Keep me in the loop when you post new stuff okay?
Hey Olive.
As you only received one review from your Secret Santa during Christmas in July, I am here to save the day! Well, okay, maybe not save the day, but I'm here to give you your second Secret Santa review.
Ooooo, so this seems really interesting! I love the cliffhanger at the end as well, by the way, especially if it means the Onyx guy has hurt himself. I like it when people get hurt in fiction. Pain makes me happy. The technical side of your writing (grammar, punctuation, and all that jazz) was generally good as well. You had some typos and grammatical slip-ups every now and then, but the other reviewers have covered them so I haven't specifically pointed them out. Those little issues aside though, I didn't spot any real issues. I like Annabelle's character too because she isn't your typical main character. She seems to have quite a lot of flaws, which I like, and she comes across as someone with a big personality. I must say that I really like her overall.
Now with regards to critiques, advice, suggestions e.t.c. one thing I do want to suggest is that you could perhaps make the opening of this chapter more gripping. It's not that you necessarily have a bad opening or anything as it stands, but I'm one of those annoying people who think that the opening of a novel/story is vitally important. It is the first thing your readers are going to read, after all. If they don't feel especially intrigued by it, there's a risk they won't bother reading on. Let's take your first paragraph:
This is a nice description, and you give us the setting and the main character's name within the first few lines, which is good, but I can't say it especially grabs me. There's nothing there that really catches my eye, makes me wonder, shocks me, or anything like that. You don't have to change the opening entirely or anything, but maybe just make it sound more... dramatic. Use grammar devices such as short sentences, perhaps? Just don't be afraid to play around a bit with this opening.
I don't know if this was just me, but I couldn't help feeling that this read kind of awkwardly at times. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure why it read awkwardly... which is pretty useless of me, I know. Something I think may have contributed to that awkwardness was the way you had a tendency to make the prose seem somewhat listy. Part of me thinks that I was maybe just imagining this, but it seems like you had a lot of 'Annabelle does this, Annabelle does that' kind of sentences. Sentences similar to that can create a sort of monotonous, listy feel to your writing, so you do have to watch out for them. Vary the way in which you start sentences a little more, and that should hopefully be fixed.
Something else that may be contributing to the awkwardness I felt while reading this chapter may be down to you naming Annabelle a lot. Now I am personally a victim of this issue, which is one of the many reasons why I avoid writing in third person. I'm really quite bad at it, it's scary. Going back to your chapter though, I do think you use Annabelle's name a lot, and when a writer does that, it can become a bit tedious for the reader. Don't be afraid to just use 'she' more often, especially in a chapter like this where the only character in it is Annabelle. As a result, you can use 'she' rather than Annabelle as often as you like really. We're hardly going to get confused at who you're talking about!
I have one more thing to say, and then I shall leave you alone.
And that's it! Critiques and blerghness aside, I thought this was a really interesting chapter. You had a really good hook at the end, and I really do love what we've seen of Annabelle so far. I look forward to see where you take this, so please do let me know when you post the next chapter. But anyways, if you have any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hi Olive!
So, that's quite an interesting start you have here. I like the short sentences and crispness you brought in the narrative. The opening para seemed to do quite a bit for giving us an idea of your MC. It makes her a very likeable character and I'm thinking you would do well to explore this potential.
I found the part where the writer/narrator comes into the picture to be quite jarring. It didn't seem to fit the flow you've gotten so far. It seems a little odd. Or if you have this line continuing to reveal a character for the story, it'd be interesting.
"A dark stain against the perfect sparkling stars, just above the roof of the apartment block opposite. "
This description seemed to throw me off a little. One, the sky wouldn't be completely filled with stars (given that I think she's not in a rustic setting/ she's in a town/city) and the dark stain seems like romanticizing the presence of one of them, and it's a little odd I think.
That she realized it was one of the squad all so soon was a little throwing me-off-balance. It seemed like she reached that conclusion all too soon. I mean, we haven't had a huge sense of the world in your story plus how big The Onyx Squad is, so .
"Before you she can stop herself from doing the most unbelievably idiotic thing" Small typo. A you, over there.
Fahrvergnügen!
Cheers!
Hiya Olive!
