The leader stands there. Confident, yet afraid. Accepting, but questioning. She fully understands what needs to be accomplished, subconsciously knowing she's the only one suited for the terrifying task. Her undeniably large group is uncomfortably seated in front of her, speaking in hushed tones, large, salty tears occasionally overflowing from their tired, empty eyes. She sighs ever so softly, wondering how things ever got this bad. She briefly glances over to her dearest friend who is attempting to comfort one of the smaller children, failing miserably despite her numerous attempts. Danger was lurking towards her beloved group like a viscous predator, closing in on it's defenseless prey. There was a way to stop it, but it may cost her her life. Her eyes moved towards the young man standing next to her, another leader. She meet his impossibly blue eyes, an overwhelming sensation of love, and for a brief second, safety reaching deep into her soul. His eyes bore into hers, analyzing them. Looking for emotion, but finding none. He smiled, an uncomprehendingly beautiful smile, that made her heart skip several crucial beats before reluctantly returning to its regular pace. She attempted to smile back, her plan still latched onto her mind. She unwillingly detached her gaze from his, looking over their group once again. It broke her heart into thousands of unfixable pieces seeing them. So hurt. So pained, but so strong. She turned to her other side, seeing her friend, doing the same as she had seconds before. He slowly turned, meeting her eyes with a questioning expression. She lent forward, whispering her plan to him in a collected voice. He argued profusely at first, shaking his head violently, telling her there had to be another way. But sadly, there wasn't. It had to be this. Finally, he agreed after she calmly pointed out all of the facts to him. It was put her life in grave danger, or sentence their pitiful group to death, and there was no way she was taking the ladder. She called attention to herself, resulting with everyone's heads snapping up with such speed it might have been funny, if they were in a amusing position. She began speaking, infusing her voice with as much power and clarity as she could muster, begging her voice not to crack. Begging it not to convey how absolutely terrified she was. She finished her speech after several minutes. Everyone dropped into an uncomfortable silence. He, the man she loved with every piece of her being, was the first to speak.
"Hell no." He growled, gritting his teeth and staring deep into her eyes.
"It's the only way." She replied, pain seeping into her voice.
"I'll do it. Let me do it." He retorted, desperation overwhelming his words.
"You know you can't... I'm the only one here with the proper training." She whispered, her voice inching closer and closer to breaking.
"Please... Don't leave me. It's too dangerous. You could...." He trailed off, moving right in front of her, grabbing her wrists, a movement that would have sent the largest blush to her cheeks only days before, but now, now only miserable tears leaked out.
"It's me or everyone else, Max. I have to. I made a promise to protect them." She croaked, moving her hands to where his sharp jawline lay.
"Please... Please don't leave me.." He cried, tears blinding his vision. Everyone turned their heads away, feeling how private the moment was for the two.
"I have to.. I'm so sorry.." She whined, holding his face tighter, staring into his eyes like her life depended on it.
"Please.." He cried harder, tremors shaking his body.
"PLEASE." He repeated louder, his voice becoming the most saddening thing noise anyone had ever heard. So raw and emotional it caused everyone else's vision to be clouded by their own tears.
"I'm going to fight. I'm going to do my best, and I'm going to come back to you." She said so forcefully, it sounded like she even believed it herself. They heard a deafening metallic noise drawing near them. Time was limited. She continued.
"I should have told y-you so much sooner.." she began, holding his face closer to her own tear stained one.
"Max.. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I-I think I fell for you the very first time I saw you, when this whole crazy thing started. You became the light at the end of my tunnel, you became my strength, my reason for not giving up. Every fight I was in, I battled as best as I could... Knowing that if I didn't, I couldn't see you again, and I just couldn't bear that thought. When all my hope was leaving, when I felt like giving up, you appeared. You made me smile, hell, you even made me laugh. I love the way your smile makes my heart melt, I love the way I get lost in those perfect eyes of yours. I love the way you scrunch your eyebrows together when you get mad or frustrated, and I love how you protect us like your own flesh and blood. I love that you never give up. I love the way you talk in your sleep, and I love the way you always know just what to say. I could go on forever, Max, but I can't. I'm going to go fight this, and I'm going to fight for you. But.. If I-if I don't come back. Don't mourn me, don't you dare be sad. I want you to be happy, God knows that's what I want most-" Another grinding metal noise sounded, closer than before. "Stay strong for me. For all of us. Take care of them, and get them home. I'm so sorry it took me so long to tell you. But I love you so damn much." She said, crying uncontrollably. He shocked her by pulling her closer to him, and kissing her with so much love and compassion, it showed more than words ever could.
