Young Writers Society

I really like this, I'm not even lieing this time! Welll, everyone else already toke care of all the grammer mistakes so I get to do the fun things!!!!!

I absolutly LOVE the part about the ghost!!!!! That made me laugh out loud!!!


This right here was my favorite part though....

The same smile that made more than half the hearts at school stop because, despite being blind, Cain Aubrey was still a looker.

Grammar:

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.
Where do I begin?

Ah yes, it was Friday the thirteenth that day. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was having a very, very bad day – but that’s not saying much if you take my luck into consideration. Let me start my story at math class, so that I won’t bore you. After all, it’s the blind guy we’re after.

“Ms. Belle…Why do you never do your homework?”

Of all the teachers, why did I have to get Mr. Browning? I swear he had a grudge against me, or something.

“It’s just today!”

“You couldn’t give five minutes to do the assignment? Not even try to make it? Or maybe you should have just written down the wrong answer – I could have given you some credit for that.”

I folded my arms and scowled at him. The rest of the class didn’t mind his long speech on my laziness. They’d gotten used to it over the course of the year.

“Look at Mr. Aubrey. He is Personal opinion: As a math teacher, maybe he ought to speak with contractions… language is definitely not a forte. blind – you’re perfectly able-bodied. Then tell me, how come he’s the one with the great grades, Nikola?” He pointed at Cain Aubrey, sitting on his chair.

To tell the truth, I never really understood how Cain caught up with the rest of us. He was unable to see, as Mr. Browning said, but he didn’t use Braille. He just listened to the teacher attentively and bang! He gets an A+ on the test, bias or no bias. Maybe it was because the teachers took pity on him: they always took care not to give him any impossible assignments and made special exceptions for him.

Aubrey knew I was behind him – he had to have. He seemed to glance at me and offer an apologetic smile. The same smile that made more than half the hearts at school stop because, despite being blind, Cain Aubrey was still a looker. What exactly do you mean by that?

If he could see my glare, I swear he’d die of shame.

“Well, I’ll try once again to pound into that big head of yours, Ms. Belle, the fact that homework DOES Use italics, not all caps, makes it look more professional, and you achieve the same effect. matter in your final grade. Don’t expect a B from me.” He moved towards the blackboard, finishing his tirade against me.

When the bell rang, Cain stood up and moved his black walking stick around. It looked more like a stylish cane, if you asked me. Seems rather… incomplete… add a “though” at the end, or something. It was impossible not to stare at Cain – he had auburn colored hair, fair skin and angular features. There was something so charming about what he wore, no matter what it was. Today it was a white, button-up shirt and black slacks, with the usual dark shades. He never really dressed down.

I would have shoved my way past him, but it would be beyond cruel to watch him fall. With a sigh, I moved towards the door, taking care not to get in his way. I still had to go to the library and research on an essay about Greenhouse Gases. Before you ask, yes, I forgot to do my homework in chemistry, too.

Before I went to the library, I stopped by at my car to dump everything – well, most – of my things there. I was tempted to go home and do my research at my own computer, but I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be getting any work done at home thanks to the fact that I shared the computer with my older brother. He loved playing games and would rarely, if ever, get off the computer.

So I went off to the library.

Calvin High library was amazing, complete with wireless internet connection – for students who brought a laptop/palmtop/whatever along – the latest computers, AND Italics it was always impeccably clean. There was never a speck of dirt anywhere.

Nobody but the librarian stayed after school hours, though.

So I walked in and sat at a computer. After an hour or so, the librarian gave me the keys and asked me to lock up afterwards. She had learned to trust me.

After about half an hour more, I was done. I clicked print and shut down the computer.

Click.

Hold on, what was that noise? I listened hard again.

Taptaptaptapclacktaptapclick.

That sounded like somebody was typing something. I stared at all the computers in front of me in horror. Was I trapped in here…with ghosts? I had never met them in the million times I had been told to lock up the library after hours before. Looolll, okay, that one made me laugh.

