Sordid puncturing describes it best,
A matter of confliction.
Not once in many years gone hence has
Failed our loyal conjunction,
As monotonic interjections,
Layered with vilest remorse,
Cut right through the air and split the mood,
Language provokingly coarse.
Flat palms clapping, jaws masticating,
Cruelty spilling from defeat.
We should have shared our hard earned booty
But he ate the whole damn sweet.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Little confusing, and some of the stanza's did not make sense. But overall it was enjoyable.
The excessive and slightly sickening use of a large vocabulary serves to make it funny, but that seems to be as far as it goes. I did like the last two lines though. They're humorous, colorful, bitter in a light-hearted way.
As I said, entertaining, but that's about as far as it goes.
Clau mentioned that you were able to maintain the same number of syllables. That is good, but the number of syllables alone does not constitute rhythm. Keep in mind that which syllables are stressed also influences the rhythm. The first stanza comes to mind; that one seemed the most off in terms of rhythm.
Funny stuff!
Colleen
Um. Nothing bad here. But I don't get it.
Well, I have to disagree with everyone else - I got it, and I laughed out loud when I realized what the poem was about. I love how you make the argument sound so fierce and terrible, and in the end, it's a battle for... a sweet.
You pulled off rhyming quite well, too. I love it!
Very charming.
Arguing over a sweet? like.... a piece of candy?
The language you use is just bizarre. It's hard to pick up what its about. Because the language is so, and the best word I can come up with, advanced it doesn't really give a 'young people' impression.
If you were going for that, perhaps give it more of a childish feel, rather than the adult one that I currently get from it? Just a suggestion
It probably isn't clear but this is two younfg people arguing over a sweet. Sorry to ruin the ending, lol.
I read over it only once, and perhaps I'm not putting enough thought into it, but to quote Brad, "What is the point?"
What were you trying to write about? What feelings were you trying to give the reader? Other than....confusion of course. Sure, it sounds poetic (on some lines) but if there is nothing for me to take away from the poem, then it isn't worth much IMHO. If I knew the topic I might be able to critique it better; but a poem should be understandable without an explanation so....Yeah.
Really though, it is this meant to be about? I will give you credit, though, for holding a rhythm. Though it is hard to pick up through reading it, I counted it out a few times and it looks to be a 9,7,9,7 pattern, which isn't too bad.
One thing I didn't particularly like was the continuation of a sentence from one verse to the next (the end of verse one, the beginning of verse two) only because to me a verse signals a new beginning, and though you CAN do this, it often time looks awkward. (But this might just be me.)
A bit confusing...I read it through several times and still didn't quite get it.Maybe that's just me being dense?