Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Spiritual

E - Everyone

Imagination

by OldManJenkins


The color grey surrounds me while I drift aimlessly through an empty void

I search for an end to this infinite, dreary abyss, yet no end appears

Fortunately, during my despair, two paths apear

On on the right, darker than night

One on the left, brighter than any star in the galaxy. I take the left.

I walk the path. Trees form along the road, more beautiful than the lushest forest

I walk the path. Above me, clouds manifest, dancing through a gorgeous, blue sky

I walk the path. Vibrant colors splash forward from everywhere as birds whizz by me. 

I walk the path. I can practically feel of the atmosphere crawl into my nostrils

I stare ahead, still trotting down the trail. No end.

I notice that there are heavy winds, pushing me back, howling agressively

Yet with clearness of mind, I shrug it off, pushing forward into the glorious unknown

I forever walk the colorful path, basking in this peculiar world's charm.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Nov 12, 2018 6:39 pm
RJN says...



This is really something that people can relate to, or at least I can. Being trapped inside one's head is something that has been attempted to be described, but very few have succeeded. This has to be one of the best literary pieces I have ever read. Thank you!




User avatar


Points: 151
Reviews: 2

Donate
Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:29 am
View Likes
MusesOfATimeLady wrote a review...



Hello! It's been a while since I've written a good review but let's try this out again, shall we?

The first few lines are really cool, and show the reader the choices that someone has when trapped in their own head. You can either succumb to darkness, or try using your imagination, which could take you away on a strange and mystical journey. Then, as you continue down that road, you start to see things-- things only created by the deepest depths of imagination, that show the reader what it's like to really explore that side of yourself.

I interpreted the "heavy winds" to be anxiety or something weighing the speaker down. In the beginning of the poem, we can see that the speaker is already trapped in their own mind, "...while I drift aimlessly through an empty void/...yet no end appears", and the winds could be why they're trapped there. However, a good imagination will help you overcome those fears and you can finally move on from them-- "Yet with clearness of mind, I shrug it off, pushing forward into the glorious unknown"-- which is a very powerful line, by the way (kudos!)

The only thing I would suggest changing is removing "of" from the line "I can practically feel of the atmosphere crawl into my nostrils" because it really throws off the rhythm.

But otherwise, this was an epic and relatable poem!

Keep writing!




User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 2047
Reviews: 24

Donate
Sun Nov 11, 2018 4:10 pm
RowenaLynn wrote a review...



Hey! Thanks again for reviewing my work... Ok. So. I don't think that I have much to say about what to fix in this... I loved the repetition with the "I walk the path". I think it helps the reader really realize that it is a poem and just... I don't know if I really have a great reason I just liked that. :)

Punctuation is good as you wrote it, no changes needed that I can see.

I also LOVED the word choice and the tone of the poem. Also the "I can practically feel of the atmosphere crawl into my nostrils" sounds cool and weird... (When I say weird it is good.)
I think that the 'of' can be taken out when I read it closer.

Ok. I think that it's really cool. The path theme kind of reminds me of The Road Not Taken (Not like in a plagiarism way at all because it's really not like it , just like in a good way. And honestly that might be a shallow observation because. they. are. both. about. paths. Ahhhh. *facepalm*)

Keep writing and I'll try to keep up with reviewing your work! 8)

See ya!
-RowenaLynn






Thanks! I appreciate the review!



User avatar
542 Reviews


Points: 30284
Reviews: 542

Donate
Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:48 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here.

I really liked reading this poem. It was really well written. The words mixed together really well, making it an easy read. This poem felt so true in a funny way. How we all don't no what our path is like.

I did see two things I would like to point out.

The color grey surrounds me while I drift aimlessly through an empty void

I think a comma should be in between me and while in this sentence. TO pick out thing like this. Read aloud your work to yourself. Where ever you stop to take a breath, or think it's a good place to stop is were the comma should go.
The other this I would like to point out is that you say
I walk the path
A lot is this poem. I think it would be better if you don't say it so much, or you can reword it. It's up to you.

Okay so that's all the things I could see here. I really liked reading this poem, and I hope you make more soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D





This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer