z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Chapter Two - Aspen Faye

by ObsidianLight


I march up the school parking lot, backpack slung over my shoulder. I try to look confident, like that new cool girl with a mysterious past that no one needs to know about. But of course, they'll all want to know anyway.

Other kids rush past me, eager to see one another after a long hard summer. And there I am. With no friends.

In the hallways, dodging around kids is like when I'm at home, all the doors remaining opened outward in the way. I end up walking in circles, looking at each room number. It takes ten minutes to find my homeroom, and right when I find the desk with a little sticky note on it with my name, a bell rings like some doorbell.

People begin to rush into the class, one minute later, the class bell rings.

I turn and look at the people on either side of me, one is a blonde girl, the other a guy with shaggy brown hair. I look down at my own blood-red hair. The teacher just sits at his desk, reading something. Blondie turns to me and snorts.

"New?"

"How could you tell? Are you one of those people who knows every single person in their school?"

She snorts again, "I don't know half the people in my grade, let alone the entire school. I mean, I can just tell because; One) I've never seen a hair color like that. Two) I saw you wondering around, looking for each room."

I nervously laugh, "Well, I don't know what to say about my hair color, but yeah, I'm new."

A male voice speaks up,"Made any friends yet?

I look at the guy on my other side."No," I admit.

He holds out a hand, "Braxton Johnson."

I feel a tap on the shoulder, "And I'm Elizabeth Bell."

I shake both their hands at the same time, smiling. This is the weirdest thing I've ever done.

We spend the rest of the period talking, the teacher waiting until five minutes before to bell to take attendance.

"Aspen Faye?"

"Here," I say, Elizabeth and Braxton each getting a confused look on their face.

"Your last name is 'Faye'?" Liz asks.

"Yeeeaaahh..."

"That's awesome!" Braxton looks excited, pulling out his phone and searching something. I wait quietly as he pulls something up and shows me. I squint, seeing a picture of my new home. "Do you know this place?"

"Yeah, I live there," I answer.

He looks all the more excited. He scrolls down and motions for me to read. I take his phone and start;

The Faye Manor was built by Ethan Faye. He and his wife, Emma Faye, moved in and had their first child, Lucas Faye. Shortly after he was born, Lucas died with the flu. Ethan became a drug addict and an alcoholic from the loss of his first child. He began abusing his innocent wife. Emma wanted Ethan to be normal again, resulting in her having her second child. Sophia.

I pause. I know this girl. Kinda. I continue reading;

Emma left one day, she ran off and commit suicide at a nearby hotel. Sophia was left alone with her father. At five years old, the little girl jumped out a second story window and died, Ethan was found in her room, bleeding to death from a wound to the face and eye.

I scroll to keep reading but I find a picture of Sophia's mangled body laying on the ground. I stifle a cry. This is really sad. I scroll more, finding more text.

Ethan survived, remarried, and never abused anyone ever again.

I tilt my head, slowly handing Braxton his phone back. "That's the end?"

He shrugs, "Well, do you have any grandfather Ethan's?"

I think on it, "No, I don't think so. If I did, he had to have died a while back because I don't have any living grandparents."

"Interesting...." Liz cuts in.

The bell rings and we hurry out of class. I try following Braxton, but he's taken into a crowd of boys. I try following Elizabeth, but she's overrun by a crowd of popular girls. I end up flowing with the crowd to my next class.

* * * * * *

At lunch, I sit at an empty table. Liz and Braxton join me, followed by a bunch of their own friends. Half the table is filled with hot guys, the other half a bunch of popular girls who think they're the hottest girls in the world. And then there's me.

Everyone chats away as I awkwardly eat my mac and cheese.

"Wait, she lives where?"

"The Faye Manor!" Liz sounds excited, and I perk up. Everyone's staring at me.

"You must be brave as hell," Some guy says.

I shrug, still chewing my last fork full.

"Can we come and check it out?" Liz asks, her friends scoot away from the table, their way of saying she's on her own with this one.

I cover my mouth with my hand, "Sure." She squeals and stands up from the table.

She points to her friends, "Cowards!" Then she starts doing some kind of happy dance.

Braxton stands too, "I wanna go!"

I nod and he takes it as a yes, then he starts dancing with Liz. I almost expect them to climb onto the table, I swallow and smile. I did this.

* * * * * *

Mom and Dad won't be home until eight. Liz and Braxton wanted to check out my house, they'll be here in an hour. I have an hour to run around my house cleaning up whatever needs to be tidied up.

The doors are all flung wide open (as usual), and when I'm home alone, half the time I don't bother to close them unless it's really bothering me. I make myself a quick sandwich and gobble it down. I hear a knock on the door and choke on the last bit, before looking at the time. I'm not expecting anyone for another forty-five minutes.

I brush my hands on my jeans and scurry to the door, when I open it, I find the porch empty.

I blink and lean out, "Hello? Elizabeth? Braxton?"

I don't get an answer. I pause, that knock was loud and clear. It couldn't have come from inside the house, I'm the only one here.

I walk outside, hands on my hips, and survey the area. Either someone is messing with me or it was an animal. I walk off the porch and around the house once. Halfway around I pause and look up, seeing my bedroom window.

I look down at the ground where I'm standing, a little girl died right here. A five-year-old ancestor of mine died. Right here.