My logic told me to go around and look for another breathing human being who might be still in here. It might be a good idea to be quiet, too, so that I wouldn’t disturb any crazy spirit, if there really was one. After a bit of walking around as silently as I could, I found something so surprising, that I could have fainted.

Cain Aubrey.

That in itself was strange; as far as I knew, Cain didn’t even KNOW Braille.

But no, it was stranger.

Cain Aubrey, with a Mac Yay. in front of him. He was typing something.

“Cain?” My voice felt dry. I had to be hallucinating. But why Cain?

He froze when he heard my voice. He turned to me and, for the first time, I noticed he was not How many teenagers do you know that say “was not”, “do not”, etc? Keep to the personality wearing his shades. His eyes were a really pretty bluish-violet color. While I definitely think description is a must, this sentences just feels thrown in there, like you did it just for the heck of it.

Blind people do NOT use the computer.

“Is that....What are you…”

He just stared at me like I Might be a good idea to… italicize? …Whatever… the I. was the freak. Yeah right. Look at the blind guy using the laptop.

“You’re not really blind, are you?”

“…No.”

“Then why do you pretend you’re blind?” Men. Who understands them?

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. His feet rested on top of the table; he put them down now. He put on his shades again. Weirdo.

“Cain, why do you pretend you’re blind?”

“It’s best if you didn’t know.” With that, he walked towards me and gave me a smirk that I’d never seen before. His smile had always been sweet and well-tempered, never arrogant like it was now. “You won’t tell on me, will you?” He whispered, giving me a kiss on my cheek.

[/spoiler]

First off, sorry if I repeat anything that's already been stated prior to my being here.
You're basically error-free, except for a little lack of commas, and this tense disagreement you've got going on. Pick one - either past or present (for this story, past works best... my opinion, anyway) - and then stick with it.

That said...

I really like thiss... the whole idea behind it is really interesting, and I'm really curious about why he'd want to pretend he's blind.
Him not knowing braille, though... mmmm, doesn't seem logical. Unless he just became blind 2 weeks ago, he probably should know it... no other way of getting around, really... I bet he would've made someone wonder by now, and he obviously doesn't want anybody being suspicious about his "condition"... Not like money would be the problem, either...

Your writing style, it really shines through in this story, as does personality, which is really good. So no, it wasn't humor-packed yet, but the little it did have was good, and it keeps the reader going.

The one thing that did bother me was the introductory paragraph... It wasn't bad, per say, but it wasn't incredibly grabbing, either. Had I not been piqued by wanting to find out about Mr. blind boy, I probably wouldn't have kept reading.

Otherwise, really good so far, and do PM me when the next is out

»Sam.

Hello there!
Here is your promised review! Sorry it has teaken me so long, I have been busy.
Sorry if I repeat anything the other reviwers have said. I don't really notice when I do it. If you see double, that just means you really should fix that one up.

I. Nit-Picking

Where do I begin?

Ah yes, it was Friday the thirteenth that day. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was having a very, very bad day – but that’s not saying much if you take my luck into consideration. Let me start my story at math class, so that I wouldn’t bore you. After all, it’s the blind guy we’re after.

wouldn't

Let me start my story at math class, so that I wouldn’t bore you. After all, it’s the blind guy we’re after.

You couldn’t give five minutes to do the assignment?

The rest of the class didn’t mind his long speech on my laziness.

I folded my arms

“Look at Mr. Aubrey. He is blind – you’re perfectly able-bodied. Then tell me how come he’s the one with the great grades, Nikola?” He pointed at Cain Aubrey, sitting on his chair.

Then tell me how come he’s the one with the great grades, Nikola?

but he didn’t use Braille

Maybe it was because the teachers took pity on him: they always took care not to give him any impossible assignments and made special exceptions for him.

DOES

he had auburn colored hair, fair skin and angular features.

Before you ask, yes, I forgot to do my homework in chemistry too.

I stopped by at my car to dump everything

So I went off to the library.

Calvin High library

laptop/palmtop/whatever

AND

So I walked in and sat at a computer. After an hour or so, the librarian gave me the keys and asked me to lock up afterwards. She had learned to trust me.