So what I liked most about this whole piece I guess is the theme behind it. I mean the Onyx Squad are essentially just really scary balliffs right? There's probably more to them that we'll learn later in the story, but I think it's a really cool idea, and not something I've heard before. I also really like your MC's name!
With my critiques, I'll start first with some nitpicks/specific things:
This sentence is rather long and I’d suggest breaking it down a bit.
‘it’s’ doesn’t need the apostrophe, as it’s possessive.
Again, ‘it’s’ should be its.
But if it’s an unrecognisable voice then how does she know it’s going to be something bad?
This sentence doesn’t quite make sense on its own, you need to mention something like ‘she noticed a dark stain…’
I think that this piece would benefit from rather than being third person to being a first person story. I really think it would suit it all more. For example:
Instead of saying that the intruders are strange, that’s really something that the reader should make up their mind about. If this was in the first person, or not, you could say that Annabelle thought this. But if they are strange anyways, explain why. You do already talk a bit about them, so maybe add more so you can get rid of that sentence.
I just sort of mentioned this but I'll go into a bit more detail and that's about descriptions. I didn't really think there was enough here and because this is the first chapter, you really want to set the scene. I'd really like to see some more descriptions of Annabelle's apartment, to show more about what she's really like. Or perhaps the city she lives in? Is it a busy city? Do these Onyx Squad people work for the government? The government/Onyx Squad seem quite evil right now and I'd like to know more!
Overall, this was a really good chapter one, I really like your whole idea of the Onyx Squad and I'm expecting something quite dystopian-y? Maybe not, but either way I still want to read more so let me know if you post anymore of this. Improvements are mainly to add more detail to your character and the settings, (similar to what I mentioned in the review of the prologue). Anyhoo, I hope this review helped. PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.
Just keep writing!
-Arc x
Eeep, I tried to edit the bit with the quotes but I found it hard to see what exactly went wrong there. If you're having trouble reading this please PM me!
Hey Olive! How are you and your Fahrvergnugen doing today? Stella here to review!
Okay so overall I liked this! At first I was afraid that the first chapter was going to be sort of boring, but you really picked it up at the end, I loved that. I loved how The Onyx Squad got such an immediate introduction.
There were a couple of grammar things which I can't hunt for now- I did see an it's instead of an its in one place. Remember, he's, she's, it's, his, her, its.
There was also an instance of breaking the fourth wall where you said, "Believe me". This annoyed me, because who was the speaker? I know the overall tone is really casual but I didn't like that at all, because you gave your speaker an identity and unless they are a real person... I'd avoid doing that.
Other than those nitpicks, I don't have too many complaints! Annabelle seemed original and fun- I'd like to know how she got into so much debt! Although she's definitely a character I'd be happy to follow for the entirety of a novel, she has lots of potential! (which isn't usually praise I give in a first chapter, usually characters at this point are super flat).
One thing I'd improve on was the ending, first of all it all happened really quickly, I think you need to tweak the pacing just a little so that we can absorb each bit of action at a time. Also, were they coming after Mrs Brixton herself or Annabelle? Stupid question, but I'm going to assume Mrs Brixton. I felt clarification was needed there though. Also, it'd be nice if Mrs Brixton got a mention before this (did she? Maybe I missed it!) you know, a description of her window basket or something like that. Just a thought!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey Olive!
Before I'll give some thoughts on this; Welcome to YWS! You seem to have settled in well
Will only do a quick overview, as I mainly liked the story, your writing style and I only found a couple of grammatical errors.
So in short, I really enjoyed it. Your main character is pretty believable, has human shortcomings that readers can identify with and still has a conscience about things happening around her.
The dialogue is very interesting and seems real, and although your scene descriptions could get more detailed, it's good for it's length.
However, I'm not a fan of this type of storytelling though:
This sort of storyteller really pulls me out of the story, and everytime I see it I'm reminded of the fact that I'm reading a story.
Alright, The Onyx Squad; ninja loan sharks that have no respect for elderly ladies. I'm intrigued and interested in following chapters. Feel free to poke me when they're out.
Lastly, I'll go over the very few grammatical errors I found:
Debatable.
You seem to be writing US english, so this should be realizes. Getting down the small differences between UK and US is difficult.
Before she can stop herself - quick typo.
As I said, remind me if you publish more chapters. They could get interesting.
Cheers
Birkhoff