"I should have joined
the search, the human net that dragged
the beach. I draw a bath and know he knows
I will not save him." - You switched from past to present, it sounds strange.
Very good, deep and slightly odd. I liked it.
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141,408 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
I liked the tone of this work; I think tone is one of the most important thing to consider when writing because it is critical to understanding something. I especially liked the image of a "human net".
The phrase, "I draw a bath and know he knows" reminded me of Poe's Annabel Lee: "But we loved with a love that was more than love"; I love the way that sounds in both contexts.
The only part I didn't understand was the "rent of reason" but other than that I liked it overall.
I rather liked this. I caught the mood and the meaning even though I caught the mood more so.
*He is the rent
of reason, a soggy sacrament,
his shadow tacked beneath my dark casting.
He has no face.*
Very nice. This is my favorite line as well as the one Ofour picked out. Brilliant lines as well. When I first looked at it I was like *hhr* Brad has written in paragraph form! *gasp*, but then again, when have you ever faltered your imprefection in poetry? The form really worked for me. With the punctuation variety, it read fluid and juicy like a poem. (Juicy being a word that just popped into my mind)
Great job!
-Rieda
I can't stand analyzing poetry myself, I just like the stuff that sounds right.
This sounds right. It's creepy, sure, but in a very satisfying way. I like the raisin eyes and thumb smudged nose a whole lot.
This poem is nice and pure in that every word counts and fits and flows, and evokes a lot without apparant effort. Which is pretty much all that should matter. Good job.
As Claudette said, the images were great. I could really catch the mood and tone here.
Regarding the "know he knows" - is the first "know" really needed? That sentence was probably my favorite and the repetition didn't really bother me in terms of understanding it. I didn't trip over it, but now that I think about it, it does sound kind of strange. I think it would sound okay like this, too: "I draw a bath. He knows I will not save him."
That second line seemed to long. Perhaps it should just be broken after "night".
The search for what? His body? Or was he missing and they were looking for him on the beach, and the speaker feels guilty for not joining in the search?
That's creepy. What is the significance of "raisin eyes" and a "thumb smudged nose" other than being really spooky imagery? I felt like those didn't belong.
*gasps for air* YES! That was one of the sweetest endings I've read in a while.
As usual, great stuff.
Colleen
I couldn't catch the whole meaning of the poem, which tends to happen when I'm reading something by you...but I could catch, or at least I hope I did, the mood/feeling. Maybe if I read over it a few more times, I would understand it better. It was good though. It gave me mental images, emotional images, and some lines in particular were strong, like "I draw a bath and know he knows
I will not save him." even though I have to agree the 'know he knows' sounds strange. It's weird to read, not the tense change as ofour said, just the two words so close together makes you have to reexamine it a little.
As always, you impress me. Though I've liked your other poems more so than this one.