Published May 1, 2007
A hand-shake, “Hi, I’m Charlie”
And it begins. Now as friends we
Can share all rumour, tales and
Fun, without the shame of
Embarrassment closing in because
We know each other well and
If you tell my secrets yours will be
Public too. This time lasts for
Eternity in mind but reality brings it
Down to just a week or two. Then
You say something with which I
Disagree, we debate first then
Argue, leading to sulking over
Treachery and spite. Rub your
Superiority in my face but I will
End it soon, I cannot bear the
Endless arrogance and I hope you’re
Mindful that you do not have
Many friends to spare.
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
I like the rewrite better than the original. I think that it flows better and that the spacing and line breaks are better. The middle is a little long for my taste, but the last line, "You do not have many friends to spare" was good as a stand-alone line, and as a way to end.
-Amelia
Rewritten:
(Not) My Friend
A hand-shake,
“Hi, I’m Charlie”
And it begins.
Now, as friends,
We can share all
Rumour, tales and
Fun, and the shame
Of embarrassment will
Not close in as
We know each other
Well and if you
Tell my secrets
Yours will be
Public too.
This time lasts
For eternity in mind
(Although I now find
Myself separate from
That endlessness,
Alone.)
Then you say
Something with which
I disagree.
We debate first then
Argue, leading to
Treachery and
Spite.
Rub your superiority
In my face but
I will end it
Soon, for I cannot
Bear your arrogance
And I hope
You’re mindful that
You do not have
Many friends to
Spare.
This was a god one. The horrors of having certain freinds. I like the title and the way you described how a freindhsip gets ruined.
Wow i love this poem. It says exactly what happens between friends. When fallouts are wrote down like that it just goes to show how pathetic most fallouts are.
Keep up the great work! xx
"I didnt like how you often ended with a preposition or a contraction. "and" or "the" isnt really meaningful." - that was deliberate, I am trying out this new style and quite like it.
I liked this. It seemed sort of monotonous, and it read like a letter or something. Maybe you want to try some more rhythm or imagery?
I also think you could reconsider some of your line breaks - I didnt like how you often ended with a preposition or a contraction. "and" or "the" isnt really meaningful. I think rhythm and a more "poetic" feel would come more naturally if you rethought your linebreaks.
Apart from that I liked it. It's witty and nicely observational. Well done.
Wow, i liked it. Its so true about friendship. I especially loved the secrets out in pulbic bit, thats the problem, with falling out with people!
Anyway, well done this is well written, flowed well and had a great topic!
Meevs
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