Published October 26, 2011
The sky -blue sky is so high,
and I would always wonder why is the sky -blue sky!
higher than those pine trees,
greater than you and me.
The sky -blue sky is so wide,
and I would always wonder why the sky is so sky -blue.
so high, where we can see
all the birds fly in that sky.
I still wonder why is the sky a sky -blue colour
did you predict? or did i?
i never knew it why? wait!
did the Earth really knew it? No chance!
As, i end the day
seeing the blue -sky turning into an orange sunset
saying good-bye and thank you's
and wishing to see it soon.
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Your use of the phrase "sky blue sky" is very cool
It reminds me of the song by Wilco with the same name. (sky blue sky)
I would suggest that you add more descriptions and imagery to this. This is a very good poem, but it doesn't paint a clear picture in my mind.
You talk about some time during the day, and it abruptly jumps to sunset. Maybe you could develop on the idea and make the transition more gradual?
It starts off with being orange in the morning, becomes bluer by day. The blue dims to white at noon and progressively becomes blue again, and finally orange with sunset.
Happy Writing!
This is a nice poem, lots of questions! I don't like how you repeat the two words- "blue sky" so much. There are better words out there. Try something else...
Example: Azure Canopy, Aqua Firmament, Blueberry Heavens, etc. There are so many other words you could use to make it sound better!
Description, description, description! More, more, more! I want to know more. Describe the pine trees more, swaying in the breeze, individual razor sharp needles! Describe the clouds more, big, ominous, dark, or thin, wispy, and carefree? Just give me more details! I can't get an accurate picture with just this.
It's a good poem, but it can be so much better!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Hey there! Here's your second Secret Santa review from your friendly neighborhood secret santa's secret elf! Haha.
I really like the possibilities in this poem. I love right away the repeated sounds of sky and blue. I especially love in the last stanza when you kind of unintentionally rhyme blue sky with goodbye. After hearing those sounds over and over again, this really stands out.
I don't, of course, like images that aren't very new or lines that just seem to be babbling to fill space. It's hard to find new sky images, since every human who writes poetry can look up and describe it. I also see no reason for the narrator to be asking who predicted the sky's color, because that's kind of a ridiculous train of conversation.
So, what I think could be done to make this poem amazing would be to have it focus more on the sounds that drew you to make it. You made lovely use of experimenting with the hyphen in this poem. Try experimenting even more with line breaks or positioning certain segements of lines in a location other than right after the world before it, like over at the right side of the screen.
The catalyst for this idea was the blue-sky and good-bye rhyme in the last stanza that I mentioned earlier. So far, the hyphens serve to make use take a pause and a breath before going on. Make them even more powerful! Help us read through this awesome sound-play and pay closer attention to the rhythm. Mix this with more vivid images, and you'll have a great piece to read aloud!
Anyways, good luck with this!
PM me, again, if you have any questions or comments about my review.
And always keep writing~
Sindhu!
Man, I told you in class about the "I's" remember? :O
And I also re-wrote it for you.
Anyway, good try.
Keep Writing. xD
--
Lakshmi.
Hi Sindhu.
Solly here to review.
Your poem made me happy. It's something so simple, but true. Something that takes me back to childhood. The way a kid sees the world, beautiful as it is, not taking it for granted. Love it! I wouldn't change any word, because it looks like your heart wrote it and that's simply wonderful<333
Nitpicks:
Remember that every sentence starts with uppercase.
Same here.
Typo! In the word "color". Correct the uppercases. And also, the third line, you could say it like: "I never knew why." That would work pretty well too.
Beautiful ending, by the way. <3
Keep Writing.
~Solly<3
Hey, dogs here. So i totally agree with Lornydoo that this poem needs more emotion or story line to be in this section. If you want to keep it the way it is you can just move it to dramatic poetry which i think this may fit better in. This is a great poem and i really enjoy it. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
This is a great poem.
There were only 2 flaws that I could find...
1. Where are the emotions?? Most poems have loads of emotion in them .... but if this is a non emotion poem then please disregard this remark.
2. It needs more detail!!!! .... Dont get me wrong this is an amazing poem ... but it's missing a little something!
I think that your use of grammer was brilliant..... I think that your use of rhetorical questions one after another was brilliant and made the reader stop and think for a second.
Thanks hope this helps!
Lorna
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