"I love you too, Lela. I love you, I love you, I love you." He choked, planting more kisses into her lips. "I'll love you until the day I die. You're going to come back to me, you hear me? You're going to come back to me and I'm going to make you the happiest girl in the world. We'll bring everyone home, and then we'll create ours together, because you're perfect. You're so much more than I deserve.." Another noise.
Lela continued crying uncontrollably, leaning against the love of her life for strength, until she pulled herself from him, tears lessening as she looked in the direction of the noise. She leant in and kissed him yet again, savoring the feel of his lips on hers. Another sound made her pull away, staring deep into his eyes yet again.
"I love you." She whispered, wiping several tears from his wet cheeks.
"I love you too." He muttered, pecking her lips softly.
"It's now or never.." Her other friend exclaimed, wiping years from his own cheeks.
She nodded, turning towards her group. Her family.
"I love you all." She choked, looking into each and every one of their eyes. She looked back into his eyes, another tear escaping her own. She leant up, kissing his lips so softly it made him weak in his knees. She turned towards the noise, and set off in a sprint. Out into the unknown. Out into such extreme, mortifying danger, the mere thought of it made many shiver. As she ran she heard his deep voice yelling, "STAY STRONG, LELA. YOU STAY STRONG AND YOU COME BACK TO ME."
That was the final thing she heard before engaging in the most notorious and dangerous battle of all time. His captivating voice echoed repeatedly in her ears the whole time, screaming, "STAY STRONG, LELA. YOU STAY STRONG AND YOU COME BACK TO ME."
And so she did.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Ocean,
The story you have here is quite good. I also like how you kept the-terrifying-thing-she-was-going-to-do secret.
I think you should break down the first para because it's a big bulk. There's too much emotions going on. You should put some action in it to level it.
Dialogues.
I found them quite common. Most of it didn't give me the desired vibe, because we've heard stuff like "Don't you dare leave me" or, "I love you because..." and these doesn't seem quite realistic.
*tears
There were some sentences that were oddly structured
I like the story however. The pace was good and I did not feel as if you were rushing it.
Keep writing
Puck
Hello there OceanofDreams
This is very bland and it's hard to believe. What the character is saying is very powerful, and I need to see that as the reader. Then again, that's just me. Someone else could view this very differently. Another thing is to proofread your work, there were some spelling errors, though minor, in the story.Welcome to YWS!!!!
I will start with what I didn't like about this piece. First of all, the chunky first paragraph is a huge issue for me. There's just so much going on and the information is congested in one place. Try splitting it into different paragraphs. You'll find that it also makes it easy for the reader to follow what's going on. Another thing, which I picked up in the first paragraph is that your sentences aren't very well structured. There are comas in places where there should be full stops. Sometimes I found it hard to understand what you meant because of that. Also, it's hard to grasp the kind of emotion you're going for.
Then there was the dialogue. I thought it was very awkward and it didn't really express the characters' emotions well. I have a feeling that using exclamation marks in some areas after your character's speech would have conveyed better feeling. For example.
The one thing I will commend you on is the plot. It is very interesting and imaginative. I really enjoyed the direction of the story. I would have loved, however, something more elaborate, that is, more to the story. I still feel like there is more to the story, and there is room for improvement.
You're welcome, once again to YWS.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Honestly, I really don't like this particular piece, mostly due to my many errors. I actually wrote it when I was bored in class! That might have something to do with it!:) I agree with all of your points, and I appreciate them very much, and I will undoubtedly take them into consideration and revise this piece. Again, thank you so much.