After about half an hour more, I was done. I clicked print and shut down the computer.

Was I trapped in here…with ghosts?

I had never met them in the million times I had been told to lock up the library after hours before.

KNOW

That in itself was strange; as far as I knew, Cain didn’t even KNOW Braille.

NOT

“Then why do you pretend you’re blind?” Men. Who understands them?

Kara,

Firstly, hello and welcome to YWS! To warn you, it’s a terrifyingly addictive site, so beware. The story itself, though -

It was the summary that drew me in. I was skimming more than reading, scrolling down the main page, and then there you had me. Drew me in immediately. As a blurb of sorts, it’s fantastic. I found myself asking that very question: “Why indeed?!”

And I knew I had to find out.

***

Again, I repeat that it was the summary that drew me in. Not the first paragraph. Because that was a bit disappointing. Friday 13 struck me as a cliché. I don’t think that even a comment acknowledging that would be good enough. Just – no. I also disliked the direct “you”. That’s personal taste, yes, but I don’t like it either way.

As an introductory paragraph – along with the “if I don’t bore you” part – it doesn’t work. I’d scrap that, and start with the dialogue sentence.

And oh my – not a B? How horrid. That’s all I’m saying there. Mowing on to Blind-Guy-In-The-Spotlight-NOW. Namely, pacing.

See, you have a nice story going on there. Novel. You have time and no word limit. I’m not suggesting boring anyone to tears, or adding useless descriptions or anything like that – but maybe introduce us to Cain more gradually? Have a basis to build around. Say, have him be there, in a class, mention the incident, but perhaps do not make it so very important. Have it be one of many, nothing unusual? Have him be there, have him go out, but nothing terribly attention grabbing.

Or, in other words, since in fact nothing that attention grabbing happened, get him out of the spotlight. Because right now there’s darkness, light around the MC and Cain, and grays tackling the teacher.

So, do that, perhaps – I dunno, add a scene of her interacting with others? A subplot, maybe. Because right now everything is happening so horribly fast, and it seems forced, orchestrated. Slow down. Define your MC along the way. We’ll (readers) survive without being plunged neck-deep into the Cain scandal.

While I’m at it – defining characters. The B comment. Show us what she is like, how she feels. No info dumping, but just slip it in there between the lines, in a theoretically extended chapter? Introduce Cain from afar, how she views him before seeing him with the laptop? How others do. Before being in the “I know” society. Show us normal to emphasize abnormal.

And he’s just sitting there in the library? (Pardon if there’s going to be a reason for this, do!) Just sitting there? Where anyone can find him? Yes, yes, no ever comes to the library after hours (except librarian), but! Someone could! He’s pretending to be blind, so he shouldn’t be taking such risks, should he? Shouldn’t even be dreaming of doing so? Should be – paranoid, a bit? Because anyone could stumble upon him.

Ghost idea – nice. I liked that. Good for pacing - she doesn’t just see him.

I also appreciated the humor in this story – “Before you ask, yes, I forgot to do my homework from chemistry too”, where the direct “you” did not irritate me one bit. “He just stared at me like I was the freak. Yeah right. Look at the blind guy using the laptop.” – Ha.

To the revelation, though, I think we should see more of a reaction. I mean, she thought he was blind! Everyone though he was blind! He was supposed to be blind!

He’s not blind?

I’d hyperventilate in the very least. And him kissing her? The outrage!

In general, nicely written beginning. Nice flow, nice vocab, nice idea. I would, however, like to see it lengthened out.


Esme

Hey Kara =]

Welcome to YWS! I'm Dudette and I'm going to attempt to review this for ya'

Ah yes, it was Friday the thirteenth that day. - It might just be me, but I think the wording is a bit awkward here. Maybe try something like; 'Ah yes. The day was Friday the thirteenth.'

I was having a very, very bad day – but that’s not saying much if you take my luck into consideration. - I know that this is only the very start of the story, but maybe you could add in an example of her bad luck here.

Let me start my story at math class, so that I wouldn’t bore you. - I think 'wouldn't' should be 'don't' Also, bore us with what?

I swear he had a grudge against me or something. - I think 'had' should be 'has'

“It’s just today!” - I'd add in a tone of voice here - 'I exclaimed' or something.

Then tell me how come he’s the one with the great grades, Nikola?” - I'd nix 'then'

the fact that homework DOES - All caps for 'DOES' looks messy. I'd maybe use italics instead.

Before I went to the library, I stopped by at my car to dump everything – well, most – of my things there. - I'd re-phrase this sentence to something like; 'Before I headed for the library, I stopped by at my car to dump the majority of my things.' - Something like that anyway - I'm rubbish at examples.

would rarely, if ever, get off the computer. - I'd add 'of' after 'off'

AND it was - Replace the caps with italics.

So I walked in and sat at a computer. After an hour or - The transition between these two sentences is too sharp. I'd maybe add in how your MC couldn't concentrate on studying, because she was bored or how she was distracted by checking her e-mails or something.

She had learned to trust me. - Why? This sentence needs a little explaination.

never met them in - I'd change 'met' to something else. How about 'run into' or 'come across' ?

times I had been told to lock - I'd add 'that' after 'times'

didn’t even KNOW - Caps to italics.

My voice felt dry - Did her voice feel dry, or her throat?

But why Cain? - I don't really understand why this bit is necessary - I'd nix it.

He froze when he heard my voice. - How did she know that he froze? Did his shoulders go ridgid? Did he stop typing?

NOT use - I don't think the caps are necessary.

“…No.”

“Then why do you pretend you’re blind?” Men. Who understands them? - She doens't seem very shocked to find out the truth. I'd be a bit taken aback if I found out that someone I knew was only pretending to be blind. I'd add in her feelings towards this revelation.

His feet rested on top of the table; he put them down now. - 'He lowered his feet from where they were resting atop the table, to the floor.' - Just a suggestion.

“It’s best if you didn’t know.” - I think 'didn't' should be 'don't'

Setting; - You didn't really describe the classroom or the library at all. This meant that it was hard to imagine where the story was taking place. Even if the setting isn't any thing special, you could just put how the library looked like a standard school library, with the usual wooden bookshelves and threadbare carpet.

Characters; - We don't really know much about either the MC, Nikola, or Cain, which meant that they both seemed a little flat and unrealistic. You didn't really include tones of voice or expressions with the dialogue either. Characters are 90% emotion and without it, they seem less real. I'd suggest adding in how the dialogue was said so that we get to know the characters a bit more. Also, I agree with Blueshift, in that I think Cain would need to know Braille in order to make his blind act more believable.

Plot; - I think the plot is pretty original. I haven't read a story about someone pretending to be blind before, so good job on that. You've also succeeded in making me want to read on. I really want to know why a guy as popular as Cain needs to pretend to be blind. Is he going to make Nikola like him so that she doesn't tell his secret...

Overall; With a little work, I think you could have a great story on your hands

I hope you have found this review helpful!

PM me with any questions.

xDudettex

Hi Kara!

This is a thoroughly interesting plot. Why, indeed, would such a smart and handsome boy need to pretend he's blind when everything can be at his disposal all the same? I can't wait to find out what happens next.

I think that Cain should know Braille, though. If he's supposedly blind that young, it means the condition is congenital, so he has to know Braille if he really wished to pull the act off. That would make it more convincing for the teachers and the rest of students.

I don't have any comments on how this was written, because I think the language is just right for the narrator.

As for humor, well, I'm not confident enough to suppose myself a good judge at that xD. But I think I know what type of humor you're striving for. I know you can't be really funny just yet in the first chapter, but there's a really nice story here in YWS called "Blind" by Meep:) that's a good example of the romance-humor mix. You might want to check that out ^_^.

That sounded like somebody was typing something. I stared at all the computers in front of me in horror. Was I trapped in here…with ghosts?

“Ms. Belle…Why do you never do your homework?”

Aubrey knew I was behind him – he had to have.

The same smile that made more than half the hearts at school stop because...

Calvin High library was amazing, complete with wireless internet connection for students who brought a laptop/palmtop/whatever along