I shudder, going back to the front porch. I realize that some animal is probably under the porch or hidden in some weeds. I look out over the lawn, we need to get some yard work done...

Two figures enter my view in the distance, walking up the drive. I squint, and as they get closer, I realize it's Liz and Braxton. I gasp, running inside and checking a clock. They're right on time. How had I been outside for so long without noticing?

I hear footsteps and turn around to see Braxton slowly entering the house. I realize I'd left the door wide open.

"Braxton!" I hear Liz's loud whisper/shout from outside. "Get back out here! Don't be rude!" She hisses.

I laugh, "Come on in."

Braxton spots me and waves, Liz comes in after him. "Sorry he's such a nosey butt," She elbows Braxton. He laughs it off.

I shrug, "To be fair, you were the one who suggested coming over here." She rolls her eyes and grins.

I show them around, the two gawking at little things. Liz runs into a door, making Braxton and me snort. I close it for her as Braxton helps her to her feet. Liz examines the area.

"Open that door for a sec."

Confused, I grab the handle and pull it out, but it refuses to open in that way. I try a couple more times but it won't budge.

"Stand aside," Braxton cuts in, taking the handle. I put my hands on my hips and watch as he has just as much trouble opening it. He seems to get an idea, and pushes it in, where it easily goes.

"What?" I push him out of the way and close the door, opening it and closing it a couple times. I look around, all the doors and open outward, but that isn't supposed to be possible.

Liz giggles, "You didn't know how to open doors in your own house?"

"Well, they're always open anyway! I just walk through. I've not really thought about until now."

"Maybe they aren't all like that. We could test them if you like."

I think on it, "Fine. You two go downstairs, I'll try all of these."

Every door on the second floor opens inward, refusing to budge outward. I hurry downstairs, Liz pacing in front of the door, Braxton walking into the entrance. I give them questioning looks.

Braxton shakes his head, "Every single door opens in the opposite direction as it already is."

Liz stopped pacing, "I had the same result." I hop down the rest of the stairs, thinking.

"What about cabinets?" Braxton asks. "Are they ever open?"

I shake my head, "Not unless we've opened them ourselves." I glance at the crawl space I'd found before. I've not gotten a chance to further explore it. I look at Liz, she's smaller than I am. I bet...

"What?" She asks.

I blink, "Sorry, I was thinking. Okay, I found this crawl space a while back I think belonged to Sophia. Think you could squeeze into it?"

"I bet I could!"

I point to the stairs, "Under there." She scurries back and studies the space.

"I will most definitely fit, but I need a flashlight." I've hidden flashlights all over the house in case the power goes out. At my old home, old flashlights were what we used as the main light source. I take the nearest, one and toss it at her. She misses but manages to grab it and crawl inside.

Braxton and I wait awkwardly as she seems to somehow fit all the way in. I squint, looking in trying to spot her. It can't be that deep.

"Guys! There's a door!" I hear her voice echo.

"What?"

"Come on! It leads to like, a basement!"

I sigh, looks like I'm crawling into a creepy... abandon... old... full of cobwebs...

I find myself clinging to Braxton's arm.

"Do you want me to go first?" He asks with a laugh.

"Yes," I say quickly.

He laughs again and lays on his stomach, crawling in. I wait a minute before following into the darkness.


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 1:06 am
MeisterChan wrote a review...



Hey, ObsidianLight! Scythe here for a quick review :D

I'm going to write about what I liked, followed by what I disliked and then I will mention any nitpicky issues I may have had.

What I liked

1. I liked the teen-fiction feel behind this; it was nice and easy to read.

2. The characters! They're so likeable; I loved Aspen's kind of "cool girl" attitude.


What I disliked:

1. The first paragraph; it didn't have the affect that a first paragraph would.

I march up the school parking lot, backpack slung over my shoulder. I try to look confident, like that new cool girl with a mysterious past that no one needs to know about. But of course, they'll all want to know anyway.


I felt like the context of the paragraph was better suited for the main body of the chapter; somewhere towards the middle or first few paragraphs of the chapter. It failed to set the scene for the chapter, if i'm being honest. This is what I suggest; re-writing the first chapter to better suite its purpose.

I hope this helped :) Good work!

Keep writing!
-ScytheMeister




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116 Reviews


Points: 5240
Reviews: 116

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Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:10 am
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



Happy review day. That being said, let's get started with the review.

Criticism:

'I hear a male voice speak up, "Made any friends yet?" I discussed a similar thing to this in my review of the previous chapter. Because this is from Aspen's point of view, the reader know she hears this, so there is no need to tell the reader that. It would simply suffice to say 'A male voice speaks up,"Made any friends yet?" Of course, this is again just my personal opinion, so make of it what you will.

'I look at the guy on my other side."No," I admit.' Is the correct way to say this.

'I pause. I know this girl.' Is the correct way to say this.

'I stifle a cry. This is really sad.' Is the correct way to say this.

'Half the table is filled with hot guys, the other half a bunch of popular girls who think *they're* the hottest girls in the world.' Is the correct way to say this.

'I *shudder*, going back to the front porch.' Is the correct way to say this.

Thats all the criticism I have to offer. Liz and Braxton seem interesting so far and I like the suspense that comes with Aspen's confusion about what is going on in her house. I can only imagine what will happen next and am looking forward to finding out. Keep writing ;)





Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman