Published January 23, 2009
One year goes by and not once do I stop and face humanity.
Peering through the glass of what I know will lead to fear and intoxication; words form helplessly upon my lips as I slip into the unknown.
Screams of frustration and rage permeate my brain as another night falls lifelessly through my grasp.
Dangerously crowded rooms and trippy eccentrics.
I stumble upon my thoughts that cry out in horror, sending me into a world of intense ferocity and the hallucinations of a drug addict.
The walls seem to close in as fingers play forcibly upon my hips, as if the close proximity wasn't enough to apprehend me.
Sensuality.
Body language.
Tricks all too easily fooled.
Hysterics, flying fast over the room, creating a haze of fast-melting rationality.
Music drains out my ears like the smoke from a troubled soul.
Sideways glances and blatant individuals.
Failing inhibitions and parading passions.
The stench of damaged innocence brushes past my new found existence.
I've finally found myself, burning for a chance.
I know now,
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM INSIDE.
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Barely any spelling mistakes, some other words could sound better. Structure seems a little balanced, more longer sentences on top and small at the bottom, probably be best to mix it around. You could make some of the sentences longer around the end, or shorten the ones at the beginning. Ending is okay, could have been a little better. Other than that it was pretty well written, very mysterious. Thanks for sharing!
Hello! ^_^ I meant to respond to this the first time you posted it, but I got sidetracked. Anyways, I really love the tone of this poem -- I can definitely see the feeling you're trying to describe. Like a fallen angel or something, losing innocence; it's definitely really poignant! I just have a few comments where I feel the flow kind of got lost as I was reading it. Keep in mind, it's probably read differently by different people, so these are only my opinions! ^_^
This sentence, after such a beautifully clear beginning, was kind of muddy for me. Firstly, I don't really get the image of thoughts crying out in horror, and I think it might be more effective if the person cried out in horror at her thoughts, just as an image. Secondly, I don't think that 'ferocity' really needs 'intense' to describe it. It is an intense word on it's own and could handle itself without an adjective! ^_^
This line also tripped me up, because I don't quite understand how tricks, themselves, can be fooled. >_< Did you mean like 'pulled off'? I dunno. Just consider clearing that up, or don't! =D
I like the choice here -- it's really powerful, like the narrator is just throwing off everything that might be considered well-mannered, yelling, and getting out all of that raw emotion. -nodnod- Really great choice!
Thank you for sharing this great poem, love! Keep at it!
-Hannah-