Published November 23, 2015
The moonlight was beginning to peek through the cloudy, navy blue sky alongside the million stars, all getting ready for their nightly show.
Hidden behind a tower of heavy, cracked books, a teenage boy’s muscles strained under the weight. Finch was making his way back from a busy afternoon collecting borrowed books from all over Eastpin centre. He hummed happily as he followed the everyday route as if his eyes were tightly shut. Having a pile of books constantly obscuring the view of his feet meant Finch had memorised the streets before him.
He swiftly sidestepped down the length of the alleyway and out into Greenhorn Square. He expertly skipped over the broken drain, ducked underneath Mrs Holloway's washing line and shuffled past the old and faded wanted posters of long forgotten criminals. All he had to do now was avoid the ever present oil puddles from the double headed street lamp and bend his tired knees low enough for his pillar of books to make it underneath the hanging gutter pipes. That was when he realised. The ever present oil puddles were gone.
Finch didn't know what to make of it but he immediately sensed that something more was different in Greenhorn Square. He lowered his pile of books onto a rusty unused bench and scanned the area. The bookshop his Father owned looked much the same. A layer of grease and grime covered it from chimney to doorstep and the cracked, wooden sign creaked in the breeze. A delicate golden bell hung from the door frame, looking completely out of place, waiting patiently to ring when someone placed a palm on the door handle. The flowers within the window boxes reached desperately upwards, searching for even a spec of fresh air.
It was the dirty, golden glow of the double headed street lamps that caught Finch's eye. The light within them seemed to be slowly dimming until with a slight pop, went out completely, plunging Finch into darkness. The extinguished light immediately started to play tricks on Finch's eyes. Shadows danced round in the hidden alleyway bends and the falling factory soot created eerie shapes in front of his face.
A shuffling of footsteps caused Finch to swing his head around so fast that he cricked his neck, sending a trickle of heat down his spine. He found that his breath was coming in short, sharp gasps and his heart was thumping loudly in his chest. Someone was watching him. Someone was measuring his every move.
A sudden gust of warm wind caused Finch's cap to fall from his head and the bookshop's golden bell tinkled excitedly in the moment. That was when the cloaked figure stepped into Greenhorn Square, shadow completely hiding their face.
“I wonder if you could show me inside boy," said the cloaked figure. To say that Finch was more than surprised to hear that it was a woman's voice was an understatement. "Well, should I say, show us inside." Three more cloaked figures emerged to stand before the flabbergasted bookshop boy. It took him a moment or four to gather himself together.
"Um, of course. One moment please," stammered Finch. He knew that his Father would already be making his way through the maze of books after hearing the golden bell ring in the gust of wind. He would be wondering where his son had got to. As usual.
As he ushered the cloaked visitors towards the front door, his, his Father appeared in the doorway. He filled the entire frame in his brown, tweed suit. A pocket watch was swinging lightly from his breast pocket as if it had just been checked by it's owner. A pair of old spectacles poked out from the other. He stood with his hands behind his back and his face set as though a bad smell was consistently following him around.
“What are those books doing on that filthy bench you useless child?” seethed Finch's Father.
I am not a child. Finch seethed back. In his mind, of course. He actually said, “S-s-sorry, Father. Um, these people would like to come inside.” His Father's gaze moved slowly towards to four cloaked travellers and stared at them for an awkward amount of time.
“Yes, I do believe they would. Come in,” he said rudely without introducing himself at all. This struck Finch as rather quite odd. His Father only ever showed contempt towards him. He was the picture of delight towards his customers so he could get as much money out of them as possible.
Frowning, Finch picked up his books from the rusty bench and followed the new arrivals inside.
The family bookshop, to Finch, was a never ending cave full of treasures from all over the world. Books upon books piled towards the ceiling covered almost every inch of the carpeted floor. They leaned to the right, they leaned to the left, they obscured the view through the dusty wide windows and gave out the scent of yellowing pages. Finch had almost read every single one of them. History, geography, science and old Lorian fairy tales filled his head and his heart.
“Catalogue those now, Child.”
I am not a child. Though, he scrambled to obey. Heaving the tower of newly returned books once again, he moved naturally towards the first correct shelf. His Father showed the mysterious guests towards the sitting area. A puff of shimmering dust rocketed into the air as they sat down on the plump armchairs.
Annoyingly, Finch realised that he was just out of earshot but he could see everything perfectly. Whilst absent-mindedly putting the books back in their correct homes, Finch watched their movements closely. He quickly glimpsed at his Father first to sum up his attitude. He was sat with crossed legs and crossed arms. Completely closed off to those he was speaking with. His look of distrust gave away to Finch that his Father definitely knew who these people were.
Next, Finch looked much more closely at the hooded strangers. He immediately noticed their hands. Something that in fact showed them all to be women. They all had immaculately painted nails, all a different colour. The women that had spoken to him had a fresh white paint. The next sitting to her right had a vivid scarlet. The cloaked lady sitting to the left fashioned a powder blue and the last, perched on the armchair behind, had a shade of olive green gleaming in the lamplight.
Finch continued to watch the woman that had first spoken to him and realised that she was the only one that actually spoke out of the four women. She constantly moved her hands in fluid movements whilst nodding her head politely as his Father replied every now and then. Her feet were tapping lightly on the floor, as though she was moving to her own rhythm.
Finch's cheeks turned a beetroot red and he realised that whilst watching her move her feet, all in the party had turned to stare at him. His hand froze in the motion of putting a book back on a lopsided shelf.
“Come here, Child.” beckoned his Father.
I am not a child. “Yes, Father.”
Sheepishly, he made his way over to the reading area, feeling five pairs of eyes crawling uncomfortably over his skin. His palms had grown sweaty and his greasy fringe stuck to his forehead. Something about these cloaked women and his Fathers attitude towards them made him feel incredibly uneasy but he had the feeling that he was just about to be let in on the big secret.
The white nailed women spoke first, “I see you are very skilled and passionate about what you do here, boy.” Her voice was breathy and almost musical.
“Thank you, Miss”
“We would like you to come and work for us.”
Now Finch definitely hadn't seen that one coming. He stood speechless. Go somewhere else to work? He had been born and raised in this bookshop. He didn't know anything else, anywhere else. This was his home.
The woman ignored his silence and carried on speaking, “We can give you accommodation, hot meals and the grandest library you could ever imagine to spend your working days. We would obviously provide your Father with a suitable compensation for losing his only employee.”
Finch struggled to find his voice and courage. Things like this didn't happen to him. His days were and always had been the same from morning until night. He was a part of this bookshop just like it's dusty armchairs and dirty window ledges.
“S-s-sorry, Miss but my F-, the shop needs me here. This is where I belong.” Finch looked full into his Father's face for some reassurance and support. He never found it.
His Father's voice had never sounded colder in that moment. The moment he sold his only child to the cloaked traveller.
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Hi, Olive~ Here for a quick review!
I think you could get rid of the passive voice in the first sentence by changing 'was beginning' to 'had begun'. Besides that, I really like the imagery in this line; it's gripping, in a way. I should mention, though, that I feel like the sky and the moon have been overused as an entryway into stories.
The shift from the sky + setting the mood to the starker scene of the boy + action read rather clumsily. It was like skipping a step and we weren't really eased into the scene at all. So I think the transition could be worked on? There's no mention of the place in the first line, so the lack of context following this becomes a tad confusing. It might help if the narrator were to slide down the scale slowly, from building focus on the time of day to the city/town/village itself before zooming in on the boy. It makes your beginning more structured and also allows the reader to settle into the writing better.
^Awkward sentence. Because the reader does not know that Finch has memorised the streets (we're told this in the sentence after this), they would assume that 'walking with his eyes shut' would be akin to tripping along the path, because that is how most people would walk with their eyes shut. I think you could solve this if you cut 'as if his eyes...' out of the sentence, or maybe if you rephrased it in some way?
The syntax in paragraph 3 does not alter by much, and it means that the description of Finch and his actions is verging on monotone. 'He swiftly sidestepped' and 'he expertly skipped' are examples of the same SVO structure.
*speck. Also, air is not something that can be seen, like specks can? Specks are solid particles--tiny solid particles, but particles nonetheless, and air is not. So the description felt a little off to me.
