Set the pattern
...........Flowing, growing,
See the shape it’s
...........Moving, rolling,
Soon it will be
...........Slowing, showing
Signs of change and
No more going.
Feel the pattern
...........Coming, sounding,
Again you hear it
...........Flowing, growing,
The end is different
...........Agonising
Climax lost, no
Cadence falling.
Whisper pattern
...........Dripping, slipping,
Same as always
...........Flowing, growing,
Now it will be
...........Climbing, reaching
Chord.
Leave the silence as you found it:
...........Echoing in what they felt,
Resounding with
...........what you were thinking
As you were playing
...........Strongly,
...........Softly
********
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
The repitition of "Flowing, Growing" should be changed.
Otherwise you're good.
Ofour--
I can appreciate what you're trying to accomplish with this, but you aren't accomplishing it. My suggestion for future considerations is to focus more heavily your attention on sonics and the roll of your poem.
Also--poems not about themselves lend some amount of interest to the reader.
Take care,
Brad
I was pleasantly surprised in reading this. At first glance I imagined I wouldn't like it, but I rather did. The rhythm is solid and the rhyming is simple, but not over-simple.
A nice start to both the idea and format. It's nicely polished, and I can see nothing to point out.
Your rhymes get sticky here. 'hear it' and 'different' is a stretch at best, and just plain awkward at worst. Also, 'sounding' and 'agonising' don't strictly rhyme; but here it sort of works. And even amidst the heavy structure, you manage to keep the actual content on-topic and of purpose.
Again, 'reaching' and 'slipping' don't sit well with me, so I'd do something about that. 'Chord' seems sudden and unfittingly abrupt; but I'd say leave it all the same. It's almost a needed abruptness, a twisting contrast that puts the lyrical quality better in perspective.
This is, sadly, my least favorite stanza. Not a good quality for the conclusion. Your rhythm is off here, and isn't as seamless as the rest. On top of that, the actual ending doesn't seem conclusive, like there should be something else after that. As far as editing this goes, focus your attentions on this stanza, because it's where said attentions are needed.
Overall; solid. Fix your hazy rhymes, but be sure not to force them. Take a look at your last stanza, and remedy the ending. It should bring about some polish to this already decent piece.
Monetarily yours,
~The CCF
I love this! I really want to hear the piece it's modeled after, but until then, I'll just evaluate it based on the poem itself.
I love the repetition of "flowing, growing." It accurately represents how one plays a piece -- one shapes it, watches it grow.
There's a great pattern and flow here, but I'm sure the piece helped a lot with that.
Personally, I like the "chord" part. I also really like how there's an extra space between the last two stanzas. I'm not sure whether or not it was intentional, but the silence acts as its own line, which is really effective. It continues in the next stanza with the discussion of the silence -- very cool. It's like we're transported into the audience and we experience the sudden silence left after a performance.
I think that's why I'm okay with the shift in rhyme in the last stanza. It's different, just as the atmosphere after a performance is different. It's a change in rhyme because the piece is no longer being played and the flow has come to an end.
At first I didn't like the last two lines... It felt like it wasn't concluding anything. After reading it again, though, I think I like it. The last stanza is beautiful to me, because I tend to enjoy the silence after playing a piece more than I actually enjoy the piece.
So. Overall, very, very cool. I love it. Excellent job.
I liked this poem a lot! good job on description!
ML,
oregongirl
"If you only put the dots in because it wouldn't let you put an actual indentation, then that is much better" - annoyingly the white font colour does not appear on the home page. They're not meant to be seen; I used them as indentation.
Hmmm...I imagine the dots are only there to represent indents.
Ah, I should've picked up from the title that it's after a piece. It's very cool that you could write a poem to match its rhythm. I also like cello. I wish I'd signed up to play it (instead of violin) back in 5th grade. It has a lovely sound.
The "Resounding" bit makes much more sense when it's split up. Sweet.
Colleen
To be completely honest with you the dots got on my nerves. If you only put the dots in because it wouldn't let you put an actual indentation, then that is much better. Otherwise the dots are not easy on the eyes and are really rather distracting.
This was inspired by Bach's Prelude to Suite 1 for 'cello. It doesn't exactly follow every note but the rhythms are very much linked to the piece. It is quite simple but I thought that would be a good place to start.
I should have split the first line of this:
Resounding with what you were thinking
As you were playing
Strongly,
Softly
But for some reason I didn't.
As for the chord lines, they puzzled me greatly. I knew that it would be extremely abrupt but it conformed with the piece so I thought I'd give it a go. I can see that it doesn't work as well in a poem, but I'll keep it anyway.
Ah, a taker for the musical poetry challenge? Was this in response to or inspired by a specific musical piece, or intended to sound musical alone?
I applaud your use of rhythm here. The poem is simple, but it certainly covers one of the most important parts of poetry; its sound and rhythm. It was more description than anything else, but enjoyable.
This end bit threw me off, though The first line doesn't follow the rhythm patterns of the previous parts at all, and it's just a plain old awkward phrase anyway.
Ah, yes, this part, too. Just one syllable? Chord? It's such an abrupt stop; was it meant to mimic an abrupt stop in a piece of music? For the poem alone, it didn't really work.
Great job with this! I'd love to see a revision, or to see you apply this ability with rhythm to a piece with a little more substance.
-Colleen
I like the description in this piece and your choice of adjectives is really good. The indention is also really effective and I can't see much wrong with this so keep up the good work!