Published July 7, 2009
“The moment I said it, the moment I opened my mouth, let in your eyelids and bulldozed the life out of me.”
Numb.
Pry open my thoughts, spill them into your hands.
I’m leaving tonight in your mind.
Space creating, machine gun silence.
Bracing myself for the awakening.
Sunny and unruffled, topaz mood ring shining, and
I’m
going
nowhere.
Take me over; I promise I won’t feel a thing.
“Where’d you say you’re going?”
“Just going through the motions.”
Stained spaces, twisted laces. Faces…
replaced.
Frozen toes, knees buckled,
“No I don’t feel a thing.”
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life.
Just send me searching, this world won’t catch my cold.
You ionize and atomize.
Me?
I exist and survive.
Feed off the Novocain strain.
Insinuating, inspiring, insomnia.
Heel-to-toe strategies:
Blend.
The moment I said it,
.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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141,439 Literary Works • 674,416 Reviews
I loved the chaos in this.
It was just raw thoughts, flashing in and out of the background in random places until some nightmarishly psychedelic images appeared and suddenly there's something complex and detailed and
Beautiful.
Normally I don't like tabbing lines across in poems, but with this it worked,
Normally I don't like bolding individual words, but with this it worked.
Everything just worked.
You just shattered the mould baby
Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
Hi there, Confusion!
Anyway, I liked what it created here.
You certainly have an interesting piece here, and I must admit I quite liked it! I'm not too familiar with this kind of line breaks, but what you've done here seems to fit the poem well and brings some variety to it. I'm guessing they have something to do with how the poem is supposed to read, where to pause and so on? Or is it just for looks?
What's the function of the "and"? It seems out of place.
For me, the "machine gun silence" isn't in harmony with the rest of the poem. It stands out too much and is a bit in-your-face. I do admit it's interesting for an image, but I personally would replace it with something smoother. Rephrasing might work, too. Think about it, at least. =)
I like the mood ring aspect, but I don't feel "shining" is the best word. When I imagine the mood ring inside my head, with rays of the sun touching it, I don't see it shining, but instead kind of glittering in the same way snow does when the sun hits it.
Going - going hurts my ears a bit. I very rarely like repetition, and this isn't one of those moments. I'd delete the second "going" and maybe replace it with something else if needed.
Comma after "No", and since you already had the "won't feel a thing", it makes me wonder whether you just didn't come up with any other way to say it, or whether there is a deeper meaning behind it all.
I like this line very much.
I haven't come too much across with bolding in poems, so everytime I do, I kind of back out a little. Maybe it's because I don't understand it, but I don't like it very much and can't see the point of it, either. I'm guessing you do, though. At least I hope so.
I love this ending, because it's just what I like about poetry: intriguing. Everything about it is intriguing, and the interesting line breaks make it even more so. It's not completely random, though, but it means something, which is also important. I'm dying to know what you were thinking when writing this, but I also like the fact that I'll never know properly.
I enjoyed this, great job.
Demeter
xxx