You have a very solid way of describing the setting; I love it. I can see it perfectly. I do think you need a bit more of the other senses in your description, though, because the reader's attention wanders away from the MC too often. It'd be nice to know if his palms were sweaty, if he rubbed his wrists the moment he put the stack of books down, if there were any odd smells in the area or if he interacted with his surroundings in a way besides just walking. Subtle facial quirks and expressions as well as actions like shifting slightly on your feet, fiddling with the sleeve of your jumper, raking a hand through your hair (or anything, really, I just mentioned the most-commonly used ones) allow for your character and the setting to integrate. You've done this when Finch moves forward to talk to the cloaked women, but I'd like to see non-seeing sensory description sprinkled elsewhere as well! Over here, I imagined Finch dragging in a deep breath as the darkness begins to play tricks on his eyes, the warm air feel like a balloon he's swallowed down. I imagine him wince at the slightest sound, if he's easily scared. I'd love to get to know him in these little ways.
~ Because possession has already been implied, the 'f' in 'father' does not need to be capitalised. You can either change the capitalisation or remove the 'his'; it works either way.
I feel like the suspense falls a little ... flat? I'm not really attached to the character, although I would like to be, and I feel like the scene would be better without the extinguished lights because then it would feel less like forced theatre. The entrance of the cloaked figures is interesting enough: make your events stand on their own instead of turning the ambiance into an event. The ambiance exists to support your event, not envelop it like the dark does in this case.
I'm sorry if I sound like I'm spewing complete rubbish. It's late here.
Finch reminds me of Neville Longbottom! He's scared of his father and does not seem all that collected, nor does he speak up much. I do wonder why he's afraid of his father, though, and what his father's done to him to warrant such obedience despite Finch's obvious dislike for him. His thoughts (and how you've used the word 'seethed') don't correspond to his actions, because he's meek and, to be honest, he's quite a scaredy-cat. As of now, though, I can't say I have that firm a grasp on his character, but this is quite all right: you've succeeded in laying a 2D structure out for the reader and I'd like to see how his character develops + its many facets as the novel continues.
Hm, the ending of the chapter is very abrupt and the pacing nearing the end is so much faster than how it was at the beginning. There's still a lot that we don't know, a lot that we /need/ to know for an introductory chapter. Why is Finch's father so cold and uncaring? Why does Finch, despite all this, despite his obvious passion for books--and not his father--want to stay at the shop? I also feel like the entry of the cloaked ladies and them demanding that the MC come live with them is a bit on the cliché side: it's something we see a lot in fantasy novels. So, at the moment, I distrust the plot. I would like to see where you go with this, and I'm wondering--from the chapter title--if there are more characters you intend to introduce in this snappish way before continuing with the story? It would make things interesting, and might also explain the sparseness of backstory as a stylistic decision.
I'm not sure I completely understand why Finch's dad sold him off. Money problems? The decision just feels very ... flyaway to me. I understand that he's getting a replacement, but if his father has agreed to the fact that Finch is a skilled worker, wouldn't the ladies--almost wrote witches there XD--mistrust him for selling him off for someone who might, quite possibly, be less skilled? The father doesn't really have much to his character--he is not abusive, he is not particularly mean--in fact, he doesn't really do much of anything that shows negativity in the beginning besides calling Finch 'a useless child'. I need convincing that he would actually /do/ such a thing. We can't just have the classic 'mean-parent' without a twist, after all.
Keep me updated, please. Keep writing!
Hope this helped.
~Pomp c:
Hey! It's TheFantasy14 here to review!
The first thing I want to say is... Woah.
And I repeat. WOAH.
This story is already amazing! I love reading things like this, and it's very well written, too.
Your style is unique and your writing flows smoothly, the only thing I spotted were a few odd sentences.
"Sheepishly, he made his way over to the reading area..."
it might just be me, but I'm not sure 'sheepish' is the right word. usually, I think of sheepish when describing how a character acts and speaks when caught in the act of doing something wrong or embarrassing or something. maybe something more along the lines of 'Meekly' or 'Cautiously'?
feeling five pairs of eyes crawling uncomfortably over his skin.
An interesting choice of words, I had a strange mental image of five pairs of eyeballs literally crawling over poor Finch...
But I know what you meant, so it's not much of a big deal.
his greasy fringe stuck to his forehead.
greasy fringe of what? Do you mean his greasy fringe of hair?
Those were all the things I caught, once again, really good work! Let me know when the next installment is up!
-Fanty