Published February 5, 2008
Freeze time.
Black sphere, elongated. Double yellow,
The colour’s blurred.
Sweat film on forehead,
My forehead,
Glassy. My eyes, straining;
It must be two feet,
Two feet at most.
Racket low, strings taught,
Leg bent, shoulder to knee.
That’s what they taught you,
“Shoulder to knee.”
Go for the drop, you’re moving in fast,
He won’t expect a drop,
To the right, he’s at left.
Hug the wall.
Tired.
Yes, but so‘s he; push him.
You’re up one set; he’s feeling it more,
You know that feeling, use it.
Get back to the middle, just in case;
It was his serve, you said nine,
Why did you say nine?
You win this point, you’ll win the next.
You’ll win.
Freeze time.
If only;
Set, match.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
It's squash, actually, but they're very similar.
Tennis, yes?
This has a nice, hurried feeling to it that works well as a whole. Just make sure you watch the rhythm; some of the lines had a lot of sounds in them ("leg bent, shoulder to knee" --> the "der to knee" is hard progression of sounds to say as quickly as what's around it, for example).
As a dramatic description of a tennis match, everything comes together nicely. Past that though, I don't see much there. It's just the moment and nothing before or after to look to. If that's the intent, well done; if not, I don't know.
Ye, that was VERY confusing, but I don't dislike it. I'm not really a poem guy, but I liked this. Not much to say really!
Keep Writing!
~D'Aedomir~
Okay. That was a little weird, but good.
You had a few spelling mistakes like gothgirl said but other than that it was interesting to read (although it was confusing)
Maybe you should edit it and repost then i could look at it again, then I could do another review, undestand?
well, see ya!
"colour's" is the English spelling.
Black sphere, elongated. Double yellow,
The colour’s blurred.
Its color's not colour's
Sweat film on forehead,
My forehead,
Why did you put "my forehead" again? It sounds awkward.
The rest of it is pretty good. Fix these errors and your good
Gothgirl01