Young Writers Society

OfferingUpMyOwnConfusion wrote:friendships;
whispers of feelings, obvious,
yet left unsaid.
Only slurred between closed jaws.
The remnants of a night infuse
your subconscious
with questions.
Minutes preserved like time capsules
in your brain.
Try to remember.
Please just remember.

Interesting beginning. It did draw me in until the subconscious part; even though phrases like "yet left unsaid" work because their very essence and idea relies on loneliness and detachment, that same cannot be said for phrases like "your subconsciousness with questions". I see no reason to break apart what could have been a perfectly acceptable line into two choppy ones that only serve to distract the reader's attention.

The same applies to "minutes preserved like time capsules in your brain". I suggest leaving that entire line alone without splitting it into two.

Perception blurred with the passing of time,
the change of heart.
Shock wave of energy,
mushroom
inside your head.
You want to let go.
Need to let go.

Last two lines sound arrogant and not at all in keeping with the first stanza. Begging somebody to remember implies that you don't have much control over her choices and are therefore pleading with her to make the right one. And now you tell us that you know how her emotions operate and know what she wants and needs? That doesn't work. Try turning this part into another plea so it will be parallel to the first stanza. Saying

"Let go,
You need to let go"

emphasizes the fact that you're trying to help but ultimately are not intruding too far. Of course, don't use that example verbatim, but work with it to find something you're satisfied by.

Pulsing,
Rushing,
Raging.

The first two actions are good, the third one not so much. Raging is not an easily visualized concept - throwing chairs, fists pounding against one's own face, perhaps, but just "raging"? It seems an empty way to end that stanza.

The relentless crusade;
annhilates, detonates.
You stutter for the right words.
"When will I breathe in the silence?"

What does the crusade detonate? Your word choice is confusing. The rest of the stanza is good - charged imagery, emotive ending, it all works out well.

Hope that helped.

Wow. Amazing work!! I really enjoyed reading this. I honestly couldn't find anything really wrong with it.

I loved the emotional intensity and it is extremely powerful when read out loud. I know because I read it to my friend. (She loves it, too)

The only thing was maybe if you were to put a period after 'please' in this phrase 'Please just remember.'

So I'll just rant so this will be counted as a review.

Perception blurred with the passing of time,
the change of heart.
Shock wave of energy

I loved that one. <3